Saturday, March 27, 2010

Blurbs - From the Best Of Collection

I have a library's worth of material I've written.  Most of the stuff are 600 to 1200 page masterpieces.  I don't feel like typing out any of them in their entirety but here are some snippets I've pulled out for your enjoyment.  I think you'll find them intoxicatingly addictive.  If you must have more, e-mail me and I'll give you the appropriate dewey decimal point designation so you can rent the WHOLE book at your local library.  Kiss kiss.

The Slowening:

Sensing danger, Jake turned his head the only way he knew how, with his neck.

Tish and the Time Machine:

Nick wondered if he'd ever seen such a tough as nails, stunningly beautiful paleobiologist.  Maybe once or twice before, but while they may have been tough as nails and stunningly beautiful, THIS one was a woman!  He shifted the oozi over his shoulder and smiled.

Ultra Woman Returns:

Having dropped the crooks off at the local police station, Ultra Woman flew back to Buckingham Palace to face the day again as Queen.

The Curious Case of the Twin Killers: A Mortimer Mantle Mystery

Mortimer's jaw dropped.  He rubbed his eyes trying to comprehend what he had just seen.  Had the man he'd been following on the street only moments before really just turned into a drugstore?  He felt reality disappear beneath his feet.

Will I Never Find Love?:

Michelle rolled over and looked at Michael, still fast asleep.  Why did our names have to be so similar, she wondered.  No way we can make this thing work.  She wiped a single tear from her eye.

Big Yellow:

Professor J.J. Pimpleton stopped dead in his tracks.  There before him towering 16 stories high was an impossibility.  A Jurassic version of today's yellow canary.  And it was about to sing!  He desperately signalled to Vera to stop playing the Accordian.  Jesus!  She was going to get them all killed.

Insulin - The Hunger:

Sweat poured down his forehead as he nervously jabbed the needle into his arm.  He looked away from the dead eyed stares of the other diabetics as he did his thing.  Sugar was his constant enemy now.

Tell Beulah I Said 'Hello Beulah':

Jeremy stopped.  That vase wasn't there before, he was sure of it!  Had someone in the last 3 years been in this room and put the vase there?  He eyed the maid who went about her dusting.  Nice vase, but still, what was it doing on that table?  Then another thought struck him like a thunderbolt.  Is it VAWS or VASE?  His mind reeled.

Land Line IV:

The phone rang for a fourth time and Jeremy reached out a trembling hand.  "Hello?" he asked.  But it was too late, they'd hung up.  'Why'd I wait FOUR rings instead of THREE?!?!' he screamed to no one in particular.

The Magnificent Martins:

The Martins had lived in this part of Virginia for over 15 generations and they STILL couldn't figure out why.
Underachievers sure, but could that be the only reason?


  1. You are truly the Sanjaya of the literary World! At least a few of those are instant classics. Particularly Big Yellow, well at least accordion to me. (See what I did there? Never mind. Move along.)

  2. Yes, I saw what you did, you completely misspelled 'according'. I've said it before and I'll say it again, what's the use of trying to master comedy if you can't even master spell cheek? You know what would have been funny though? If you'd MEANT to say accordion, because I used that word in the Big Yellow story... OHHHHHHH! Wait I think I get it now. Ha ha ha ha. That was a malapolyp wasn't it?

  3. Well I'm pretty sure Vera would have found it funny. Of course she's dead now and Big Yellow got put down as a result.