Thursday, December 31, 2009

Monetize monetize monetize

So I'm trying something new.  Becoming a money grubbing pig.  I think it's a look that'll work for me.
How it works (or so I think) is that I mention some item I use or saw and provide a link in the blog to Amazon relating to said product.  Let's try scooba.  See the picture?  That's actually what I own.

I don't mind this idea really (you'll notice I also have ads all over the place - not sure if I like that, though) because it's VERY convenient if it's something I love and wish to share.  Which, ironically, the Scooba absolutely is.  This nifty little gadget washes my floors for me while I watch TV.  How can you NOT love that?!?!

Anyway, this product placement blog is a test.  If I offend any of my 2 faithful readers I apologize, but I'm 47 and running out of time to make my first million.... thousand?... hundred?  Okay, I'm trying to stay homed instead of homeless, but you get the idea.

I'll keep you informed if it's a great scheme or not.  Hopefully it won't be long until I'm simply too grand to take any of your calls!  Aren't you excited?!?!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Do something worthwhile, blog... decisions, decisions

I can't be the only one who, year after year, thinks this is the year the Queen of England's bosom is finally going to touch her knees.  Wait, my therapist assures me I can.  Never mind.

Do you suppose snakes ever look at spiders and think, "EIGHT legs!?!?  UnFUCKINGbelievable!! Thanks for the fairness God!"

Timothy DeWitt, PHD MBA, Svetlana DeWitt, LLD, BA, Fred DeWitt, CFO Save The Children Foundation.  Let's just say Joyce doesn't get too uppity at Thanksgiving.

Why do we remember Rudyard Kipling by his full name?  Seriously, would we really ever say 'I'm sorry, you've lost me.  Which Rudyard do you mean?'

How come we always tsk tsk old women who die and had over 200 cats but no one EVER says a word about a dead farmer who had over 200 cows?!?! Hypocrites!!

Worst financial move ever? Brian Dunkleman bowing out after the first year of American Idol.  Owtch!  I'll give him this, though, he's always very focussed and polite at the Walmart entrance.

Big thanks to Madonna for showing us that sexy, outrageous and 20 turns out to be unpleasant and disturbing without the 20.

The truth as only I can tell it - no, seriously. Don't you roll your eyes at me!!!

I stopped using the word 'dollop' when Tammy Fay Bakker died.

Every time a john leaves $50.00 on the table for me, I die a little inside.  Or at least I would

... if I were a sensitive person ... or a hooker ... or owned a table.

Too bad  really, I could use the $50.00. 

I don't judge others - unless I feel like it.  That's just  a rule I live by.

I wish I had enough money to buy my own private island!  And THEN I wish I could sell it for twice what I paid!

I've noticed you can either be amazing in bed or amazing to talk to, but never both.  I just feel really sorry for the ones who are neither.  Maybe they're amazing to make model airplanes with... who knows?

Before you judge Prince William I suggest you walk a mile in his shoes!  No, seriously, those supple, hand-tooled $7,500.00 a pair Polo Boots are like wrapping a piece of heaven around your feet!

Like the rest of the world, I'm looking forward to the day Paris Hilton gets fat  Will she disappear like Liz Taylor or try to disguise it with cleverly draped two piece ensembles like Liza Minelli?  Talk about your win/win scenario...

Legendary Hollywood men still working: Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro
Legendary Hollywood women still working: Pam Anderson
Well, that's revealing... and don't you dare say Meryl Streep!!!!  You KNOW that's just to muddy the water and keep us in ignorance.  Well played straight men, well played.

Anyone else growing tired of the word 'extreme' being attached to every boring sport these days?

Can anyone name 10 athletes from the last Olympics?  And if so, let's hope there's a rehab for that.

The power of money?  You can name your daughter 'Ivanka' and no one laughs.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Where are they now?

Yosemite Sam 1994 Hallmark Ornament QX5346Yosemite Sam in happier days

The cancellation of The Bugs Bunny Road Runner Show hit Yosemite Sam hard. "He was typecathththed ththththomething terrible," his former co-star, Sylvester told the Hollywood Reporter, "He tried to act like it didn't bother him, but we all knew he was devathththtated."

Things looked like they might turn around when he won the lead in "Silence of the Lambs" but an old leg injury acquired during a classic skit on the Bugs Bunny Show where he played a Shiek with a difficult Camel, reared it's ugly head.

"He was sidelined son, sidelined for 2 months and the producers couldn't wait. They went with Anthony Hopkins instead and Sam never, I say, he never recovered," said an obviously emotional Foghorn Leghorn, during a break at his Vegas Review Show, "When Tony won the Oscar, waaaal, that just about, I say, that just about done him in.  I mean Yosemite is one of the greatest character actors of our generation, are y'all listenin' to me son?  Who else could play a Klondike miner, a sheik, a cowboy, a devious schemer trying to woo a rich widow, with such conviction?  And there he sat watching Tony take what was his, I say his." 

On Tuesday, November 26th, 1999, he was found face down in an alley in Cincinnati, Ohio where he had gone to open up a Dinner Theater with his good friend Willie Ames. According to police he had overdosed on Black Tar Heroin. Yosemite Sam was 56. "I'll be watching for you in heaven, you sassafrassin' no good son of a mule ijit." wrote Bugs Bunny in his online blog. No good son of a mule ijit, indeed.

A Flintstones Christmas CarolThe cast of The Flintstones in one of the rare promotional appearances in the later years.
Beloved by millions of children, star of a hit TV sitcom, and millionaire by the age of 23, Barnaby Edward Rubble appeared to have it all. Yet there was a dark side to this charming and effervescent actor that very few people knew.
"Oh he could be vicious," said Fred Flintstone on a recent Oprah airing, "I don't want to speak badly about Barn, but there were days. One time, Gazoo called him a 'Dum dum', which was IN THE SCRIPT, but Barn heard something in his tone and he just lost it. It took 5 guys on the crew to pull him off. Hoo boy! Gazoo was badly hurt and his agent wanted to take him off the show right then and there if they didn't fire Barney. In the end everyone apologized to everyone and Gazoo stayed, but the set was never really the same. It's a shame, because Gazoo was the sweetest guy. He'd give you the helmet off his green head if you needed it. But after Barn wailed on him that day, he just kept to his trailer between takes, most of us did, really. Of course by then, Wilma was coked out all the time, Betty was in that crazy assed affair with Bam Bam and Pebbles was doing everything possible to leave the show and get into film."

A spokesperson for Gazoo claimed later that, "Mr. Gazoo does not recall the incident Mr. Flintstone was referring to and wishes nothing but the best for Mr. Rubble."

Archie Modern Jughead BustForsythe P. Jones
"Some genius I am!" exclaimed Dilton Doiley when he heard that his old pal Jughead Jones had come out of the closet, "I mean, HOW did I miss that?!?!" From what we understand, he shouldn't be too hard on himself, as no one seemed to notice Jughead's unnaturally close relationship with 'girl crazy' Archie Andrews. "The thing about Archie," Mr. Jones once said to Barbara Walters, "He's got a real charm that the ladies love. Couple that with an incredible ass, and it's not surprising that Betty and Veronica are always fighting over him. Don't believe me? Check him coming out of the water at Riverdale Beach sometime. Hummanah!!"

The statement caused a small sensation at the time, but Mr. Jones was able to brush it off and blame his overdependance on Vicodin for his 'crazy rants'. It was a dependance that was to cost him his job as drummer for the incredibly popular band, "The Archies".

Surprisingly silent during most of the coming out scandal was Jughead's 'nemesis' Reggie Mantle. "I have no comment," was his ONLY comment during the crisis. Rumor had it that Jughead and Reggie were in fact more 'friends' than 'enemies' and that Reggie was terrified that Jughead might 'blab'. Though no one has gone on record to confirm this rumor, it's interesting to note, that when asked about it, Archie Andrews said, "You know, it's hard enough to find love, why do we have to judge these guys? Reggie and Jug are good friends of mine and I support them both in this difficult transition period." When asked what he meant by that, his handlers declared the interview over.

Ty Scooby DooBefore the dizzying descent into madness.
Scooby Dooby Doo, Where are you? Would you believe the Wentworth Hospital for the Criminally Insane? It's true. After years of playing a loveably inept and easily spooked dog who solved dastardly crimes, Richard Alvarez 'Scooby' Parker-Doo was arrested by the San Bernadino Police Department when they discovered nearly 20 decomposing bodies under his house while attending a domestic abuse call.

"It was chilling," said Lieutenant Mike Jones who was one of the police on the scene, "And definitely surreal. I mean us guys were all excited to be at Scooby Frickin' Doo's house and suddenly one of us goes, 'Hey, you smell that?' And we all were like, 'yeah, whew! How can you miss it?' We went to the basement and the bodies were just piled up. And the weirdest thing that sticks with me is how blank his expression was as we started uncovering all these corpses. He just kept saying, 'I'm rorry. Ro Rorry.' I'll never forget it."

Scooby hired famed celebrity attorney Johnny Cochrane who managed to help him avoid any jail time with an impressive Insanity defense that had America on the edge of it's seat during the 'Rial of the Rentury' as it was called.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Hey! I Just Thought Of Somethin'

You know I just can't get that damned Alamo out of my head. I hope Texas is happy now.

What is so wrong about never that late gets all the kudos?!?!

Sometime in the past, someone, somewhere actually said something like, "Damned if I know, let's just call it a polyp."

At least I hope so, that's way better than its having been 'discovered' by Alexander Dumont Montague Polyp III.

The earth is traveling through space at 67,000 miles per hour. Technically we're all astronauts on the most incredible spaceship to ever exist... so where's my #%^$@ paycheque NASA?!?!?!

It's commonplace now, but in our past someone was the first to decide to drink what was coming out of a cow's udder. WTF was HIS problem?!?! I'll say this though, he was obviously a spectacular salesman - he talked everyone else into trying it, and here we are today just chugging the stuff. Thank God he died only hours BEFORE his plan to sample Hippopotamus urine.

Couldn't the Queen of England get by with just ONE 3,000,000 sq ft Palace? I'm only askin' cause I'm pretty sure the homeless could.

People who go on Reality shows must have the greatest bosses.

I think that we, as a people, need to seriously re-vamp some of our sayings. Does anyone really relate to 'Till the cows come home' anymore? What about 'Crying wolf'? I mean seriously, when was the last time you EVER heard the call 'Wolf! Wolf!' and went running to see if you could help? I could give more examples but why flog a dead horse?

The Catholic Church demands that all their priests swear off sex for life and then wonder why they all turn out to be sexual deviants. Who else would agree to THAT job requirement BUT people who agree sex is bad and have the history to prove it?

Gotta hand it to whoever invented Popcorn... neat trick!

My condolences to whoever tried to invent Poppotatoes. Good try though.

Darren's vote for best invention of all time? Flush toilets. Seriously, how great is HDTV if I've got to run to the outhouse during a commercial?

Other than correcting disfigurements, there is absolutely no need for plastic surgery, EVER. Which must be why it's a multi-billion dollar industry.

Is there a legal limit to how big a G-string can be? Because there really should be...

Diana, Princess of Wales, John F. Kennedy Jr., Elvis, Mother Theresa, Michael Jackson... dead. Me? Still kickin' baby! I could win this thing yet!