Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Eat more, lose weight. Tighter Abs in less than a minute a day!

Oh My God!  You're reading this because you REALLY think I know how to give you tighter abs in less than a minute a day!  Have you never met me?  I'm the guy who's head is located 2 feet higher and 3 feet behind his stomach. What's wrong with you?!?!  You want tighter abs?  Get 'em the old fashioned way - buy a girdle!

I can't believe how easy it is to sucker you into reading these blogs!  Good Lord I could promise to teach you how to poop gold and you'd be... wait, never mind.  But I DO have a great idea for my next Blog title...

Okay, so what, then, IS the blog about, you wonder (in a tone I'm curiously able to hear and find just a little too uppity for my liking).  However, I DID trick you, so I guess I can forgive you, but next time let's leave the e-attitude in a different tab, shall we? 

Today the blog's topic is (drum roll please)... Fitness Commercials!  So the title's not toooooo far off after all.  Now aren't you ashamed to have doubted me?  No?  Well what about the shoes, surely you're ashamed of those?

Anyhooo, on with the blog.

Let's start with the spokespeople and work our way down.

- Who decided that putting a long haired wig and implants on a cadaver would convince me to buy their product?  Seriously, that's what all those women in their sports bras and lycra shorts look like.  And how do you make a cadaver appear more lifelike?  Color!  Yes, let's make sure they're tanned almost to well done.
God they repulse me, and yet, apparently that is the mass opinion these days of 'fit'.  Women are actually using that sickening image as their 'goal'.  Thank God most of them fail after the Abs Spinner (or whatever the stupid thing is called THIS week) arrives and promptly goes under the bed.  Right beside the Tush Push 3 Minute Body Twister.

- The guys are no better.  Why do they all smile the same way?  With those manic eyes?  And again with the tan.  Actually, they look just like their female counterparts but without the wig and sports bra, and oddly, their implants look bigger.

- I think the weirdest part of these commercials is the fact that they show someone uber-buffed using their 'revolutionary, new' doohicky that just came on the market last week.  What I'd really like to buy is what he used PRIOR to this product.

- Jenny Craig, Richard Simmons, Tony Little.  You know, if you spent as much time and money on eating as you do on their products, you could look like them in no time!

- Before and After pictures.  OMG!  You and I both know there's an AFTER the After picture.  Why don't they show us THAT one?!?!  I have never seen a 20 years later picture, but seriously, that's the one I want to see.

- All those people that are showed injuring their necks doing crunches before discovering the ease and comfort of the Abs Smart.  Weren't these the same people who injured their necks doing sit ups before discovering the ease and comfort of crunches?  I say we shoot 'em.  Put them out of their (and our) misery.

- Why do they keep stressing the 'in as little as 10 minutes, 3 times a week' theme?  We're watching their infomercial, obviously time is not an issue for us.

I say eat, laugh, enjoy life.  But you'll never see that in an infomercial until they can figure out how to charge you 3 easy payments of only $69.95 (plus shipping and handling) for it.  Sadly, we don't really need to worry, they will.

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