Wednesday, September 22, 2010

In the right combination, keys on the keyboard can produce a shitload of crap.

A spirit bear came to me last night and said that I need not worry about the present because my destiny resided over the mountains. Half way through, he noticed my boner and awkwardly tried to pretend he didn't. Ever hear of knocking spirit bear? FUCK!

Maybe I'm just an old softy but I miss Saigon.

Isn't it weird that no one sits on anyone's face in Romance novels?

I always tell people I'm a dermatologist when I'm at the bar. That way if I'm rejected I can 'suddenly' do a double take and stare at one of their moles for a solid 3 seconds. Then I'll make eye contact and slowly smile vengefully before walking away.

I don't always fart in an elevator but I do always want to.

I will always stop someone telling an oversized penis joke and explain to them that it's no joke having one and then stomp off. I realize it makes me sound like I don't have a sense of humor, but it also makes me sound like I don't have a small penis.

Saw a glory hole today. I didn't realize Sperm Banks had ATM's too.

Hey Gloria Gaynor! No you won't.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

IMAX Movies that disappointed even in 3D

A lot of you don't know that I've produced countless IMAX movies over the years. You don't know, because I'm not one to brag. You probably also don't know because they all had just one showing before being pulled.

That's a shame, I think. I mean, I poured my heart and soul into them and it kills me that they are so ahead of their time that no one could appreciate their grandeur. All were in 3D and STILL no one sat through them! It's enough to make me consider stopping, and perhaps after my next 37 big productions I will. You have been warned!

Now, while I can't show them on a blog, I can certainly list them, so I hope the titles will give you a sense of the majesty of film that you unfortunately missed through the years. Here they are in no particular order:


Trickle:  The History Of Diareaha

Polyp:  The Unsung Body Part

Katwomando:  The History Of Feminism In Nepal

Martin Scorsese Presents:  Aye Aye Sir - The Walter Koenig Story

The Human Toe: An Incredible 3D Journey From Birth To Old Age

Gasp!:  The Amazing Story Of Wheezing

Exploring The Outer Planets Through Interpretive Dance

Pumpkin: The Gourde That Defied The Pope

Journey To The Center Of Lou Diamond Philips

Wheat:  The Life Cycle Of The World's Most Mysterious Grain

Mommy, What Is Flatulence?

Exploring Farm Fence Posts

Sphincter: Nature's Dam

Pebbles From Around The World

The Questionable Outfits Of The Modern Day Incas

The Exquisite Gardener: The Other Side Of Ted Bundy

The Phone Book: Narrated By Morgan Freeman

For those of you wondering. Yes, I could be talked into coming to your homes with my films and entertaining you and your guests for a long weekend. Just give me a call.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Coffee thoughts

I'm not one of those people who obsess over bladder control. In fact, I actively encourage my bladder to explore it's creative side without interfering in it's journey of discovery.

Whenever someone starts a sentence with 'I'm sorry, but...', they never are.

People are always making fun of the South by implying they're stupid.  I'm sorry, but anyone who invents putting a hot dog on a stick and deep frying it, is a genius in my books.  (See what I did there? I'm not really sorry.)

I realize that I can be a bitter Betty but I don't think it's me when I get tired of hearing about Brangelina.

Every time I hear the argument that a woman has the right to dress any way she wants without having to fear being raped, I know I"m supposed to agree and intellectually I do. But I can't help hearing, 'A Zebra has the right to be as lame as it wants on the Savannah without having to fear being attacked by a Lion.'

Maybe the Universe is some unfathomable fetus. If so, the Big Bang Theory just got hilariously appropriate.

Condoms have expiry dates. I had no idea they were edible.

I have never heard of anyone who can give themselves a raise, giving themselves a pay cut. EVER.

I HAVE, however, heard of folks who can give OTHER people a raise, giving them a pay cut...

When it comes to the Twilight films I'm Team Sweet Jesus Give It A Rest.

I think I can help Big Business. Attracting someone who's greedy and willing to rape your company for every penny they can before leaving it a sad, wheezing husk of what it once was, is not actually attracting 'talent'. At least not the right kind.

For all you do gooders who say that big breasts don't matter, just think how much more good Mother Theresa could have done if she'd had a nice rack.

I fear that the digital age has all but destroyed the pencil industry.  Whole towns are going under in Pencilvania.

Here's a simple rule of thumb. If it's on your hand, but it's not a finger...

I can't believe Bette Davis won't respond to any of my tweets. I mean, I'm her biggest fan and she's just ignoring me. Say what now? Dead? Well, alright, maybe not her BIGGEST fan. RIP Bette Davis.

I dream of a world where people listen to my dreams with interest rather than rolling their eyes all the time. Okay! THERE! Just like that!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Mel Gibson's possible explanations

With all the drama of the Oksana and Mel tapes being leaked on the internet, the one thing that's been overlooked is, we haven't heard from Mel Gibson about these conversations.  We know nothing of the context, or the underlying issues at the time these calls were made.  Maybe there's a logical explanation we haven't heard yet.

And in that vein I'm happy to provide some possible explanations that Mel could be offering up in the near future.  I've come up with a few and I think the odds are really good we'll be seeing one or more of them on Entertainment Tonight sometime soon. You're welcome. Enjoy the spoilers...

1)  Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening.  First let me explain to you all that I'm a big Fred Travolina fan (have you heard him do me? Oh! Ha! Ha! Of course you have.) and though he's lost it, I don't apologize for taking him in and looking after him during his medical crisis. The shocking thing is that Oksana knew we were having trouble keeping him off the phone. I can't believe she'd leak her conversations with him.  What a FUCKING CUNT!!!!!! WHAT?!?! I HATE HER!! (PANT!) I DON'T WANT HER!! (PANT! PANT!) HER BOOBS MAKE HER LOOK..."

2)  Hee! Hee! Me say boo boo! Me adorable. Me forgiven?

3)  Yes I've heard the leaked tapes and like the rest of the civilized world I was horrified by what came out! I didn't pay Steve Jobs $700.00 for the iPhone 4 to have my side of the conversation sound so scratchy. Rest assured my lawyers will be contacting Apple.

4)  It's all a misunderstanding. Please! If you'll just let me explain. What I meant to say was, "Hi Oksana, s'new?" Now if you're a Jew, naturally you're going to put a bad spin on my way of saying that... that's what Jews do, they try to make you look anti-semitic, profane, psycho, and all racist. Kooky fact: did you know they started all the wars in the world? Anyhoo, can we please move on to discussing my new movie "If OJ was a Jew who did it"?

5)  This'll all blow over. You'll see. Hey! Who wants to see my naked bum again?!?

6)  It's all that fucking Joe Pesci's fault. The dumb shit put cinnamon on my Meth. I'm allergic to cinnamon... and sanity.

7)  Me? Racist? Come ooooon!!! Coooome ooooon!!!! I mean, cooooooooooome oooooooooooooon!!!!
Okay, fuck you all.

8)  I've got $600 million. My looks are shot. NO ONE wants to see my films anymore. I can't even find someone under 40 to have an affair with.  Really, if ever there was a time for me to go all batshit, you know? Guys, AMIRITE?!?!

9)  I realize some of you are shocked by the revelations of my demeanor on those tapes. I just want to set the record straight by saying I built a church on my property, divorced my wife while professing to be an Uber Catholic and already ranted after a DUI about Jews and 'sugar tits' and all. Seriously, it's not like you couldn't see this coming. In a way this is more your fault than mine.

10)  What part of "I need my child and a maid' don't you FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?!? Okay, fine, for the rest of this press conference you can direct all your questions to my attorney, Lindsay Lohan. Get up here bitch! I GOT YOU OUT OF FUCKIN' JAIL. YOU OWE ME!!!! WHA?!?! WHA?!? HOW DARE YOU?!?! YOU FUCKIN" WHORE!!! Okay, Tom, in the third row, did you have a question?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My brain fell in the forest but nobody was there to hear it...

Is it wrong to wish for a world at peace AND I get laid all the time? I mean seriously, why can't I get laid? I brought world peace for Christ's sake!!!! FINE!! FORGET IT! Get your own world peace you selfish bastards.

As far as I'm concerned magnet manufacturers should be bending over any time the fridge industry asks.

It takes a village to raise a child but do WE see any part of the welfare cheque? NOOOOOO!

Way I see it, if you're not part of the solution, you're the contact lens. There.  I've said it. Do with it what you will.


The Tampon industry is ignoring a huge demographic by excluding men. We have orifices too ya know!

It's true. Quitters never win and winners never let you forget.

I don't care what anyone says. Nope, wasn't starting a thought, that's it.

It seems to me that ALL mastectomies are 'radical'.

I walked into the party with way more fluid grace than that baby's showing, OMG! NOW he's using the coffee table for balance while I'm standing here effortlessly! Where are MY 'oohs' and 'awwws'? Fucking babies!

How come no one's invented Meat Cake yet?

I'd like to think that when I die, I'll sit on God's right hand side and, together, we'll make fun of all the loser angels.

When you realize that there is just no opportunity to fart all day long, the Queen of England's typical facial expression makes total sense.

There's no problem in this world that can't be eased with a little denial.

When people say that money doesn't buy happiness I think they forget that poverty doesn't either.

Postdictions - Predicting the Past with Uncanny Ackuracy

Some time in the late 60's a beautiful starlet will become a star. I can't quite make her out but she's got big breasts. OMG! I'm seeing the same thing for the 70's, 80's and 90's!


Queen Victoria is going to pass away. It will shock the nation who thought she'd been dead already for at least 40 years.

A new dance craze will sweep the USA. WAIT! There's more! I see tap shoes and a man associated with stairs, maybe it's his name. YES! YES! I see it, watch for someone named Fred Stepperton.

This next one is very murky. I see President Kennedy. I see his head. It's moving back and forth. Now I see a hole. It's frightening, I can only see darkness, what looks like a grassy knole, and... Oh My God!!!! The President of the United States will have like a MILLION affairs! Total Perv!

Hold on! I'm getting the letter P. Now an I. That one looks like a G. I'm not sure but my vision tells me that several different women will find success as a singer named Madonna.

I'm not sure what I'm seeing here. I appear to be under water. There's some sort of black tarry like substance spewing out into the frigid depths.  It's massive!  It's filthy. It's a hit sitcom starring someone named Roseanne.

What's this? I see a baby. It's surrounded by men bearing gifts. They bring to this baby all the wealth of the world. Yes, I see it clearly now. The Hilton's have a baby girl! I can't see her future, but I'm sure she'll be a Godsend.

I see a ragged woman. She has no wealth or status.  She's holding a child. She's helping the poor. The homeless. The hungry. But that's not the important thing. No. She's standing beside Princess Diana!!!! OMG! She is sooooo pretty! Diana!! Over here!!! Diana!! AAAIEEEE!!! She looked!! She looked!!

America witnesses perhaps the greatest tragedy ever perpetrated on it's home soil. It's monstrous, unimaginable. All I see are the vacant stares of the hundreds of people exiting Kevin Costner's 'Waterworld'. No! I can't go on!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Self important blathering. Nothing to see here, move along...

Richer people ask poorer people to donate generously to the poorest people and THEN deduct their expenses from the donations. I suspect richer people chuckle a lot.

Why do we always rally round to re-build someone's home that was destroyed but never rally round people who never had a home to be destroyed in the first place? < I know, terrible sentence, but still a valid question.

Being rich and having a beautiful wife isn't something to be proud of. That's like being proud of getting wet when it rains. Ditto being beautiful and having a rich husband.

Using nature to support a moral argument is just plain stupid. Animals don't give a rat's ass about morals.

Why doesn't anyone ever want to meet the person who WROTE the beautiful song instead of the person who only sang it?

Weddings are like moves. Your friends and family WILL be there, but that doesn't mean they want to be, so it's nice if you can ply them with booze after.

How come no one calls being left handed a 'lifestyle choice'?

The only people who ask if something makes them look fat, know they aren't yet.

Why do people think being single is lonely but being in a loveless marriage isn't?

If God really exists and really made Man in his image, he must be pretty gassy.

Who told women that a fat lip is a sexy look? Those 'beestung' lips they're paying for are truly gruesome.

You know the only reason you should get married? If you both have FUN together doing nothing. FUN. No other reason is remotely good enough.

Pound for pound, the hornet has to be the toughest sumbitch on the planet. Too bad they're so ugly. That's right hornets, I'm calling you out!

Hey pets! What's with all the dander?!?!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Messages To Consider Delivering If We're Ever Under Alien Attack

Invading Species!!  You can have Lithuania, Belgium, Nepal and Chile, but please leave the rest of us alone!

Attention unidentified Aliens. Piss off!  This is OUR neck of the woods.  Now go on, git!

Warning!  Earth is presently under quarantine for an extremely viral, airborne sexually transmitted disease.  Descent through our atmosphere inadvisable at this time!  (We should probably use yellow strobe lights at different places too.  OH!  And some kind of siren!!)

Beware of Dog!

We got guns you Alien sons of bitches!

Attention Aliens.  Please stand by as we transport up a few Billionaires who always wanted to go into space.  We will consider a cease fire, if you take them and go!

Invading Force.  Before you invade you MUST declare your position on abortion.  Don't worry, whatever your answer is, half of earth will support you.  Of course, the other half will be your worst nightmare!

Message for Aliens orbitting Earth.  There is a 4 million Quatloo fee for orbitting.  Please remit payment before proceeding to invade.

Hey, shitheads!  Tony 'Da Gooch' Tannini don't appreciate your disrespectin' his planet.  Yeah, it's his fuckin' planet, yous got a problem wit dat?!?!  Hey!  Fat Eddie!  Dey got a problem wit dat.  Paint 'em a picture!

To Alien visitors.  Sigourney Weaver was just foolin' with you.  You can have the kid.

Warning!  Humans fart.  A LOT!  Try Alpha Centauri, we hear THEY'RE very civilized and ripe for the picking.

Attention Invasion Force.  Earth is now represented by Johnny Cochrane.  Now unless you want to be intergalactically sued up whatever orifice represents your Wazoo, you'd better back off now!

Unidentified Aliens.  Please prepare to be boarded by Acting General, Judge Judy!

Attention Aliens!  We know why you're here and we understand.  You can find Joyce DeWitt at 122, 1203 Windermere Road, Picton, Iowa.  Don't tell her we told you.  Please, forgive us, we had no idea Three's Company transmitted THAT far into the galaxy and we're very, very sorry.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

You know, and this is just me thinking out loud, mind...

Why are there actresses but not doctresses?

What the hell is the opposite of flammable then?

Who died and made Gilligan owner of the island?


Is there a place for eggs in the brave new metric world?


Eight pack hot dog buns are just stupid.


I think I'm getting too old to have an Ed Asner Pin Up in my room.

Tattoos look horrible on old fat people and we are ALL going to be old fat people.  Ergo...

How come the more money people get, the more they want to eat frogs, slugs, fish eggs, fungus and the like?

Am I the only one who's feeling confident that when I go it won't be in my own private jet, like JFK Jr.?

Why don't they just leave the hatches battened down to begin with?

Does anyone else think that there's an entire untapped market out there for Adult Diapers?

Hats off to the person who invented wigs!

Wigs off to the person who invented hats!

Why do we all wish for a long life and then despise getting older?

I don't get pickles.

Will anyone ever acknowledge that the Rat Pack guys joking about Sammy Davis Jr. being black were just out and out creepy?

Fish in aquariums must go batshit from boredom.

Dr. Drew is simply a dominatrix with a camera crew.

Correct me if I'm wrong but honey comes from a bee's pee pee.  Surely you can spend your money on something a little cleaner.

Seriously, the letter 'C' is superfluous. Of course so is the word 'superfluous'.

You know why we're weird?  We spend our lives wanting to believe the people we're trying to impress are impressive themselves.

How do doctors go home and eat?  OMG! Or DENTISTS?!?!

If fashion changes, is it ever really worth having?

If we were smart we'd make 'fat' the new 'sexy'.  People living during the Renaissance were brilliant!

If a can opener fails, does it become a can't opener?

Winners MUST quit occasionally.  Or don't they ever sleep?

Just so I'm clear.  God actually planted a 'forbidden' tree, pointed it out, stressed that it was 'forbidden' and then was surprised that they tried it?  Is God serious?  Why didn't he just leave his wallet on the dresser too?

Between you and me, I think Mary Poppins was uppity.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Bitching about Twitter

I've got a Twitter confession to make.  I've grown tired of the very things I once jumped up and down with joy over.  I have officially become one of the attention deficit generation (albeit 4 generations behind).  I've discovered that I am delighted with any one thing for precisely 2.36 seconds before becoming disillusioned.  Within 41.2 seconds I progress to annoyed.  This rapidly becomes disinterest (3.79 seconds) followed by noticing something new and TOTALLY COOL!!!  Rinse, Repeat.

I still love Twitter, I really do, but it's given me an insight into many areas, including my own issues, that have left me depleted and, sadly,  nowhere near as dirty as I had hoped.  Need an example or two you say?  Here ya go:

Those of you who have read my earlier blogs (both of you) know that I tried to flag Neil Patrick Harris' attention regarding Shawn of Uncultured Project fame.  Well, that laid on the table for a few meals before the rats gave their own asses and tried a nibble.  Then they headed on down to whatever Pub rats go to and haven't been heard from since.  I don't regret trying, but it's just not possible to get everything you try every TIME you try.  But as I watched his tweets to see if it worked, I started noticing something.  Something insidious.  Something so vile and unimaginable that... okay, I'm just shittin' ya.  But I DID notice SOMETHING.  I was becoming annoyed with Neil Patrick Harris!  And not just NPH.  Slowly but surely, I realized EVERY tweeter was annoying.  It was like we were ALL just humans!  You know, the kind sitting around a table playing Canasta and talking WAY too much.  Which, if you know Canasta conversations, always SEEMS like a good idea - until the Great White Shark shows up...  Okay, I've never played Canasta, I'm just assuming...

One thing that kills me about Twitter Celebs is that the very thing that you think makes them Ubercool at the beginning slowly becomes Uberannoying.   Much like marriage really.  You know - the way that adorable laugh becomes a taunting cackle that eats away at your soul.  Not that I've ever been married.  Like Canasta, I'm just assuming.

I LOVED how ordinary NPH was.  I raved about it.  He's just a guy who tweets and asks for restaurant suggestions, or occasionally asks for people to vote for him in 'Favorite This or That' contests.  Charming, really.  Glitter with the touch of the human.  Just like my friend Corey, though HIS glitter is from WalMart.

Only now, after his last shoulder shrug-esque request for votes (how he shoulder shrugs in a tweet is beyond me - and frankly, for 2.36 seconds I thought it was Ubercool) I've become somewhat uninterested.  My attitude isn't directed at Neil per se, but at ALL wealthy celebs.  WHY do you need awards on top of everything you already have?  I don't get it.

That's like someone having the greatest sex night after night and then hoping to get a Porsche out of it.  AND asking thousands of people who haven't had any sex (OR own a Porsche) to help them out!  It's not criminal, it's not immoral, it's just... innocently greedy - and, worse,  it reminds the rest of us we're not getting any to begin with.  Now hold on.  Like the Canasta example, I'm not saying I'm sexually frustrated, I'm JUST making an analogy, really.  That's all... OH PISS OFF!!! ALL OF YOU!!!! And no, being sexless isn't the reason I'm cranky and playing Canasta!  I just told you I get sex.  Lot's of it.  Okay, next topic.

I said NEXT TOPIC DAMMIT!!!!

Whew!  Sorry, 'bout that, I just got carried away, I'm fine now.  Really.  Who's deal is it?

I'm tired of the 'Complainers'.  Can you believe my gall?!?!?  Seriously, even I just raised an eyebrow at me.  But there are so many tweets out there complaining about this, that, and the other thing. I may BLOG complaints, but I'm sorry I just can't fit any of MY complaints into 140 characters or less.  Can't do it.  And I truly believe I shouldn't.  So I just tweet funny stuff or links to weird things.  I save my 'Nomination Worthy' complaints (vote for me Neil!) for Darrenkipedia, where the world comes to nod it's head and say, "That boy's onto something!"


Where was I?  Oh yeah, complainers.  There is something odd about what bitching does.  It almost never gets people to nod and say, "That boy's onto something!" (sigh)  Instead, it makes us all think "What a negative person."  Even if your point is relevant, you shouldn't tweet about what's wrong with someone else.  I'm sure Neil would agree.  YES I see the irony Neil, that's why I mentioned you.

No, don't complain via Tweets. Instead you should stress the positive or at least identify a wrong ONLY to inform. And as annoying as it is to get yet another 'vote for me' tweet from NPH I'll say this about the man.  He NEVER complains or puts anyone else down.  That alone puts him back in the Ubercool zone in my books.  If you MUST complain, I say do so where you can 'splain your thinking.  You just CAN'T accomplish that in a tweet.  Blogs are free (for now) so use 'em!

The next two points are somewhat connected.  Celebs who only tweet about their latest project and celebs who are on Twitter but have never tweeted themselves.  These are sins because they ruin a beautiful internet neighborhood with their e-billboards.

First, let's discuss the 'sellers'.  Those tweets have all the charm of an infomercial.  Seriously, I get WHY it seems like a good marketing tool, but I'm telling you, it isn't.  I don't care what your latest album is or your latest tour dates.  I don't read tweets for that.  You've got a website, I'll check there thank you.  You don't have a website?  You're not a real celebrity are you?  VERIFIED!!!! (which by the way, is the new BAM!!!!)

Anyhoo, the truth is, I read the tweets of people I know to find out wazzup with my friends.  If I've added a celeb I consider them on some level to be in the friend category.  I just want to know how your morning toast was, or what you're doing later NOT what you want me to buy today.  If you don't want to share with your fans, you don't have to.  Seriously, it's okay, you don't know us at all, so cool, just allow your friends to follow you or get off Twitter.  I see nothing wrong with that.  But DON'T be an e-door to e-door salesman.  Just don't.

The next Twitter faux pas, in mho, is the 'fake celeb account'.  I don't mean someone PRETENDING to be a celeb (though I don't even GET that whole scene at all), but the actual celeb doing the SAME THING!!!  Don't use our Twitter Neighborhood to have someone in your management company pretend to be you, or worse yet, (listen up GLEE) the character you play just to make money off of us.  It's insulting and removes you at once from being part of something incredibly powerful.  The communitizing of the world via the internet.  People are savvy.  They catch on to who's a part of a movement and who's trying to take advantage.  And they rarely forget.  I love the show Glee, but the marketing people are turning me off something BIG TIME with their character accounts.  What, am I an idiot and want to interact with some stranger pretending to be the actor pretending to be the character of a fictional TV show?  I've got two words for you - Milli Vanilli. I wonder if THEY'RE on Twitter?  And are they verified?

Confession time.  I didn't actually type that last paragraph.  I hired someone with REALLY strong typing skills to do it for me.  Sorry, it just seemed an important enough point to hire out for. NOTE: I'm still the guy he hired by the way, and I sell lithographs of my fingertips for $50.00 a print.  Come on over to www.lithofingers.com or follow @lithofinger and see what 'must have' prints are still available!  Just don't tell THIS guy what I told you, cause it seems he's touchy about the whole thing.  What a negative person!

Anyhoo.  That's about it.  Those are my Saturday morning bitches.  Next time I'll be funny, but THIS time was really just me being self-indulgent and I LOVED IT!!!!!  Remember, Blog rules allow that, Twitter rules don't.  I AM THE LAW so don't question me.  You may now go and contiue with your day (and don't slouch).  Ciao for now bellas!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

How To Tell You're An Alpha Male And NOT In A Good Way

You OWN the Polka Dance Floor.

People know to get out of your way when you slip into your white patent leather 'Friday Night' shoes.

You tell it like it is and the other bowlers back the hell down.

You refuse to 'suck up' to your latest girlfriend's kids even if one of them has got seniority over you on the weekend shift at the drive-thru window.

You ignore your friends' taunts and ALWAYS roll down the car door window if you fart and there's a lady in the car. No ifs ands or buts.

You're not one of those Namby Pamby guys who changes his hair style every 20 years.

You carry your own personalized Cribbage Board around in case you're ever challenged.

You don't just have your kids' names tattooed on you like some schmuck, but have their portraits at the age of 2, as well.

Your peeps down at the social assistance center think of you as the 'go to' guy.

You make fun of guys with 9 to 5 jobs.  Or any job really.

You believe in bros before hos even though you also believe they're spelled brose and hose.

Your idea of romance is looking deep into her eyes while calling her your 'Old Lady'.

You don't trust any man who don't 'chaw' tobaccy.  And never will.

You don't really see a difference between a 'Wife Beater' shirt and all shirts.

You believe nail clippers are a waste of good money.

You KNOW that gun shows are the only thing that keep you sane.  Well, that and the wrestling show when it comes to town.

You tell the doctor what's wrong with you and not the other way around, cause he don't know nothin'!

Your biggest sexual fetish is to do it with a woman who has all her teeth.  But you know it's only a crazy fantasy.

You have no respect for anyone who pays for their cable.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Blurbs - From the Best Of Collection

I have a library's worth of material I've written.  Most of the stuff are 600 to 1200 page masterpieces.  I don't feel like typing out any of them in their entirety but here are some snippets I've pulled out for your enjoyment.  I think you'll find them intoxicatingly addictive.  If you must have more, e-mail me and I'll give you the appropriate dewey decimal point designation so you can rent the WHOLE book at your local library.  Kiss kiss.

The Slowening:

Sensing danger, Jake turned his head the only way he knew how, with his neck.


Tish and the Time Machine:

Nick wondered if he'd ever seen such a tough as nails, stunningly beautiful paleobiologist.  Maybe once or twice before, but while they may have been tough as nails and stunningly beautiful, THIS one was a woman!  He shifted the oozi over his shoulder and smiled.


Ultra Woman Returns:

Having dropped the crooks off at the local police station, Ultra Woman flew back to Buckingham Palace to face the day again as Queen.


The Curious Case of the Twin Killers: A Mortimer Mantle Mystery

Mortimer's jaw dropped.  He rubbed his eyes trying to comprehend what he had just seen.  Had the man he'd been following on the street only moments before really just turned into a drugstore?  He felt reality disappear beneath his feet.


Will I Never Find Love?:

Michelle rolled over and looked at Michael, still fast asleep.  Why did our names have to be so similar, she wondered.  No way we can make this thing work.  She wiped a single tear from her eye.


Big Yellow:

Professor J.J. Pimpleton stopped dead in his tracks.  There before him towering 16 stories high was an impossibility.  A Jurassic version of today's yellow canary.  And it was about to sing!  He desperately signalled to Vera to stop playing the Accordian.  Jesus!  She was going to get them all killed.


Insulin - The Hunger:

Sweat poured down his forehead as he nervously jabbed the needle into his arm.  He looked away from the dead eyed stares of the other diabetics as he did his thing.  Sugar was his constant enemy now.


Tell Beulah I Said 'Hello Beulah':

Jeremy stopped.  That vase wasn't there before, he was sure of it!  Had someone in the last 3 years been in this room and put the vase there?  He eyed the maid who went about her dusting.  Nice vase, but still, what was it doing on that table?  Then another thought struck him like a thunderbolt.  Is it VAWS or VASE?  His mind reeled.


Land Line IV:

The phone rang for a fourth time and Jeremy reached out a trembling hand.  "Hello?" he asked.  But it was too late, they'd hung up.  'Why'd I wait FOUR rings instead of THREE?!?!' he screamed to no one in particular.


The Magnificent Martins:

The Martins had lived in this part of Virginia for over 15 generations and they STILL couldn't figure out why.
Underachievers sure, but could that be the only reason?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Inappropriate things I may or may not have done in my life...

                                   French kissed the bride.  Hey!  I'd never been to a lesbian wedding before and I didn't know the rules, okay?!?!













                                   Had a tickle fight with the Pope.  You think that was inappropriate for ME?!?!  Unreal.  The Pope can get away with murder.













                                  Looked Jennifer Love Hewitt right in the eyes and said, "I will NOT go into the light."














                                   Accidentally farted at Princess Diana's funeral.  That's not really the inappropriate part.  As people started noticing I kept makiing a face and pointing at The Queen.













                                   I once went for seconds at a charity buffet for a fasting prisoner.














Okay, okay, I was also the guy who THREW the charity buffet for a fasting prisoner.













                                   I once sold a Time Share to Mother Theresa.  She didn't need it and it took her a hellish 10 years to get out of it, but I made my quota that month!













                                   Never warmed up to Madonna.  Oh YOU may not find that inappropriate, but I'm barred from 34,453 gay bars because of it!

Remembering Cory Haim

Was it really only 40 years ago that Cory Feldman, Cory Haim, Corey Stratton and myself were the toast of Hollywood?  Back then we were known as the 4 Cory's until the Enquirer uncovered the fact that my name wasn't actually Cory Phlegm or that Corey Stratton used an 'e' in his name.  That's when everything changed.

The other two Cory's took it really hard and turned to drugs, while Stratton posed for Playboy.  I can still remember the front page blurb of that issue.  'Turn to page 35 to see the world's largest vagina'.  It was horrible.  Corey was devastated and moved to Canada to get away from the media circus that ensued.  Last I heard he'd shaved his head and become a crazed blogger, but who knows?
 
I, myself,  donned a Pith helmet and headed to Africa for a 4 month Safari.  That was always one of my dreams.  Not the Safari, of course, but getting to wear a Pith Helmet.  Seriously, where can you wear a Pith Helmet and NOT look stupid but Africa.  Soooooo, Africa is where I went.  And for the record, I looked fabulous.  Could have lived without all the poverty while I tried to eat, or the horribly seasoned Chateau Briand, but I looked fabulous and I think you'll agree, that's worth a little sacrifice.

Africa changed me.   Or, more accurately, my muscled guide, Manbooboo changed me.  I won't go into detail, but I couldn't sit for 3 weeks after Africa.  Or stop smiling for 6. Wooo!

Anyway, on my return I discovered how far the other 3 Cory's had fallen.  It was heartbreaking and I very nearly stopped attending all those glittering Hollywood functions - THAT'S how depressed I was.  Fortunately it turned out I looked fabulous depressed so it all worked out - I guess God really does open a window when he closes a door (and not just when he farts).

Stratton, I'd learned, had given up on competing in Triathalons and had moved in with a Baked Cheezie Chef of ill repute.  He became a hermit or a kermit, or a Dermot Mulroney fan - honestly I wasn't really listening when I was told what happened to him, but I'm sure it was bad.  But it was nothing compared to what happened to the other two.

One day they called me.  They'd just wrapped 'Dream A Little Dream' and asked me to come to the screening.  So I watched. Yikes!  When the credits had finished and the lights came on I was almost tempted to grab the needle from Feldman's arm and jab it into my own, but I resisted.  Instead I told them that they were Oscar bound (which I should have been for THAT performance!) and left it at that.  I had my chauffeur drop them at Michael Jackson's house where, ironically, they really WERE bound, and I went on to a fabulous party for Liza Minnelli and her lesbian husband.

As they fell futher into the abyss of drug abuse and Corey began his illicit love affair with recliners, I sailed on.  Movies, hit TV shows, concerts, Broadway - I watched them all.  It was a heady time and I soon lost track of my old pals.  I had no idea they were all self destructing.  I guess I was too tied up in my training to make the Olympic Trampoline Team to notice.

Long story short I succeeded in everything I did (except for getting cut from the Trampoline Team for failing the urine test - should've studied harder) and they, unfortunately,  failed at everything.  Except for Crack.  Gotta hand it to 'em, they really did that well.  At least the two in Hollywood did, Corey just kept trying to smoke his backside.  Ended up in the hospital with a ruptured disk. So sad, so very, sad.  Even the 2 Cory's stopped taking his calls around this time.

Fast forward to a couple weeks and several goat placenta injections ago.  I was just waking up in the 10,000 sq ft master bedroom of my Swiss Chalet (you'll love their chicken) when one of my manservants informed me that Cory Haim had died.  My first thought was "NO! NO! These down pillows are the wrong feather count!"  But then I remembered who Cory was (he was in Stand By Me, yes?  Wait, the fat one or the cute one?  Oh well, ONE of them died and that's all that matters) and I wept inconsolably into my rich and opulent feather bed.  After taking some beautiful pictures of me weeping, my manservant dutifully sent the photos off to the media and I got up and had a sumptuous brunch before calling the Peachland Institute for the Criminally Insane to leave a brief (and sad) message for Stratton.  Then I knew I had to stay strong.  I couldn't let this defeat me.  I couldn't let this overshadow my successes through the years.  No.  I was going shopping with my neighbor Shania Twain, come hell or high water!  FYI we found these really kicky boots that were to die for!  I ended up buying them cause they looked WAY better on me than on her.  Suck it bitch!

But I digress.  Good bye dear old friend, whichever one you are.  You will be remembered for ever.  Which reminds me, I haven't worn those boots yet!  Well, tonight's the night.  And though the 4 Cory's are gone, I'm gonna dedicate my 'strut' to Cory Feldman, gone too soon.  Haim?  Oh, right.  Cory Haim, gone too soon.  But regardless of who I lost, these boots were made for walking.  I'll post pics later!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

#1 reasons - The list

#1 reason no one cares about online sex tapes anymore:
Realizing that it's just a matter of time before one of Maya Angelou's surface.

#1 reason people love to see Susan Boyle on stage:
Guarantees she won't be sitting at your table hitting on you.

#1 reason to see Avatar:
To piss off Linda Hamilton.

#1 reason to ease up on 'living healthy':
You'll spend the best years of your life miserable just to gain 10 more years - 10 YEARS of trying to go pee.

#1 reason to hang out with Liza Minnelli:
 You might get to marry her - if you're gay... and desperate.

#1 reason to clip your nose hair:
People might start having lunch with you again.  Might.

#1 reason William Shatner changed his name:
It was just way less creepy in the past tense.  (Give it a minute)

#1 reason to miss Michael Jackson:
Tito

#1 reason to make a #1 reason list:
A #2 list just sounds like some sort of scat fetish.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Brave New World and freshly washed socks

Lately I've been getting more and more uncomfortable with Facebook.  Nothing too serious, nothing too annoying, but the composite of all the little things added up and I finally said, 'What's wrong with deactivating?'.

So I did it.  It's weird but I felt like I was leaving in a huff or something.  I don't know why.

Maybe it's that you feel like you're leaving all your friends.  You don't get to leave a note when you deactivate, you're just... gone.  Like you've hoisted a stick with a bandana holding all your belongings, over your shoulder and bid adieu to civilization.

But there are many reasons I no longer enjoyed being on Facebook.  Here, in no particular order, they be.

1)  Privacy issues.  Facebook keeps intellectual ownership of your  pictures, videos, ramblings (hee hee, MY thoughts... that's THEIR problem now - good luck making sense of THOSE!).  I just feel like that's heavy handed.  I don't like it, but not enough to really care.  This is just ONE of many reasons that added up.  It's not like I'm going to take them to court over my status updates so I can make a book out of them.  Or should I?  Maybe they'll settle and I'll get juuuuuust enough to pay the lawyers... okay, bad plan.

2)  Too many people on my 'friends' list.  I wanted to get rid of some, but they're called 'friends' and I felt too guilty.  Also, I never heard from some of those 'friends'.  Why was I on their list?  Why were they on mine?  And WHY did it just feel RUDE to even think of removing them?  And if you DO get rid of them, you have to BLOCK them in order for Facebook not to suggest you to them as a new friend!!!  YAAGGHH!!!!  If I felt guilt about removing them what are the odds I wouldn't end up in therapy if I blocked them?!?!?!

3)  News feeds.  God almighty.  I don't want to know what quiz you just took or read the 'Cut and Paste this into your status' status updates.  I know no one puts them in my newsfeeds other than Facebook, so if you're reading this, I don't mean 'YOU' per se.  I mean Facebook on your behalf.

4)  Facebook on your behalf.  I felt like they had all the control and I didn't.  Stop telling others what I did, what I'm doing, what I'm viewing, what I played!!!!!  Nyet more Comrade! Nyet more!!!

5)  They're making a fortune off me being there and giving me nothing.  I know, that can be said for anything online, but still, they're TOO big and making TOO much money and I'm STILL getting nothing.  I'm gone and it feels great to not be a part of the machinery.

6)  It's old, I'm old, and changes are bad for both of us.  They keep changing the look with no notice, and I have to try to find out how to use it all over again.  22 year olds everywhere just rolled their eyes at me, but it's STILL TRUE!!!!

Anyway, those are some of the reasons I left.  Now all I have to deal with is the withdrawal.  I just know I'm going to miss some parts of it.  Like ... OH NO!!!  I was in the middle of a Scrabble game with Corey (@Coreyoke1 for all you Tweeters out there) he's going to kill me!  Oh well, he reads these blogs (poor, bored bastard) so, sorry Corey, I completely forgot we had a game going when I deactivated!  I'll make you a bran muffin someday to make amends... but just the one, you know bran's not good for you.

Will I survive in my self-induced Post-Facebook existence?  Yup.
Will I grow wild and begin eating wild beasts? Nope.
Will I become a Twitter addict. Yup, already am one.  But I also hope this will give me more online time for blogging which I'm truly coming to love.

Well, I've nattered long enough for now, but I just wanted to proclaim my joy at making a change.  I don't often accomplish that, so it's definitely a reason to Hoot and Holler.  Wish me luck on my brave new journey.  My journey of discovery.  Oh damn, the arm's stuck and I can't get out of my 'Laz-y-boy.'

Okay, wish me luck tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Who knew my brain had all this garbage in it?

There are over 1 billion galaxies in the Universe (and counting) and in each of those galaxies there are over 1 billion stars.  Most, if not all of those stars have planets orbiting them.


If the odds of one earth-like planet existing around any one of those stars in a 'livable' zone is even .0000001%, then there are potentially 1 billion planets capable of supporting life.

My Point?  Can you believe WE got Courtney Love?!?!


Divorce is a billion dollar industry.  Ted Bundy got married in prison.  Queen Elizabeth II married her cousin.  American men can 'order' a bride from the Philippines.  But 2 women fall in love?  NOW the sanctity of marriage is threatened...


I think the Egyptians, Greeks and Romans proved that we're capable of building things that last, except maybe for successful civilizations.


I think we all remember where we were when Bea Arthur died.  Myself, I was on the Lanaii.


James Cameron really painted himself into a corner this time!  Good luck making a THIRD billion dollar movie sucka!


Albert Einstein, Julius Caesar, Mahatma Ghandi or me.  Who would you most like to have dinner with?  May I remind you, the other three are rotting corpses?  Take your time, I'll wait.

I guess I thought Mel Gibson had it together.  That MUST be the reason I can't believe what his life's become.  And as bizarre and pathetic as he appears, he can still buy and sell me.  Anyhoo, I'm off to stick my head in my oven...

When I die I want to be remembered as that guy.  You know, that guy that did that thing.

Can you believe that 'Asteroids' was a word they DIDN'T use for hemorrhoids? DON'T tell ME that asteroids were discovered first, no way, no how!

Poor people are so easily distracted from the fact that they are USED by the rich that it really makes me want to be rich.

Did you know that practice DOESN'T always get you to Carnegie Hall?  It's true!  However, you won't have any better luck taking the 113 Straight Line... it's shitty.

I was SO hoping Ellen Degeneres would get that second job.  Poor thing can barely get by on the first one.

I believe we have all made the mistake of taking the donut for granted.  Shame on us.

What goals do people born into the British Royal Family have?  They can't really social climb, aim to make their first million, or try to get laid more than they do.  I suppose all you can really aim for, in their position, is to NOT marry a golddigger.  Hoo Haa, good luck with that playas!!!!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Movies I NEVER want to see but KNOW will be made

Three's Company II - Life Is A Ball Again

I'm Gonna Whoo! You Know What? Yeaaaah! - The Paula Abdul Story

Star Wars X - Return Of The Merchandise

Pretty Woman II - Back At 'Er

Twilight - Daylight Savings Begins

Harry Potter And The Fifty Year Old Teen Actor

Disney's The Little Bunion

To Do: The List

Titanic II - The Ice Berg's Story

The Mummy IV - Daddy's Turn

Mel Gibson's Passion Of The Christ II:  Jesus This Is Good Vodka

James Cameron's Xanadu (Director's Cut)

Big Breasts, Freaky Name:  The Jennifer Love Hewitt Story

Sunday, January 17, 2010

How DARE NBC do this to Conan... or Jay... or Johnny... or Ed

Well the war rages as thousands of people have begun wearing Team Leno and Team Coco shirts to proclaim their allegiance to either Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien.  I myself have decided to wade into the controversy by authorizing my people (Jenny down at the local Kinko's) to announce that I, Darren McLeod, DON'T CARE!!!!!!!  Stay tuned to see what NBC offers me to calm down.

All joking aside, I truly don't care about Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien.  But maybe that's just me.  I can assure you it's part of a looooong history of not bothering to care about stupid, insipid rivalries that mean absolutely nothing to anyone other than two or three millionaires.  But it seems to draw all us poor people into a heated debate over a situation that has NOTHING to do with us.  AT ALL!

I've always felt this way.

For example, I chose not to take a stand over which soda I preferred.  Oh, I'm sorry, I  mean which 'Cola' I preferred.  Nor did I lose sleep when Coke changed it's 'formula'.  However the fact that people felt their entire identities depended on their brand of cola was a sad lead in to which computer manufacturer you march behind in the Mac vs PC war to end all wars.

Are you sitting down?  You really should be sitting down for this next sentence.

I own neither a Blackberry or an Iphone.  I will pause my typing until you come around...

<<Hank?!?  Can you get me a beer?  Because I'm writing in my blog!!  What?!?!  I CAN'T  HEAR YOU!!  WHAT?!?!  Oh for God's... I"LL GET IT MYSELF!!!  I SAID, I'LL GET IT MYSELF!!!!  NEVER MIND!!!  Oh, thanks, you didn't have to come all the way up here.  I said, I'd get it,  aww, you're sweet.  No, I'm just waiting for my readers to come to.  Oh, there they are!  Talk to you later.>>

Ready now?  Okay.  First, let me assure you that life is still livable here in my cave though  a feud is raging over which is a better boulder chair - granite or sandstone.  I'm thinking of tatooing 'Take it for Granite' on my forehead, but those Sandstoners can be pretty vicious if they catch you away from your pod.

If I sound condescending, it's because I am.  I was there for the VHS vs Betamax battle.  The  Cola war.  The computer feud.  The HD DVD vs Blu-Ray rumble.  And now, the Team Leno vs Team Conan talk show Cage Fight.

I can understand Conan and Jay caring.  The rest of us giving a rat's ass mystifies me.  YOU don't get the millions these guys do.  YOU don't have a television show.  YOU are not even known to them, so put it in perspective.  A man is giving up MILLIONS (and getting MILLIONS as compensation... WTF?!?!) because his 'time-slot' is being moved to half an hour later and he won't tolerate it. Two shows with miserable ratings are being re-arranged and suddenly people are wearing T-shirts proudly proclaiming which side they're on, and actually CARING.

The part of this whole thing that is really sad, though, is that this same T-shirt wearing schmuck is waking up every morning to punch in to his $12.00/hr job from which he's about to be laid off (don't tell him - it's a surprise!)  But when THAT happens, well, THAT he can accept, but The Tonight Show coming on at 12:05am instead of 11:35pm?  Call the Coast Guard!  Conan was betrayed!  Who does Leno think he is?!?!  Better to ask, who does Leno think you are?  Probably sheep number 2,045,938 who'll get him some more cash so he can buy some more cars.  I'm afraid he's right.

NBC, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno.  They can care about this.  Why not, it's about millions of dollars.  The rest of us cattle should probably care more about WHY they get that kind of money in the first place.  If they and the sports star, and the movie star, and the 'Tycoons' of this world, AND the studios all got $12.00 an hour for the work they did, like the rest of us, houses would cost $10,000.00, cars $400.00, movie tickets Seventy Five Cents and WE, the REAL people, could actually have lives that didn't revolve around how one poor millionaire got shafted by another, which sugary drink tastes better, which money pit cell phone tortures us less, or which computer makes us feel less stupid.  We could also stop being poor and start caring about what unfair acts are being done to US instead of millionaires.

And maybe, just maybe we could stop wearing 'team' T-shirts to proclaim how 'individual' we are and start thinking again.  Hell, it's not that difficult.  Start slow - put on a T-shirt that says, 'Team Poor'.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Complete and Twitter Confusion!

Almost everyone I know (myself included) signed on to Twitter and sat looking at our monitors and thought "Okay, what the hell am I supposed to do now?"
Then we almost inevitably typed into our 'What's happening?' box something like this, "Just testing" or "Trying to figure this out".  This was usually our last act on Twitter for the following 3 months as we threw up our hands in frustration and forgot about it.

For all of you, I have arrived to explain why you'll actually love Twitter even though you haven't used it since 2008.  I've also arrived to bring you a Pizza, but that's my job.  The Twitter thingy is my new internet love.

It's not your fault that you don't get twitter.  Thanks to Facebook, MySpace, and countless other networking sites, we're conditioned to post pics with captions like 'Carly and Me at Space Mountain - YEEEAAAHH!!!' or poke people (honestly?  I don't and never will understand that whole thing), comment on people's statuses, start a hobby farm, medieval village, or a private garden and try to entice people who now hate you into signing up too.  They're heavy on the DO and light on the READ.

Twitter is the exact opposite.

It's heavy on the READ and incredibly light on the DO.

First, it's basically a status update.  That's it.  Clipping your toenails?  Write that and you're done.  No squirrel to chase out of your neighbor's e-garden with a purchased squirrel bazooka for 75 e-farm doubloons.

Second, search for people (then click the FOLLOW button to receive their regular updates) like President Obama or Reba Macintyre or Save The Children Organization (timely thanks to Haiti) and find out what they're doing, or thinking, or stressing to the masses right now.  It's real time.  For example everyone is helping everyone donate to reputable organizations for Haiti.  There are real time updates from people in Haiti.  Links to photos taken right now in Haiti from those same people.

It's far more honest than the news media, far less commercialized and... instant!  And once you're in the loop of ordinary people all over the world you are truly in the loop!

Third, check out anyone you're following's lists.  Who they're following, who's also following them, what lists of people and topics have they got?  Before you know it, you'll be following 100 people.

Fourth, start deleting some people you're following.  Yes, you read that right,  DELETING.  I got rid of Kirstie Alley and 3 Star Trek actors because they just wouldn't stop tweeting!  You want a certain amount of 'what's new' from your favorites, but some people tweet idiocy in 3 minute increments (Wil Wheaton kept going on about some T-Shirt with a Wolf's picture for 3 HOURS!) and that's just too much.

Now, that's it for Twitter and what it does.  But it has extra features that take it from cool to Ubercool!  For instance, say my friend Jerry wants me to see he's mentioned me in a post.

Like, "bcdarr has a fat ass and I'm going skiing".  (That is typical Jerry!  It's why we're no longer friends with benefits!)  All Jerry has to do is put an @ sign in front of my name and I will see I've been mentioned.  Anyone else reading the tweet can now click on my name and see my profile and all my previous tweets too.  They'll laugh and applaud my creative genius (yes they will!!) and click my follow button and I'll have a new friend.

Or Jerry can type "@bcdarr has a fat ass and here's the proof! http://www.IdoNOT haveafatassthisisjustanexample.com/pic 1.jpg  he now has my profile and my beautifully toned ass pics as links in his message.

If he should type "I'm going skiing to get away from #bcdarr'sfatass" well, that bastard has just started what's called a trend.  Anyone else who includes "#bcdarr'sfatass" in their tweet will have their tweet (besides appearing on their own page) compiled with a list of other people commenting on my fat ass (WHICH IT ISN'T!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE LET THAT GO!?!?!) on it's own trend page.  The trend topics are amazing (and of course there is a #Haiti relief) and people love it.

I'll give you yet another example of a neat use of Twitter.  I follow the Dixie Chicks.  They have a #FridayFeature which is a trend for a song of theirs to be played on (you guessed it!) Fridays.  You tweet #FridayFeature a song you want to hear and if enough other people tweet the same title, you win the vote and that link is up for you on Friday.

I like the possibilty of talking to a star.  Don't act superior!!!  You do too!  Like asking for an autograph, if you type @Elvis (okay bad example but it does give me the opportunity to point out that Twitter VERIFIES the person is who they say they are and lets you know) it's very possible that they'll respond.  They do it all the time cause they @ someone who @'d them and you can read it cause you're following them.  Don't get your hopes up too high.  Some of these people have 2 million followers.  There's no way they will be able to read all the tweets that mention them, but they know that randomly finding a mention and responding keeps their followers, well, following, so who knows?  The next one might be you.  Just get ready to have their 2,000,000 followers check you out to see why Elvis tweeted you.

Myself, I like finding someone in someone else's 'Who I'm Following' list that I would never have known existed.  I found masarat (if you get on Twitter, follow her).  She's a lady in India who goes to rural villages and starts what she calls The Eight Day Academy.  It's designed to teach teachers to expand their base of instruction to help poor kids get a real chance at education, because there are so many who don't get any structured education - they're working at 6 years old!  She tweets her thoughts, projects, successes and failures and it's truly amazing that I'm up to date on a brilliant woman's attempts to affect change in rural India.

So, the trick with Twitter is to FOLLOW people.  Don't worry too much about 'DOING'.  You don't have to be brilliant on it, just real.  Start seeing how vast and astonishingly varied this world is, simply by hearing as many people as you choose, tell you about their day.  It's simple but it's POWERFUL.

bcdarr out!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Somebody's gonna write a book that compiles all my profound quottations, uh, quoatations, er, quotattions, sayings.

At 47 years old, I'm only now beginning to get a sense of my own greatness and... hold on.... uh oh... yikes!... I... okay, turns out that wasn't greatness I was sensing, just gas.  Oh well, I'm only 47, there's still time.

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he'll starve.  Old Gobi Desert proverb

Will somebody PLEASE put Madonna in long sleeves already!?!

What a bitch if WE turn out to be the most advanced civilization in the universe. Can you say welfare galaxy?

The other day I saw this gorgeous couple holding hands, staring into each other's eyes as if there was no one else in the world.  You know, if it wasn't for billboards I wouldn't believe in love or the importance of G3 networks.

Scientists now think that man first stood upright in order to be able to gather and carry more food to a female, who would then mate with him and thus continue his DNA.  What's so profoundly wrong about that whole 'theory' is the assumption that gathering more food for YOURSELF wouldn't be incentive enough.  Trust me, SHE'LL come to YOU if you've got the most food.

We are all hypocrites, we just prefer pointing out the other ones.

It's really weird that we use the one word, love, to describe so many varied emotions and connections.  That's like using the word vegetable for anything edible.

Rome was an Empire, Spain was an Empire, France was an Empire, Britain was an Empire.  Wonder if America's catching on yet?  Or if China will either in 20 years?

The refridgerator is high up on my list of brilliant inventions.  In fact, I think I'll go have a snack right now!  Years ago, I would have had to go out to the cache and hack off a bit of jerky.  Yup, lovin' the fridge!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Philosophically good, bad and ugly

Just random,  admittedly strange reflections on stuff...

Things work out.  Maybe not the way you wanted or imagined, but things work out nonetheless.  So relax a little and enjoy being alive.

There's no such thing as 'getting even'.  If you think you've evened the score, trust me, the other guy is definitely planning to 'get even'.

There's a trick to being confident, and it's not blowing smoke up someone's ass.  Try being right instead of selling it.

Kindness is not a sign of weakness.  Quite the opposite.

Money isn't everything, unless you have none.  Then, yes, yes it is.

I don't like 'It's not what you know, but who you know' because it's more complicated than that.  It's also who you know's opinion of what you know and if they like you and aren't distracted by who they want to know, blah, blah, blah.  You know what?  Now I'm confused so just concentrate on WHAT YOU KNOW and quit bitching!

Every journey begins with the first step.  Well so does every mis-step, so let's be honest, the larger the number of steps the more faith you can have in them. Just don't get cocky...

Look before you leap is good.  But you know, easing up on the leaping would probably solve a majority of the problems you're having too.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.  Again, I like it, but... I'm picturing Lucy here.  Perhaps, 'keep your chickens really close to your fridge' would reduce random, harebrained accidents.  Hey, I'm just trying to makes things less chaotic for poor Ricky.

Don't judge a book by it's cover.  I like it.  Alot.  However, I think we can definitely judge the Bookbinder by said cover.  How is he still working?!?

Concentrate on the good, the bad will make sure it gets attention with or without your help.

You can always say something but you can never take it back, so what's your hurry?

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.  I love that one.  It's not just true, but calls the person who's frustrating you a horse.  Take THAT Mrs. Jablowski!!!!!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

My Name Is Darren, And I'm A Milkshakeaholic

Every time I want something, my mind instantly says, 'Why not make/build it yourself?"  Mostly I've learned that's not a good thing.  Like the plywood trampoline I now own, or the blu-ray player made entirely out of old hoop skirts.

But sometimes it works so easily and wonderfully that I wonder why I never thought of it before.  I've discovered that last sentence applies to 95% of what I eat.  I'm a bachelor and the very idea that I can eat like a King without the 'Burger' in front of it is one of those life changing moments that only hit me 3 or 4 times a day.

Alright, it's not life altering.  But it is lifestyle altering.  And it's fun!  Anyone who knows me, knows the 'fun' part sealed the deal.  I won't even go to my own funeral unless someone can guarantee me it'll be fun.  One last poignant lesson?  Thanks I'll pass.  Aunt Sophie slips on a banana peel and knocks my casket over?  I'm there!!!

So, what's my point?  Doing something new is fun, but it also leads to a bunch of other new ideas, projects and thoughts.  THAT'S the best part!

For example, a while back I wanted a milkshake but I wasn't going to get dressed, hitch up the horses to the buggy, notify NASA it was a go, do my hair and choreograph a Drew Carey-like crowd dance routine all the way up to the fast food joint just for a milkshake.  For a burger and shake?  Well, sure, but all I wanted was the shake and that's just too much hassle.

Suddenly, Geraldo Rivera turned to me and said, "Hey!  Why not google online how to make a milkshake?"  I looked him right in the eye and said, "Sir, you may be famous and in EVERYONE'S living room, but that hardly gives you the right to break in to my house, read my mind and come up with a rather good idea.  Get out!"

So as I'm escorting Geraldo to the door, I'm getting more and more enthused at making my own milkshakes.  But I'm nervous too, will it be difficult?  Will it taste awful?  Will it give me pimples?

Anyhoo, it's sooooo easy, it's embarrassing.  For the best Vanilla Milkshake you'll ever have, here's what you'll need.

- A hand mixer or immersible mixer
- Really good ice-cream (don't be cheap you cheap bastards!): about 4 big scoops
- sugar: 3 to 4 teaspoons
- vanilla: 2-3 Tablespoons (generally match to amount of milk and your taste buds)
- milk: 1/2 cup to 3/4 cup (this dilutes taste [thus the vanilla] but reduces thickness)

THAT IS IT!  Blend it all together for about a minute on high speed and USE A DEEP BOWL!  Ice cream tends to fly around at the beginning.

It takes 4 minutes to make 2 large size milkshakes with this, and my milkshakes were delicious the first go!  But remember, it's YOUR taste that matters so be brave and experiment with different quantities.

By the way, I LOVE vanilla shakes, so that's all I've made.  I have no idea what amount of chocolate syrup, or strawberries or different flavored ice-cream you'd need for different flavors but google it and I'm sure you'll have an answer in 1 minute.

So go on, enjoy.  Don't say I never give you anything.

Anyway, that's not actually the point of this blog.  The actual point is, I have gone through more Vanilla Extract in the last month than I've ever used in my life (1 whole bottle).  So, I google, 'How to make Vanilla Extract'.  What else would you expect from me?  My hair is still not done, what could I do?

Any bakers out there know that Vanilla Extract is expensive so I thought, 'Hey, I'll make my own!'.  It's mind-boggling easy!  Still expensive but here's what's needed.

5 ounce bottle with cap
1 vanilla bean
1 bottle 80 proof vodka

Now all you do is, you... 80 PROOF VODKA?!?!?!?!  I know!  That caught me off guard too!  It also explains why I've been missing my 12 step programs in lieu of my crazed nights of wanton vanilla milkshake rampages.

You cut the bean from tip to tip (but not completely - leave the ends attached), put it in the bottle, fill the bottle to cover the bean (but leave room for air) with said Vodka.  Cap the bottle and shake.  In fact, shake the bottle vigorously once a day for 6 months.  At that point you have home made vanilla extract!  Every time you use some, replace with vodka, always keeping the bean covered.  You have an endless supply of Vanilla Extract until it's no longer endless (you'll have to replace the bean every 2 or 3 years but otherwise, pretty endless).  Apparently it's great, not only for personal use but as a gift (in a fancy, schmancy bottle of course) that is sure to be unique.  No panic over hearing THIS at Christmas, "Oh John, look, Darren gave us a homemade bottle of Vanilla Extract!  Put it over there with the others."

But who knew Vanilla Extract was a shooter?  I didn't.  I DO know it's all incredibly easy except for one thing.  Where the hell do I buy a Vanilla Bean?!?!?!  I'm sorry, I'm not a kicky, trendy shop guy.  If it's not beside the bananas at Safeway, I'm screwed.  But maybe one of my trendy friends can tell me where to find that.  The Vodka I'm PRETTY sure I can find.

I know this was a long and windy blog about nothing but I wanted to inform you about 2 things.  Save money and make food at home.  It's fun, easy, and saves a fortune. And secondly, if you or anyone you know has a Vanilla Milkshake in their hand right now, there's help out there.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Some Songs From My Catalog

Those of you who know me, know there are 2 unchangeable facts about yours truly.

1)  I won't turn down a patient (I have a real patient fetish)
and
2)  The songs I write are from the heart - though rarely mine.

Here are some of the songs in my catalog, randomly selected from a list of well over 3.  Enjoy.


What's That Smell?  (Damn girl, I could have loved you)

I'm Coming Up So You'd Better Turn That Damned Music Off

Let Your Finger Linger (The Ballad of Tickle Me Elmo)

I Don't Care What The Test Results Say, I Didn't Do Billie Jean Either

T.R.I.A.L. S.E.P.A.R.A.T.I.O.N.

Boom Boom, Aint It Great To Be Crazy (Dance Re-mix)

THAT Does Not Go THERE (Oh Grease Girl)

I've Got A Crush On The New Church Elder

It Ain't Love Without The Plastic Sheeting

You Can't Always Get What You Ordered Online

I Changed The Baby Jesus, Holy Mother

You Don't Understand Him (But Yes I'm Still Pressing Charges)

(I'm Gonna) Put On My My My My My Kleenex Shoes

Kinda Built Like A Chevy But I Love Her (The Kinda Song)

The Greatest Could Take It Or Leave It Of All

Someone Call A Medic (Seriously Shot Through The Heart)

Friday, January 8, 2010

Smart Ass Statements I Regret

"And who died and made YOU Queen?!?!"
   Then I had to apologize to her Majesty for being so inconsiderate about her Dad's passing away.

"Oh yeah?! You and what army?!?"
   You know I just KNEW it was the wrong thing to say, but Patton had made me so damned angry.

"Genius move Einstein!"
   But then upon re-examining the board, I realized Albert had indeed put me in checkmate.

"I'd like to see you do any better!"
   Maybe I was too snappy with Bill Gates that day, but I was getting  frustrated trying to build my Ultra Typewriter prototype and having to listen to his 'helpful' suggestions.

"What was your first clue, Sherlock?"
   And do you think Inspector Homes would shut up after that?  Hooo boy!!

"Get a load of Greta Garbo over here!"
   I swear I didn't think they'd swarm her like that.  Greta Garbo R.I.P.

"Ooooooh! I'm scaaaaaared!"
   Actually the quote was, "Ooooooh! I'm scaa...." but then the rest is kinda fuzzy.  I didn't actually SEE what happened but it ws just me and Mike Tyson in the room, so I'm pretty sure he had something to do with all my teeth disappearing like that.

"Whoa!  Somebody's a little holier than thou!"
   Sarcasm is wasted on the Pope.

"You think you can steal my lyrics and get away with it?!  That'll be the day!!"
  Touche Buddy Holly, touche!

Darren - the unadulterated version

Tid bits about me.  See if you can spot the real from the not so real.  I certainly can't.


I'm balding.  That's the awkward stage between bald and 'worth cutting'.

I'm 47 but feel 25... until I get out of a chair, then I feel 68.

I actually know someone who won 30,000,000.00!!!!!  But, sadly, not well enough to get anything as a gift. sigh.

I'm 5'9" and weigh 185 lbs - but only in real life.  Online I'm 6'1" and weigh 190 lbs.  AND I'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat!  I have brains too ya know!

I don't actually have brains.

I believe in love, but not as much as I love being single.  Thank GOD I'm 5'4" and weigh 320 lbs - keeps that topic at bay!

I'm actually 4'5" and weigh 588 lbs.

I lie about my looks - but only in blogs, online dating sites and real life.

I was fired from my job as Julia Robert's stand in because I was 'too pretty'.

I have never eaten cheese on purpose - hate the stuff.

When I order a hamburger I ask for it to be 'plain, nothing on it, no cheese.'

When I get the hamburger I ordered it always has cheese, and the server always says, "Oh, just the bun and burger?  Really?"

I have always, make that ALWAYS had a problem with stalkers.  For some reason, some strangers take an instant like to me and won't let it go.

One year I let every call go to voicemail and (seriously - was before Caller ID)  after gaining the courage to live normally again, I picked up the phone after a FULL YEAR and it was the stalker calling!!!!  I finally told him to stop stop stop in the clearest and rudest terms I could and after 2 more months, he finally did.  I'll never avoid passively again.

I'm SO glad I'm 47 and balding now, I think that will ease up the stalker issues (if I ever go out again :-))

I LOVE HDTV!!!  How did I live without it?

Only 1 book has ever 'grabbed' me in the first paragraph.  Brokeback Mountain.  I love to read, and am usually hooked by the second page, but Brokeback Mountain really was by the second paragraph.

Favorite documentary is Alone In The Wilderness.  Absolutely the coolest story EVER!

I have never met someone who made me laugh that I didn't love fully.  Except that Clown who cheated on me!  I'll never forgive Mr. Buggles. NEVER!

I sometimes find it tiring having a first and last name that need to be spelled out for everyone and everything.  No one ever asks Bob Smith, "How do you spell that?"

I'm pretty sure it's obvious at this point, but I love what I call 'free typing'.  Just thinking and typing as I go.  Probably annoying to read, but what the hell?  I'm even more annoying in real life and it doesn't stop the stalkers, why let it stop you?  Oh, wait... unless you're a stalker too, and then, stop, stop, stop!  Seriously, STOP NOW!!!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The Uncultured Project and Neil Patrick Harris' blind date

Remember I waxed poetic about how the internet can now allow us to change the world?  Go to The Uncultured Project and see it in action.  If you're on twitter, he's uncultured - let me rephrase that, he goes by the name uncultured :P  I highly recommend following him.  There's also http://uncultured.com/about/ I cannot stress how beautiful it is to see that one person can inspire thousands of voices, thousands of hearts and direct them to places that need help.

So here's what I am attempting to do (believe me, I know, it's small and lame and may not work - but that should never stop anyone from at least trying!), although I've donated to the Uncultured Project, I also twittered Neil Patrick Harris about it.  You put an @ symbol in front of their name and they can see it on a list of tweets that mention them.  Simple, no?

Why?  Well, look how enthused his followers were when he made a small request.  If he were to follow Shawn, the young man who took this journey (Ummm, you HAVE checked out his site by now, haven't you?!?!) with his 210,000 followers seeing it being followed, or maybe make another low key suggestion that they simply look at his website or consider following him (Shawn has 260,000 followers by the way, so he's doing pretty good without my help :-)) he could DOUBLE the awareness of this awesome guy and his awesome project.  The Power of Neil!!! (Must be nice).

Now, I understand that Neil probably gets 100,000 mentions daily and may never see mine through the clutter, but why should that stop my giving it a try?  I've never met Neil, I've never met Shawn, but that makes it even cooler if, via the internet - our new global coffee shop - I could facilitate a great synergy between two very cool folks I've never met!

I also like the idea that there's nothing in it for me!  Look at me ma, I'm selfless!! FINALLY!

Anyway, don't know if it will work, but I love that I can try (couldn't have said that 10 years ago).  So cross your fingers and let's see if my theory about the internet being an 'exponential us' pans out!!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Gutsy comedy is a tough game...

I've been working on my stand up routine.  Those of you who know me, know that I love nothing more than to bring a smile to the face of a drunk with a chip on his shoulder.

But lately, I've been having trouble with my  material.  I'm going to share it with you because I'm worried that maybe the punchlines pack too much sting and I'd love to hear your opinons.  I sure hope I'm not being crass but I think they're very topical and dead on.  Frankly, I'm at a loss but believe it or not (and you won't once you read this top notch routine) the clubs are pretty quiet during my set.

Q:  What do you call an Irishman with too many children?
A:  Blessed.  I think we can all agree that children are a gift.

(Pause, wait for laughter to die down)

Q:  How can you tell when you're in a lesbian bar?
A:  There's no easy answer to that because many lesbians are as nondescript as straight women.  Really, it's a misnomer to think you can 'spot' one and actually quite offensive.

 (Rim shot!)

Q:  How do you get a Mormon to settle down?
A:  Introduce him to a nice young woman he has something in common with.  Their religion encourages them to marry so that's really all you have to do.  They're just people looking for love like the rest of us.

(Take a sip of water)

Q:  How about the Jackson brothers and their new reality TV Show?
A:  It must be hard to lose a loved one.  I certainly wish them success.

(Rim Shot!)

Q:  What happens when a Rabbi and a Priest disagree?
A:  In my experience they both benefit from learning about another man's point of view.  Sometimes it's good to hear differing opinions.

(Take another sip of water)

Q:  You know we lost Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze AND Michael Jackson this year.
A:  A terrible thing, far too young, all of them.

(Pause wait for laughter to die down)

Q:  What do you call Father's Day in Harlem?
A:  Father's Day.  It's a misconception, really, that holidays differ from region to region.  Country to Country, well, you've got a point, but region to region?  No.

(Rim Shot!)

Q:  What did the French woman say when she caught her husband cheating on her?
A:  Let's be honest, that would really differ from one woman to the next, but I imagine she'd be hurt.

(Take another sip of water)

Q:  How do Porcupines make love?
A:  Animals mate, naturally, but make love?  Ha ha, that's more of a human thing, don't you agree?

(Rim Shot!)

It's usually at this point that I'm asked to leave the stage by management.  I'll tell you, I know my stuff is edgy, but I guess I'm going to have to tone it down.  Nonetheless, I sure hope you got a chuckle out of my comedy and remember, no insult intended to any of my subjects.

Next blog I think I'll share with you my operatic interpretations of some of the greatest Heavy Metal classics out there.  Ironically, I'm having a tough time with that show too!  Go figure.  I'll probably have to tone THAT down too.  I'll tell you this.  It's hard to be at the forefront of raw.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Eat more, lose weight. Tighter Abs in less than a minute a day!

Oh My God!  You're reading this because you REALLY think I know how to give you tighter abs in less than a minute a day!  Have you never met me?  I'm the guy who's head is located 2 feet higher and 3 feet behind his stomach. What's wrong with you?!?!  You want tighter abs?  Get 'em the old fashioned way - buy a girdle!

I can't believe how easy it is to sucker you into reading these blogs!  Good Lord I could promise to teach you how to poop gold and you'd be... wait, never mind.  But I DO have a great idea for my next Blog title...

Okay, so what, then, IS the blog about, you wonder (in a tone I'm curiously able to hear and find just a little too uppity for my liking).  However, I DID trick you, so I guess I can forgive you, but next time let's leave the e-attitude in a different tab, shall we? 

Today the blog's topic is (drum roll please)... Fitness Commercials!  So the title's not toooooo far off after all.  Now aren't you ashamed to have doubted me?  No?  Well what about the shoes, surely you're ashamed of those?

Anyhooo, on with the blog.

Let's start with the spokespeople and work our way down.

- Who decided that putting a long haired wig and implants on a cadaver would convince me to buy their product?  Seriously, that's what all those women in their sports bras and lycra shorts look like.  And how do you make a cadaver appear more lifelike?  Color!  Yes, let's make sure they're tanned almost to well done.
God they repulse me, and yet, apparently that is the mass opinion these days of 'fit'.  Women are actually using that sickening image as their 'goal'.  Thank God most of them fail after the Abs Spinner (or whatever the stupid thing is called THIS week) arrives and promptly goes under the bed.  Right beside the Tush Push 3 Minute Body Twister.

- The guys are no better.  Why do they all smile the same way?  With those manic eyes?  And again with the tan.  Actually, they look just like their female counterparts but without the wig and sports bra, and oddly, their implants look bigger.

- I think the weirdest part of these commercials is the fact that they show someone uber-buffed using their 'revolutionary, new' doohicky that just came on the market last week.  What I'd really like to buy is what he used PRIOR to this product.

- Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons, Tony Little.  You know, if you spent as much time and money on eating as you do on their products, you could look like them in no time!

- Before and After pictures.  OMG!  You and I both know there's an AFTER the After picture.  Why don't they show us THAT one?!?!  I have never seen a 20 years later picture, but seriously, that's the one I want to see.

- All those people that are showed injuring their necks doing crunches before discovering the ease and comfort of the Abs Smart.  Weren't these the same people who injured their necks doing sit ups before discovering the ease and comfort of crunches?  I say we shoot 'em.  Put them out of their (and our) misery.

- Why do they keep stressing the 'in as little as 10 minutes, 3 times a week' theme?  We're watching their infomercial, obviously time is not an issue for us.

I say eat, laugh, enjoy life.  But you'll never see that in an infomercial until they can figure out how to charge you 3 easy payments of only $69.95 (plus shipping and handling) for it.  Sadly, we don't really need to worry, they will.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Neil Patrick Harris' Twitter war. This new millenium is really quite interesting


Remember I mentioned Neil Patrick Harris asking his followers to vote for him online as the Man of the Decade at Afterelton.com?  Well, John Barrowman in the UK did the same thing (he's in the contest too).  And now famous followers are asking their followers (which include MORE famous followers with MORE followers, and so on and so on) to do likewise and it's becoming a Twitter battle!!!  Of course, a fun one, but I'll be interested to see how many votes are cast.  I did vote for Neil by the way, like I said I probably would. If you want to follow the fun try http://tiny.cc/IhRGJ

FYI - Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog ROCKS!  But that's an aside.  The main point I wanted to make was how cool the internet can be when suddenly 2 people create a 2,000,000 people thing.  It's just for fun and laughs, but think what could be accomplished!  If instead of voting for 'Gay Celebrity of the Decade' we could actually raise money or start a movement for something essential, we could sincerely change our world.

I wish somehow we could combine the Internet age with the sixties sense of social change and really make the teens decade the one we look back on as THE ONE that changed the world.  In the sixties they really made a difference but they had no way of globally connecting voices.  Now we do, but we don't seem to have the naive belief in change anymore.

Let's be naive again!  Let's start reaching out and communicating in our new medium for more than what we're doing right now.  Let's, as a matter of course, raise questions, make suggestions for a better world, look for wrongs and ways to make 'em right.  Peace Love and Charity.  I don't think we're too old to give up on those childish dreams.  I think, rather, we're finally old enough to take those silly dreams and make 'em come true!

As an example, this site is the website for Food For The Poor
By mentioning it in a blog, hopefully someone will click on it, donate, mention it somewhere else online and so on.  They spend less than 4% on admin and the rest on the actual programs to help the disadvantaged in Latin America and the Caribbean.  They are a perfect example of how the web can make a HUGE difference.

I'm not saying that you need to visit the site OR donate, but why can't we as a routine, include chances for great change in our day to day use of the web?  That's where it's power lies you know.  Not in you, not in me, but in this exponential us that's been created.

If I sound crazily excited it's because I am!  You have, thanks to the internet, the possibility to change the world.  Yes, it's only a possibility, but that changes to probability if you keep trying.  Try it.  Think of something important like Food For The Poor and remember to include it when you're talking to the globe.  Ya just never know where your thoughts will travel.  We all might just be able to take back the future that the Eighties and Nineties made us think we'd lost.   Happy thinking and happy networking!

PS:  Don't forget to vote for Neil :-) (What?!?! We can't have fun AND change the world?)

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Stop, oh yeah, wait a minut Mr. Postman

I wonder if anyone is reading this crap?  Er, stuff.  Yeah that's it, stuff.  I'll tell you this, I don't sit down in my big comfy recliner, cigarette in one hand (I'm gonna miss that), coffee in the other and type my random, and admittedly bizarre thoughts on my cordless keyboard just to revel in my own thoughts people!  I do it for you, the public, the great unwashed (you may want to re-think that by the way) masses.

This blog is for you, the downtrodden, the indigent, the lacklustre cadre that is the world.  Others may look down their noses at your sad, pathetic and repetitive lives but not me!  I write crap, 'er stuff, (I'll get it right, it's just tough to remember) to lift you up from your squalor, take your minds off your pitiful, dirty existence without once being condescending to you.  Hundreds of times maybe, but never once!

And what thanks do I get?  Do I get any messages left for me saying things like, "Darren, great post!  I laughed so hard I scared the chickens that I keep in my kitchen!" or "Hey my man!  Excellent post!  It's because of you I told the admitting nurse that laughter really is the best medicine and I didn't need this goiter removed after all!" or "Wow, your post changed my life!  I'm going to petition our government to allow electricity in our village so I can get a computer and read what I'm talking about, or writing for that matter"?

No.  I get nothing.  Nada.  Kablooey.  Every day I hop on my over sized bicycle (the one with the big wicker basket on the handlebars) and ride through the village waving to the locals as I head to the Post Office.  Every day I say "Guten Taag Herr Ball, any posted comments for me today?" with an adorably innocent hopefulness in my eyes.  And every day, Herr Ball says sadly, "Nein mein leepchen. No post for you today.  Perhaps they forgot, yah?."  He looks sad as I leave his shop to wander through the farmer's market outside singing about my angst.  Then I pick up some meat at the butcher's (he looks and talks ALOT like Herr Ball - actually all the shopkeepers do), and go back home to the Von Trapp estate which I purchased for a song (no, literally) from this really freaky family.  Man you should have seen the dutchboy haircut on the mother.  And I'm not sure, but I THINK the children were wearing curtains.  Well, that's another blog.

Anyway, long story short (hmmmm, how about long story less long?) I feel like I'm just a lonely little voice out here in the electronic wilderness.  Will that stop me from prattling on?  No.  Will that, ironically, inspire me to double my efforts and improve my writing talent in the process, thus leading me to a spectacular new career in literature? Uh, no, probably not.  But it will give me one more piece of crap, 'er stuff to post and really, isn't that the most important thing?  Again, no, but for some reason I can't stop asking rhetorical questions and then, blatantly ignoring the 'rhetorical', answering them myself.  The truth is it's too early in the morning to call anyone to gab.  So there ya go.  Herr Ball, I hope you have some posted comments for your leepchen today!

Friday, January 1, 2010

No New Year's Resolutions for me... at least no new ones.

Well it's day one of 2010.  Do I have resolutions?  No.  Will I?  No.  Do I have hopes?  Yup.  I hope to quit smoking - the money I'll save is mind boggling.  But addictions are hard things to break permanently.  I've decided to give myself some incentive by joining a contest with quitnow.ca.  Wish me luck.  I've gotta admit, though, it's a little creepy in that if your name is drawn you have to be 'tested' to make sure you didn't sneak a smoke.  How many contests (outside sports and Urine Clubs) require you to pee to collect your prize?  Considering how insultingly smokers are treated these days by the self-righteous law-makers out there it's rather mild really.
I have to admit, I think the non-smoking bandwagon is truly offensive but that doesn't mean I like being addicted to anything.  I truly do want to quit for good.  I just pray I'm not one of those 'Yuk!  You smoke?' people if I succeed.  The odds are against me though, because it's always the reformed smoker who's the rudest.  If, and that's a big IF, I am successful, I'm going to re-read this post to hopefully remind me to keep my big mouth shut when I see a smoker.

So, I have two resolutions after saying I had none.  To TRY and break an addiction and to TRY not to be self-righteous if I'm lucky enough to do it.  Pray for me children, I'm embarking on a journey through the bowels of hell and I ain't likin' it - no sir.

Actually I've got another resolution.  To win a huge lottery this year.  It's time to hunker down and get serious about that one.  Really, how hard can it be?  I might even aim for 2.

I've been following people on Twitter.  I finally decided in December to give it a whirl.  Although I'm not that good at it yet, I've discovered something surprising.  Celebrities are every bit as annoying, plain, dull, and only occasionally interesting as the rest of us.
I know, I know, why shouldn't they be?  They're only human.  I don't think they SHOULD be brilliant 24/7, I'm just amazed to find out that I expected them to be.  It's nice to know they're only richer and perhaps more talented than me, but otherwise they're just as dull.  Bless you famous folks for making me feel better (except for the 'richer than me' part)


Here's a list of 'famies' I'm following and my opinion of their tweets:

Brent Spiner (actor):  Wow, major negativity.  He spent the last few days arguing with followers regarding how many people will be happy for 2010.  Seriously.  Suffice to say, he thinks very few.  Ever watch House?  That's Brent Spiner on Twitter.  Don't get me wrong, he's being funny and probably cool to know, but sometimes humor loses something in the upload and comes across as simply snotty. Hey, it happens to me all the time - you losers!

Kirstie Ally (actress):  The woman is perky.  No, make that MEGA PERKY.  She must issue a new tweet (that's a twitter message) every 4 minutes.  I don't know how she's battling a weight issue (but I wish her success!) because I've lost 15 pounds just keeping up with her tweets.  She's certainly entrepreneurial cause she's started Phitter - a Twitter-esque site for people trying to get, well, phit.  I like her, but she really needs to avoid caffeine.  Seriously Kirstie, perky is painful after awhile - at least to the ones being perked at.

William Shatner (actor):  'My Best, Bill' is at the end of every 140 character Tweet.  No one understands the subtlety of plasticization like Mr. Shatner.  Probably politic to do that, but my God, there is simply no sincerity in the 346th 'My Best, Bill".

Neil Patrick Harris (actor, secret crush):  How could I not follow him?  He's the Neil!  Anyway, he's just a normal guy who's Tweets are non-controversial, sometimes funny, sometimes self-serving (he tweeted for Sushi restaurant suggestions once, and another time asked for his followers to, if they felt like it, vote for him at some Top Ten Gay Celebrities contest sitey.)  I like that he's slightly tacky at times - there's no 'All My Best' coming from him, just good old fashioned honesty.  I may even vote for him. for that reason alone :-)

Wil Wheaton (actor, writer, comedian):  If there is any celebrity out there who is more like the majority of my friends, I don't know who it is.  This guy is goofy, dull, nerdy, madly in love with his wife and family, and really does tell us what he's doing right now, whether it's what he's writing, what he's reading, how pissed off he is at someone's rudeness, etc. (in fact he twittered just recently about an annoying saleman at his door).  You can't not like someone that real and open.  I admit, I only followed him cause I'm a bit of a Trekkie but I'm glad I did cause he turned out to be cool as Wil and who cares about Wesley? No offense to the actor of course.

Danny Masterson (actor):  I'll be damned.  He wasn't acting on That 70's Show.  That's him.  Just check his tweets if you don't believe me.


Corey Stratton (legend):  Don't know him?  Are you CRAZY?!?!  He's only the most talked about Karaoke/Wii performer out there!  He's the new buzz word in 2010.  His tweets are vicious, malodorous, dramatic, scathing and a whole bunch of other words I rarely use.  Too bad about getting kicked off Celebrity Sex Rehab, but hey, he had it coming.

Anyway, I stopped adding celebrities cause I figured the bunch I got right now aren't following me, so why bother adding any more? :-)  It's a great grouping though.  They're just people.  Good, Bad and Ugly.


My Best, Darren!

Postscript:  Twitter is really fun and less cluttered than Facebook (though I'm on that too), and if you haven't tried it... do.  It's amazing the new slang you'll pick up, like tweet, retweet, trends and of course, William Shatner (Seriously, HOW do you not love that man? HOW?!?!)