Friday, January 8, 2010

Darren - the unadulterated version

Tid bits about me.  See if you can spot the real from the not so real.  I certainly can't.

I'm balding.  That's the awkward stage between bald and 'worth cutting'.

I'm 47 but feel 25... until I get out of a chair, then I feel 68.

I actually know someone who won 30,000,000.00!!!!!  But, sadly, not well enough to get anything as a gift. sigh.

I'm 5'9" and weigh 185 lbs - but only in real life.  Online I'm 6'1" and weigh 190 lbs.  AND I'm tired of being treated like a piece of meat!  I have brains too ya know!

I don't actually have brains.

I believe in love, but not as much as I love being single.  Thank GOD I'm 5'4" and weigh 320 lbs - keeps that topic at bay!

I'm actually 4'5" and weigh 588 lbs.

I lie about my looks - but only in blogs, online dating sites and real life.

I was fired from my job as Julia Robert's stand in because I was 'too pretty'.

I have never eaten cheese on purpose - hate the stuff.

When I order a hamburger I ask for it to be 'plain, nothing on it, no cheese.'

When I get the hamburger I ordered it always has cheese, and the server always says, "Oh, just the bun and burger?  Really?"

I have always, make that ALWAYS had a problem with stalkers.  For some reason, some strangers take an instant like to me and won't let it go.

One year I let every call go to voicemail and (seriously - was before Caller ID)  after gaining the courage to live normally again, I picked up the phone after a FULL YEAR and it was the stalker calling!!!!  I finally told him to stop stop stop in the clearest and rudest terms I could and after 2 more months, he finally did.  I'll never avoid passively again.

I'm SO glad I'm 47 and balding now, I think that will ease up the stalker issues (if I ever go out again :-))

I LOVE HDTV!!!  How did I live without it?

Only 1 book has ever 'grabbed' me in the first paragraph.  Brokeback Mountain.  I love to read, and am usually hooked by the second page, but Brokeback Mountain really was by the second paragraph.

Favorite documentary is Alone In The Wilderness.  Absolutely the coolest story EVER!

I have never met someone who made me laugh that I didn't love fully.  Except that Clown who cheated on me!  I'll never forgive Mr. Buggles. NEVER!

I sometimes find it tiring having a first and last name that need to be spelled out for everyone and everything.  No one ever asks Bob Smith, "How do you spell that?"

I'm pretty sure it's obvious at this point, but I love what I call 'free typing'.  Just thinking and typing as I go.  Probably annoying to read, but what the hell?  I'm even more annoying in real life and it doesn't stop the stalkers, why let it stop you?  Oh, wait... unless you're a stalker too, and then, stop, stop, stop!  Seriously, STOP NOW!!!


  1. I promise you that I'm not a stalker, but I just find it weird that you've left your curtains open in your bedroom, and why are you still up at this hour. Oh and one other thing. 'Free typing'? Is that what you call endless hours of boardroom meetings with a few dozen of North America's top comedy writers to come up with your jokes? WOW!!!


    Thanks for your ^SELECT, 1THOUGHTFUL 2FUNNY 3COMPLIMENTARY^ comment. I don't ordinarily reply to comments but when I saw that is was you, &COMMENT NAME&, I KNEW I had to respond. You, obviously rate! Ha Ha. Seriously, though, &COMMENT NAME& I consider you to be ^SELECT, 1A CLOSE FRIEND 2A DANGER TO THE PUBLIC 3AN IMPORTANT FAN 4MY MOTHER^ and so I'm writing to thank you.
    Keep up the ^SELECT, 1WITTY CRITIQUES 2REMDIAL READING 3IDOL WORSHIP^ and we'll see ya online! Darren