Friday, September 23, 2011

I'm just saying...

Why do people keep going on about Jacqueline Kennedy? It's not like she ever submitted anyone in the Octagon.  ...other than Gore Vidal, but who hasn't?

People who put down 'The Vagina Monologues' are just participating in a smear campaign.

Does no one remember when Fonzie donned a pair of Moccasins to dance with Joanie?! I'm sorry, but the shark jump pales in comparison.

Just want to be clear. Chaz Bono was criticized for going on 'Dancing With The Stars' because some people feel he's not really a man? Not the 'not really a star' thing? Or the 'not really a show worth watching' thing?

Amy Winehouse died. Oh, I know it's old news, but on the off chance any of her friends visited earth recently I just wanted to let them know too.

Anyone know how Papua New Guinea is doing these days? They've been pretty low key.

What with the breast implants, the svelte new body and the longer hair, I hardly recognized Matt Le Blanc in his new show 'Whitney', but there's no hiding that kind of talent.

I think Charlie Sheen said it best when he puked into his pillow. He should write a book.

Whenever I hear those kids singing 'Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?' all I hear is an Amber Alert gearing up.

Frankly I can't even picture a 'Ball Peeing Hammer' let alone want to buy one.

Hey does anyone else remember 'Groin Hair Cher' dolls? (am I spelling that right?)

At this point, if you want to stand out in the world of Rap, calling yourself 'Leonard' should work.

When did everyone start calling bird shit, 'fascinators'?

I understand their 'equal rights' argument but if we let women go topless, then 40 year old men are going to start demanding the same thing.

I can only assume 'Hewitt' is Gaelic for 'To Show Off Her Huge Knockers'.

I'm experienced enough to know that somewhere there's a repulsive little puke who's going to make me miss Justin Bieber.

Ironically I pray each night for help with my obsessive praying. So far no answer.

You don't want to know how many really disturbing sexual experiences had to take place for thousands of years for Gary Busey to exist to make it onto 'Celebrity Apprentice'.

Did you know a real princess can feel a pea under a stack of mattresses? Proving my point that they're all bitching unpleasable skanks.

It may not be appropriate, but I STILL think we should hold a 'He's Dead!' parade when Ashton Kutcher dies. Relax! We can have a black flowered float if you cry babies absolutely insist.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I call it a 'blog' so no one thinks I have Twitter Diarrhea... but I do.

"Tragic news today about the young woman who went missing 3 weeks ago. Her ship was found crashed on an deserted planet, and after an intense search, rescuers found both her and her eggs dead at the scene. Authorities are looking for an Alien reputed to be an earthing who has blood for acid. Police are asking the public to stay in their homes as they investigate this horrible scene of carnage. Becky Miller was 425." - Alien newscast

I've sent a form letter to all my creditors. It reads, "Dear creditor, in an effort to streamline my bill paying process, I've decided not to pay you anymore. If this is acceptable to you please respond with a letter stamped 'Past Due'. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter, yours truly, etc. etc."

With Oprah off the air, how am I going to know which celebrity is in denial now?

I have Fridays off, so I decided to go to Mcdonald's for breakfast. There was an uncountable number of overweight welfare recipients matched by an equal number of fit laborers in their coveralls.
I totally get 'Middle Child' syndrome now.

Divorce can be hard on children. That's why I feel so strongly that they shouldn't be allowed to marry until they're at least 12.

I don't like to disparage the dead, but I don't think that girl 'trained' her Killer Whale very well.

"OMG! NO WAY! But that's our PEE!" - Bee teenager learning about the birds and the humans.

Did anyone stop to think that maybe Gadhafi just needs a hug? I'll bet we could build a powerful machine that could do that at well over 1,000 pounds per square inch.
Hey, you don't know if you don't try, right?

I pity the day nurse when Jim Carrey gets Alzheimer's.

Why does every woman who gets cheek implants look like every other woman who gets cheek implants?
 (And a freak, but I don't think that part's a mystery.)

I'm going to share something very private with you, because I feel I can.
Every time a rock hits me in my chest, it breaks my heart.

I've already thought up a celebrity couple name for when Paris Hilton gets a new boyfriend!
'Dumb and Dumber'.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

THIS blog now comes with scrubbing bubbles!

"We've had a working theory on how untalented people can become successful for years, but we haven't published because there's a HUGE ongoing debate over whether to call it the the 'Jonas Brothers' or 'Taylor Swift' Principle." - Scientists

I'd like to write a tribute song for Elton John but it's like the man JUST WON'T DIE!!

I'll take this one Tea Baggers.
By blaming man for this supposed 'extreme weather' we're letting Satan off the hook! It's World War II all over again... yw.

So, guess who had the sexual experience of a lifetime last night? Nope, not me. Guess again.

I'm not a religious man, but lately I've been kneeling down to pray. I realize now, it's going to take Divine intervention to ease Jennifer Anniston off the stage.

Say what you want about Oprah, ...seriously.

 Whatever happened to 'working hard for an honest dollar'?! My dollars SAY they'll cover my bills, but they never do. Liars!

I assume people who spend the day at 'the Spa' don't understand how good binge drinking can feel.

Yeah, I got taken. 'Run for the Pedicure' should have been the tip off.

I've begun positioning myself for what's coming, by mentioning to people that for just 'pennies a day' they can already buy me a coffee.

Know what's fun? Yelling 'Shut up Fred!' at a Monster Truck Rally & then just sitting back to watch the fights.

Maybe I'm a musical 'purist' but it's all been shit since 'Green Sleeves'.

If they ever DO find intelligent life out in the cosmos, can we PLEASE give it a couple of days before hitting them with telemarketing?!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Too many tweets too little time (in solitary)

Prosecutor: "Sir, did you or did you not counsel the victim not to run, and indeed, say just prior to the stabbing, and I quote, 'This kind of trouble is lots of fun'?
(Court room erupts in shock)
Judge: "Order! Order! I will clear this courtroom if there are any further outbursts!"
Witness: "Sob! I was so sure he was going to pop a six..."

       The Hasboro Trial of the Century continues to rivet a nation.

 "I remember when Rock was young." - Elton John
"Right back at you, Elton." - Rock

"You don't just 'jump' into the movie business. It takes years and years of being pretty." - Orlando Bloom

I'll bet Jennifer Love Hewitt sees a LOT of her career these days. Hope she can get it to go into the light.

"There's a whole swath of Twilight Films that make us wish we COULD, though. Heh Heh." - Elephants.

Give Brad 10 more years and Brangelina will FINALLY have some kick ass tits.

I suppose my Ivy eating started because of a kid I knew. Really bad influence. Now I'm eating Ivy before my feet even hit the floor in the morning.

Whenever I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, I think 'There but for the grace of an inked TV deal'.

I'm not trying to 'start' anything with Cyndi Lauper, but anorexia, getting breast implants & marrying 98 year olds doesn't sound like fun to me.

I bet I spend anywhere from 3 to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week in the Jim. No, that's not a typo, he's HUGE & his intestine is like a maze! It's good clean... well, good fun.

The girl in my pinup poster keeps getting younger. This isn't going to end well for Betty White.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Boy Oh Boyhood Memories...

When I was a kid, a classmate, Billy Gates, & I both saw our teacher's brand new electric typewriter for the very first time. Almost in unison we said, 'Imagine what you could do with this if...'
We looked at each other and laughed, but we each knew we would have a major project, one that consumed our every waking moment, for that coming summer.
I don't know what his turned out to be, because he moved away, but by summer's end mine, with it's feathers, sequins & ribbons, was gorgeous!

"Nelson did it! Nelson did it!" Those words STILL haunt me. I was the one who had actually done it, but I was too afraid of my mother's wrath if the police talked to her. So, I blamed my shocked friend. He was older and I figured he could handle it better than me. And so it was he who was put in the back of that cop car while I rode off on my bike, my head bowed in shame.
We lost touch after that, so I don't know whether or not he caught hell from his mom, Mrs. Mandela.

Who ever forgets their first kiss? For me it seems like a lifetime ago, but the memory of it is still so vivid in my mind. I was just a wild eyed, mop haired boy with scabby knees and he was just a newly elected Pope, but that weekend we were more. Much more.

My mom once told me that air conditioners could cause Lou Gehrig's disease. I know that's crazy now, but I remember one summer years ago when my buddy Steve came to stay. He was one of those smart kids your mom always compares you too, 'Why can't you study more, like your friend Steve?' 'I'll bet Steve never talks back to his mother,' etc. She damned near drove me up the wall that visit and I determined to get even with him by keeping our air conditioner on the ENTIRE summer to give him the disease! Ha ha! We damned near
Wonder whatever happened to good old Hawking?

We didn't mean to kill him. It was an accident. We knew we shouldn't have been playing with her Dad's gun, but at that age you don't understand consequences.
He was a hobo and we figured no one would miss him if we just buried the body. I don't know why, maybe the adrenalin rush overwhelmed us, but we ended up making wild, passionate love, like animals, right after the gruesome deed.
I know I've never said anything about it before today, but I've always wondered if Queen Elizabeth II was able to keep her big mouth shut.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Some times I just NEED 141 characters

A quick recap for you on the news this year and then we'll begin.

Rich people had relationship problems and/or babies this year.

There was unrest in every country that had more poor people than middle class, except for China which doesn't have middle class (duh!).

The opposition party in every country disagreed vehemently with the ruling party's decisions.

Several irrelevant old people died and we all pretended they impacted our lives. Would have been far more poignant if we'd been able to spell their names right. Which reminds me, RIP Betty Fjord.

As always, that incorrigible imp Mohamar Gadhafi kept us laughing to forget our troubles. Love u Mo Mo!

We all got poorer AND an iPad!

Okay, I think you're up to speed. Now we can start.

First, please understand this is difficult for me. I have a shy keyboard and find it tough to type while you're watching. No no! I HAVE to get through this, I just want you to be aware... uh, my 'i's are up here by the way...

Don't blame the government for your tax woes, blame...
okay, okay, still working on this one but I hope to throw in Britney Spears for old time's sake (and it's not like she's busy).

SIR Mick Jagger?! I sincerely doubt he can lift a 15lb sword let alone ride a horse. If ever the Queen needed a wake up call about her heroin problem, huh? (By the way, that's an RT from the Pope's account, in case you thought I was stealing tweets.)

Saw an old SNL last night with Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson hosting. 'Dumb' is so much cuter when it's coupled with 'thin'. And by 'cuter' I mean 'more ignorable'.

I have this recurring nightmare that I am at a Justin Bieber at 50 concert. He's fine, but the audience jumping up and down, and the loose hair on the floor... Oh God! I'm cold sweating again.

When people tell me I'm so funny they laughed until they fell off their dinosaur, I think they're lying. I don't say anything, of course, but come on! Isn't it illegal to import those things now?

Every time something bad happens to Aretha Franklin I just want to give her a big hug.
But she's not exactly making it easy.

Apparently I'm 'Team Didn't Get Around To Watching Any Of The Vampire Movies And Can Live With.... See Next T-Shirt'. TDGATWAOFTVMACLWI RULES WOOOOOO!

"I know it seems like the end of the world now. But you'll find someone new and guess what? He'll be worth the wait." - what I like to write in teen girls' diaries after I break into their homes while the family's at a restaurant. I guess I'm just an old softy.

Why aren't OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony buying group Lottery Tickets together?!?! Crazy. Just crazy.

Can't get rid of those pesky last 50 pounds? Go to Wal-Mart.
You'll feel like a Super Model.

Here's a secret. The trendiest restaurant in town, isn't. You're just stupid.

I used to dream that I would grow up and become a world famous anything.
1 out of 2 aint bad, right?

I hardly think I'm going to date someone who looks like me. I deserve better than that.

Isn't it weird how accurate the 70 lb itch thing is? 7 years/70 lbs... potato/potawto

How bad is my home?! My Chia Pet hasn't come back.

Anyone notice how it's only the living that say Sharks have a bad reputation?

Of course I fear Polygamy. Look what the Osmonds did with only ONE wife!

People who love 'collections' are more than welcome to come look over my bills and take what they want. But PLEASE! The car payments and tickets are a set, don't ask me to break them up.

The recipe for a female superstar: Look like women THINK is sexy to a man but have a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a way of making the mundane things in life funny. OR, look sexy to a man. Boom you're done.

The recipe for a male superstar: Look sexy to a woman but have a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a way of making the mundane things in life funny. OR say something cool after you punch someone. Boom you're done.

Do the producers of 'Dancing With The Stars' even KNOW the median surface temperature of a star like our sun?! It's suicide!

Their tweets pretty much guarantee they won't ever have the chance, but it's still fun to read what all these guys on Twitter would do with a girl.

On a Justin Bieber scale where 1 Justin means 'Totally' and 10 Justins mean 'Totally, like FOREVER totally!' where would you rate yourself? - Just working on questions for my big Tiger Beat interview with Jaden Smith.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Royal Etiquette tips

Their Royal Highnesses the Duke and Ducky of Cambridge will be visiting Canada this July and Canadians are abuzz with excitement! But we're also stressed as women furiously shop for satellite dishes to slap on their foreheads and call a 'hat', men practice their curtsies, dominatrixes polish their red balls, heroin addicts stock up so they're not jonesing on the big day and all of us are on ebay trying to buy children to increase our chances that Prince William and Kate will take OUR flowers over someone else's. Oh, the preparations!

But all of it will be for not if we don't practice proper etiquette.  So, as a good Canadian I've decided to post online the definitive DO's and DON'T's list to help us get ready.

By the time you've memorized my advice you'll be ready to hold your own should you be invited to attend a Royal Dinner, a Royal Orgy, a Royal Crime Spree, or even just an informal Royal Slap and Tickle.


Remember, the Royal Couple are just people like you and me, so of course they enjoy a good butt squeeze. Don't be shy, they hate half-hearted attempts (who wouldn't?) so if you intend to cop a feel, do it with confidence! I've seen members of the Royal Family ask folks to 'do it again' when it's done right. Maybe this time it will be you!

The constant walk abouts tend to dry their faces out. You have no idea how much they appreciate a good spray on hot days. Words that start with 'P' and 'SH' are the preferred form of spraying but feel free to be creative.

Prince William did not go to the bother of marrying a sexy gal just so you'd ignore his accomplishment. Tell him how much you'd 'do her' if you had the chance. He'll appreciate the feedback.

The Royals are big on horses. The more you can imitate one, the more likely you are to win them over. And nothing farts like a horse. Show your Canadian pride and if you should be one of the fortunate ones that Kate speaks to, bend over and let rip! It will be sure to bring a smile to her face. Just be sure not to light it, which is frowned upon by most Royals (Prince Philip excluded).

Nothing is worse for a Royal than to say 'Knock Knock,' and have no one say 'Who's There?' It's just common sense people.

One of the main reasons the Royals visit other countries is to get a taste of international porn. Don't give them 'Cockney Cocks' or 'The Biggest Tits In Brighton', because they've probably already watched it. They want something new. Hint: S&M, Water Sports and Tranny stuff is never turned down by Their Royal Highnesses!


These kids may be Royal, but they're extremely busy. They don't have time to pursue you, so it is very appreciated if you simply drop your pants and bend over when spoken to.

The Royals (to a one) are very particular when it comes to breeding so it's always awkward when they have to return a child who's 'trashy'. And seriously, have you looked at your child lately?

Unless they're wearing their polka outfits, it's considered bad manners.

Like the Polka rule, it's okay if they're already oiled down and in speedos. But remember, Royals loathe tag team matches. And please remember to use a clean inflatable pool. Basically, with this one, just use common sense & you'll be fine.

They have enough insecurities.

It's always inappropriate. For example, Prince William loves to carry bananas in his pocket. Imagine his embarrassment at having to say he's not happy to see you.

He's not carrying those bananas for his health.

Okay, you're set. Get out there and meet and greet the Royals. Your mastery of Royal Etiquette will guarantee they never forget meeting you!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Wisdom isn't earned, it's stolen... Oh hey, that's good! Thanks Maya...

"Aaaaaanother Saturday night and I aint got nobodyyyyyy!"
Wait... that's been made into a song?

If I could ask Celine Dion only one question? Wow! That's a toughie.
Probably something like, "Could you go away now?"
Oooh! Does it have to be only one?!

As a fat man I like to rate things on a scale of 1 to 10 buckets of chicken. Sorry, I meant on a scale WITH 1 to 10 buckets of chicken.

Hey William Shatner. Pick a show and stick with it for God's sake!

I'm disappointed my candlelight vigil to protect bees from being exploited by the wax industry turned out to be so ironic.

Not one person from just 150 years ago is alive today. Try to remember that the next time you're feeling cocky.

Of course I know it's spelled Pilates. I just thought it was pronounced Potatoes.
FYI my course has been cancelled until further notice.

Whenever I hear the saying 'Every time God closes a door, he opens a window' I wonder why he doesn't just sit on the veranda.

I'd like to remind all you people who laugh at Justin Bieber that you laughed at Sean Cassidy too.
(You know, it sounded better in my head.)

I'm beginning to think saving all these 'Team Coco' shirts for my big Summer Flea Market wasn't such a good idea.

Hey, sourpuss. Remember a sideways frown emoticon is just a reverse sideways smile emoticon!
I gotta say, the internet is just KILLING 'annoyingly perky'!

It's true, a Crabapple a day keeps the doctor who should have retired years ago away.

Anyone else notice Maya Angelou's poem for Oprah was just the word 'Oprah' 100 times? And she STILL had to read it from a piece of paper!

I would never have encouraged Betty White if I'd thought she'd live this long.

I think it's wonderful that Prince William found a girl who loves him for himself.
Oh and look! A Unicorn!

What did you think 'A little less jaw and a little more booby' meant when he talked in his sleep Maria?!

We loved Julia Roberts in ONE movie. Just how in denial is Hollywood anyway?

When I was a child, my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be.
Yet still I'm a human!

I only have one rule when cooking. SLIDE the dollops of lard into the deep fryer because grease burns hurt like a summabitch and NO salad is worth that.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Caps Lock and Load!

Anyone else think iTunes should change the name 'Genius' to 'Nagging, Expensive, Spendaholic Wife'?

You have to feel for Lindsay Lohan. No seriously, the drugs have dulled her sense of feel that much.

Why do the media use phrases like 'corrupt regime' but not 'wet ocean'?

Congrats to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. My hope for them is that they have a life filled with happiness in which their every dream comes true. Basically, like yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that...

Mostly I don't buy panties. I just read the liners.

'Friday' and 'Baby, Baby, Baby, Oh!' are different songs right?

I love how Disney just passes over the fact that Simba is a polygamist.

As a gay man, I don't always agree with the Pope, but I gotta say, ROCKIN' HAT!

I don't think people who complain about Life being unfair understand that it's just a cereal. Get over it!

Rich people have the most influence and power. Do we really need to wonder why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer? Has NOBODY played Monopoly lately?!?!

Not sure what future generations will say about us, but I'll bet there will be an unspoken acknowledgement that I had a spectacular ass. And you know what? Maybe that's enough.

In my heart, I just know that even if he'd been ugly, Brad Pitt would have been a huge superstar.
Of course I also just know I'm big boned.

Yellow. That's the color of the sky in my world. (You KNOW you were wondering)

Sometimes I ponder the ramifications of ADD on a world that's already too... CLOUDS!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Lesser Known Historical Quotes

Of course, there are famous quotes throughout history. But what about the lesser known ones? Myself, I think we can learn a great deal from the reactions of people in the past to the less profound (or known) moments. The REAL meat and potatoes, if you will.

In fact, I, and my crack team of 700 operatives have spent the last 5 years unearthing the most astonishing (and some would argue, useless) quotes from history. This, we do for you. Feel free to express your thanks via credit card or money order. To quote Egypt's first known architect, Imhotep, "No cash please, it hasn't been invented yet."

See how relevant these quotes can be? So sit back, grab a coffee (or beer, if it's after 10am where you are) and be prepared to get a little bit smarter. You're welcome.


"After their blatant disregard for the entire process, the Von Trapps have been barred from future singing competitions." - Adolph Hitler (with the full support of the Vienna Idol panel).

"Oh God, here comes the town council! Take the vaseline, chicken carcass, torn panties and leather mask and hide behind the house! They've seen this damned kite with the key on it, so I'll stay and come up with some frickin' explanation. GO!" - Benjamin Franklin

"Sir, that's your 10th free sample. I'm going to have to ask you to either buy something or leave." Supermarket manager to Ghandi

"Okay be very careful, but I'm ready for the second knuckle. OW!! Back it up! Back it... no wait, okay, it's okay. Give me a second. Alright, now ask me to divulge secrets in a German accent." - Winston Churchill

"Yes son, I DO realize he could have built this Ark in the blink of an eye. Hand me another #%$#! plank and shut the @#&! up already!" - Noah

"Life is good. I'm getting a HUGE payout from Rome for my trouble and I'm going to bask on the beach forev... OH MY RA! NOBODY MOVE! It's an asp! I'll get it, but you all need to be VERY still. That includes you Parkinsonskamun!" - Cleopatra

"Your son will join the army. He'll achieve HUGE success before the age of 25 and be retired by 40. The world will remember him as the greatest Five Star General who has ever lived Mr. and Mrs. Sanders!" - Worst medium in history

"Of course you should buy that plane, John John. Remember, we're Kennedys, nothing happens to us." - Ted during another jag.

"My grade 12 education tells me I should be fine as Monarch. As long as I take good care to raise my puppies, all will be well. Hmmm? Oh, yes. Ha ha, I mean babies." - Elizabeth II

"Oh no. I FINALLY get a chance to rid the world of Mary Todd Lincoln and my eye twitch starts acting up again. Luck don't fail me now!" - John Wilkes Booth

"It's simple Ahmed. If, and that's a big if, Gadhafi turns out to be a mistake, we vote him out at the NEXT election. Now come on, let's go vote." - All Libyans Not Named Ahmed.

"A NINE?! Are you serious?! Listen, Suki, at that point, how well we've built these Nuclear Reactors will be the LEAST of our problems. A nine. PFFFFTTTT! Does anyone have any REALISTIC concerns?" - Head architect of the new Fukushima Daiichi Reactor project.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Global Wealth... or is that Global poverty?

I did a little Saturday morning figuring and let's just say it's ruined my mood. Do you have any idea how poor you are? And how you got that way? I think the following calculations make for some sober thinking. Keep in mind, I"m ballparking everything, but the numbers are pretty close to the mark (check it out yourself by doing a little research). It's mind boggling and, quite frankly, a sign that evil DOES exist in this world. It's called greed.

These are the present numbers for global wealth (approx):

200,000,000,000,000 dollars. That's 200 Trillion estimated total wealth to be distributed in the world.

7,000,000,000 people. 7 Billion people SHOULD be able to enjoy 200 Trillion, no?

But these numbers are so HUGE it's tough to really see the whole picture.

So, let's reduce it accurately to something we can wrap our minds around by dividing everything by 1 billion:
7 people.
Nice and simple.

200,000 dollars is divided between 7 people in the following manner:

How it IS (based on 2010 global wealth calculations by world population):
6 people have less than $10.00 each (but let's be generous and say an even 10):

                                                              =               $60.00 (92% of pop)
1 person has $199,940.00                      =      $199,940.00 (Millionaires & Billionaires are about 8% of pop, so frighteningly, this number is probably HIGHER)

Yes, those numbers are relatively accurate. The top 2% of the world's population control 50% of the wealth, so I assure you the next 6% take the rest. Aint life grand? Now remind me WHY 92% of us are asked to donate to disaster relief by the 8% who could actually make a difference, but don't?

How it SHOULD be:
7 people have $28,571.43 EACH!

Why it won't be:
That one person, that one greedy, selfish son of a bitch, is AMAZING at convincing us other 6 that if we try REALLY hard, we too can earn the 199,940.00 he's got (as if somehow he'll let it go, OR we'll invent more money). And WE BELIEVE HIM! (btw 'HIM' means the richies out there)

Until we, the other 6, wise up we will ALWAYS be poor. They don't have a right to that money. They used it to pass laws that help them keep it. Stop buying iPads and iPhones and other distractions and start DEMANDING that the rich pay taxes that are fair and that prices be lowered on EVERY product out there so that they aren't stealing what's left of our $60.00 anymore.

FYI These rich assholes are NOT creating jobs, they're creating slaves. BIG difference.

Man, after this eye opener, I need a coffee... that the guy who picked the beans made 1 cent on and the assholes who do nothing, made 8.00 on. I see I'm STILL part of the problem, and so it goes...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Well now, THAT'S a thought...

It's probably just a genetic throw back to when we were all hunters, but sometimes I like to stalk my bucket of chicken before I pounce.

If you applaud Whitney Houston and Charlie Sheen for being clean, you're probably not.

It was bittersweet really, when I sat on Pinocchio's face and he told me I was sexy.

Why do some names go out of fashion? Like Nostradamus or Rumpelstiltskin?

Laugh all you want at my Penis' contact lense. YOU didn't go through childhood being called 'Four Skin'!

I don't get the phrase 'comfort food'. For me, that's like 'wet water'.

One does NOT disobey a direct order from the Queen of England, but one was still frightfully uncomfortable slapping her ass that hard while pulling her hair.

I need to find 10 cats to cough up hairballs on my head before the big Reggae festival or I'll look like an absolute fool!

We get it. People are gross. What else have you got to teach us Learning Channel?

Who's got 'Drug Store' in the 'What Justin Bieber Breaks Into On His 20th Birthday' pool? You lucky bastard!

If you can raed tihs, yroue dsyxeilc. Turst me.

Tom Cruise. Stop. You had us at Bat.

I think the least BP can do is send Charlie Sheen a Thank You Basket.

Is it too late to say 'That OJ is as guilty as sin'? Damn it.

Some women have an eternal beauty. I said 'SOME' Elizabeth Taylor, sit the hell back down.

JFK Jr. had it all. Looks, money, power and more, but then tragically died while flying his personal jet to Martha's Vineyard.
Tee hee!

I only hope I can look as good as Joan Rivers when I'M 400 in monster years.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

SOMEBODY has to say it!

The proper seasoning can be the difference between 'okay' and 'great' food sex.

It's nice to see the homeless finally using their mental illnesses to make money. Charlie, Lindsay, Mel, et al. Congrats!

A part of me is relieved I didn't get an invite to the Royal Wedding. I just don't have the energy to go diamond hat shopping again.

I spent a fortune planning the big 41st anniversary party for Gadhafi. Hey Libya, what part of  'non-returnable deposit' don't you get?!?!

That "Life doesn't just hand you everything" talk didn't go as well as Martin Sheen had hoped.

"When two elephants wrestle, it's the grass that loses. So you're saying I'm useless? Nice." - Referee.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat." - know-it-all Cat Skinner.

"We've got to rethink the 'pout' strategy. Maybe play up the Anorexia angle." - Brangelina's PR firm fighting back against Charlie Sheen's media blitz.

Okay, so I read the ad wrong. The point is, I don't think I should have to pay to have my nipples un-tucked.

I'm really surprised that the Middle East hasn't calmed down now that the iPad 2 is out. What's it going to take to please these people?

Hey, remember when it was the shows, not the actors, that jumped the shark?

"A little Meth, some paper and a pen and you'd be blown away at the shit I come up with." - Maya Angelou

Charlie Sheen has inspired drug addicts everywhere to demand double welfare.

"Somehow, our message is being lost in today's world events." - Potato industry

I don't mind the alien probes, it's the eye contact that's awkward.

I've got one goal, and one goal only. To die on the toilet. The rest is just fluff.