Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My brain fell in the forest but nobody was there to hear it...

Is it wrong to wish for a world at peace AND I get laid all the time? I mean seriously, why can't I get laid? I brought world peace for Christ's sake!!!! FINE!! FORGET IT! Get your own world peace you selfish bastards.

As far as I'm concerned magnet manufacturers should be bending over any time the fridge industry asks.

It takes a village to raise a child but do WE see any part of the welfare cheque? NOOOOOO!

Way I see it, if you're not part of the solution, you're the contact lens. There.  I've said it. Do with it what you will.

The Tampon industry is ignoring a huge demographic by excluding men. We have orifices too ya know!

It's true. Quitters never win and winners never let you forget.

I don't care what anyone says. Nope, wasn't starting a thought, that's it.

It seems to me that ALL mastectomies are 'radical'.

I walked into the party with way more fluid grace than that baby's showing, OMG! NOW he's using the coffee table for balance while I'm standing here effortlessly! Where are MY 'oohs' and 'awwws'? Fucking babies!

How come no one's invented Meat Cake yet?

I'd like to think that when I die, I'll sit on God's right hand side and, together, we'll make fun of all the loser angels.

When you realize that there is just no opportunity to fart all day long, the Queen of England's typical facial expression makes total sense.

There's no problem in this world that can't be eased with a little denial.

When people say that money doesn't buy happiness I think they forget that poverty doesn't either.

Postdictions - Predicting the Past with Uncanny Ackuracy

Some time in the late 60's a beautiful starlet will become a star. I can't quite make her out but she's got big breasts. OMG! I'm seeing the same thing for the 70's, 80's and 90's!

Queen Victoria is going to pass away. It will shock the nation who thought she'd been dead already for at least 40 years.

A new dance craze will sweep the USA. WAIT! There's more! I see tap shoes and a man associated with stairs, maybe it's his name. YES! YES! I see it, watch for someone named Fred Stepperton.

This next one is very murky. I see President Kennedy. I see his head. It's moving back and forth. Now I see a hole. It's frightening, I can only see darkness, what looks like a grassy knole, and... Oh My God!!!! The President of the United States will have like a MILLION affairs! Total Perv!

Hold on! I'm getting the letter P. Now an I. That one looks like a G. I'm not sure but my vision tells me that several different women will find success as a singer named Madonna.

I'm not sure what I'm seeing here. I appear to be under water. There's some sort of black tarry like substance spewing out into the frigid depths.  It's massive!  It's filthy. It's a hit sitcom starring someone named Roseanne.

What's this? I see a baby. It's surrounded by men bearing gifts. They bring to this baby all the wealth of the world. Yes, I see it clearly now. The Hilton's have a baby girl! I can't see her future, but I'm sure she'll be a Godsend.

I see a ragged woman. She has no wealth or status.  She's holding a child. She's helping the poor. The homeless. The hungry. But that's not the important thing. No. She's standing beside Princess Diana!!!! OMG! She is sooooo pretty! Diana!! Over here!!! Diana!! AAAIEEEE!!! She looked!! She looked!!

America witnesses perhaps the greatest tragedy ever perpetrated on it's home soil. It's monstrous, unimaginable. All I see are the vacant stares of the hundreds of people exiting Kevin Costner's 'Waterworld'. No! I can't go on!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Self important blathering. Nothing to see here, move along...

Richer people ask poorer people to donate generously to the poorest people and THEN deduct their expenses from the donations. I suspect richer people chuckle a lot.

Why do we always rally round to re-build someone's home that was destroyed but never rally round people who never had a home to be destroyed in the first place? < I know, terrible sentence, but still a valid question.

Being rich and having a beautiful wife isn't something to be proud of. That's like being proud of getting wet when it rains. Ditto being beautiful and having a rich husband.

Using nature to support a moral argument is just plain stupid. Animals don't give a rat's ass about morals.

Why doesn't anyone ever want to meet the person who WROTE the beautiful song instead of the person who only sang it?

Weddings are like moves. Your friends and family WILL be there, but that doesn't mean they want to be, so it's nice if you can ply them with booze after.

How come no one calls being left handed a 'lifestyle choice'?

The only people who ask if something makes them look fat, know they aren't yet.

Why do people think being single is lonely but being in a loveless marriage isn't?

If God really exists and really made Man in his image, he must be pretty gassy.

Who told women that a fat lip is a sexy look? Those 'beestung' lips they're paying for are truly gruesome.

You know the only reason you should get married? If you both have FUN together doing nothing. FUN. No other reason is remotely good enough.

Pound for pound, the hornet has to be the toughest sumbitch on the planet. Too bad they're so ugly. That's right hornets, I'm calling you out!

Hey pets! What's with all the dander?!?!