I've been working on my stand up routine. Those of you who know me, know that I love nothing more than to bring a smile to the face of a drunk with a chip on his shoulder.
But lately, I've been having trouble with my material. I'm going to share it with you because I'm worried that maybe the punchlines pack too much sting and I'd love to hear your opinons. I sure hope I'm not being crass but I think they're very topical and dead on. Frankly, I'm at a loss but believe it or not (and you won't once you read this top notch routine) the clubs are pretty quiet during my set.
Q: What do you call an Irishman with too many children?
A: Blessed. I think we can all agree that children are a gift.
(Pause, wait for laughter to die down)
Q: How can you tell when you're in a lesbian bar?
A: There's no easy answer to that because many lesbians are as nondescript as straight women. Really, it's a misnomer to think you can 'spot' one and actually quite offensive.
Q: How do you get a Mormon to settle down?
A: Introduce him to a nice young woman he has something in common with. Their religion encourages them to marry so that's really all you have to do. They're just people looking for love like the rest of us.
(Take a sip of water)
Q: How about the Jackson brothers and their new reality TV Show?
A: It must be hard to lose a loved one. I certainly wish them success.
Q: What happens when a Rabbi and a Priest disagree?
A: In my experience they both benefit from learning about another man's point of view. Sometimes it's good to hear differing opinions.
(Take another sip of water)
Q: You know we lost Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze AND Michael Jackson this year.
A: A terrible thing, far too young, all of them.
(Pause wait for laughter to die down)
Q: What do you call Father's Day in Harlem?
A: Father's Day. It's a misconception, really, that holidays differ from region to region. Country to Country, well, you've got a point, but region to region? No.
Q: What did the French woman say when she caught her husband cheating on her?
A: Let's be honest, that would really differ from one woman to the next, but I imagine she'd be hurt.
(Take another sip of water)
Q: How do Porcupines make love?
A: Animals mate, naturally, but make love? Ha ha, that's more of a human thing, don't you agree?
It's usually at this point that I'm asked to leave the stage by management. I'll tell you, I know my stuff is edgy, but I guess I'm going to have to tone it down. Nonetheless, I sure hope you got a chuckle out of my comedy and remember, no insult intended to any of my subjects.
Next blog I think I'll share with you my operatic interpretations of some of the greatest Heavy Metal classics out there. Ironically, I'm having a tough time with that show too! Go figure. I'll probably have to tone THAT down too. I'll tell you this. It's hard to be at the forefront of raw.