Saturday, April 17, 2010

Messages To Consider Delivering If We're Ever Under Alien Attack

Invading Species!!  You can have Lithuania, Belgium, Nepal and Chile, but please leave the rest of us alone!

Attention unidentified Aliens. Piss off!  This is OUR neck of the woods.  Now go on, git!

Warning!  Earth is presently under quarantine for an extremely viral, airborne sexually transmitted disease.  Descent through our atmosphere inadvisable at this time!  (We should probably use yellow strobe lights at different places too.  OH!  And some kind of siren!!)

Beware of Dog!

We got guns you Alien sons of bitches!

Attention Aliens.  Please stand by as we transport up a few Billionaires who always wanted to go into space.  We will consider a cease fire, if you take them and go!

Invading Force.  Before you invade you MUST declare your position on abortion.  Don't worry, whatever your answer is, half of earth will support you.  Of course, the other half will be your worst nightmare!

Message for Aliens orbitting Earth.  There is a 4 million Quatloo fee for orbitting.  Please remit payment before proceeding to invade.

Hey, shitheads!  Tony 'Da Gooch' Tannini don't appreciate your disrespectin' his planet.  Yeah, it's his fuckin' planet, yous got a problem wit dat?!?!  Hey!  Fat Eddie!  Dey got a problem wit dat.  Paint 'em a picture!

To Alien visitors.  Sigourney Weaver was just foolin' with you.  You can have the kid.

Warning!  Humans fart.  A LOT!  Try Alpha Centauri, we hear THEY'RE very civilized and ripe for the picking.

Attention Invasion Force.  Earth is now represented by Johnny Cochrane.  Now unless you want to be intergalactically sued up whatever orifice represents your Wazoo, you'd better back off now!

Unidentified Aliens.  Please prepare to be boarded by Acting General, Judge Judy!

Attention Aliens!  We know why you're here and we understand.  You can find Joyce DeWitt at 122, 1203 Windermere Road, Picton, Iowa.  Don't tell her we told you.  Please, forgive us, we had no idea Three's Company transmitted THAT far into the galaxy and we're very, very sorry.

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