Thursday, March 10, 2011

Well now, THAT'S a thought...

It's probably just a genetic throw back to when we were all hunters, but sometimes I like to stalk my bucket of chicken before I pounce.

If you applaud Whitney Houston and Charlie Sheen for being clean, you're probably not.

It was bittersweet really, when I sat on Pinocchio's face and he told me I was sexy.

Why do some names go out of fashion? Like Nostradamus or Rumpelstiltskin?

Laugh all you want at my Penis' contact lense. YOU didn't go through childhood being called 'Four Skin'!

I don't get the phrase 'comfort food'. For me, that's like 'wet water'.

One does NOT disobey a direct order from the Queen of England, but one was still frightfully uncomfortable slapping her ass that hard while pulling her hair.

I need to find 10 cats to cough up hairballs on my head before the big Reggae festival or I'll look like an absolute fool!

We get it. People are gross. What else have you got to teach us Learning Channel?

Who's got 'Drug Store' in the 'What Justin Bieber Breaks Into On His 20th Birthday' pool? You lucky bastard!

If you can raed tihs, yroue dsyxeilc. Turst me.

Tom Cruise. Stop. You had us at Bat.

I think the least BP can do is send Charlie Sheen a Thank You Basket.

Is it too late to say 'That OJ is as guilty as sin'? Damn it.

Some women have an eternal beauty. I said 'SOME' Elizabeth Taylor, sit the hell back down.

JFK Jr. had it all. Looks, money, power and more, but then tragically died while flying his personal jet to Martha's Vineyard.
Tee hee!

I only hope I can look as good as Joan Rivers when I'M 400 in monster years.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

SOMEBODY has to say it!

The proper seasoning can be the difference between 'okay' and 'great' food sex.

It's nice to see the homeless finally using their mental illnesses to make money. Charlie, Lindsay, Mel, et al. Congrats!

A part of me is relieved I didn't get an invite to the Royal Wedding. I just don't have the energy to go diamond hat shopping again.

I spent a fortune planning the big 41st anniversary party for Gadhafi. Hey Libya, what part of  'non-returnable deposit' don't you get?!?!

That "Life doesn't just hand you everything" talk didn't go as well as Martin Sheen had hoped.

"When two elephants wrestle, it's the grass that loses. So you're saying I'm useless? Nice." - Referee.

"There's more than one way to skin a cat." - know-it-all Cat Skinner.

"We've got to rethink the 'pout' strategy. Maybe play up the Anorexia angle." - Brangelina's PR firm fighting back against Charlie Sheen's media blitz.

Okay, so I read the ad wrong. The point is, I don't think I should have to pay to have my nipples un-tucked.

I'm really surprised that the Middle East hasn't calmed down now that the iPad 2 is out. What's it going to take to please these people?

Hey, remember when it was the shows, not the actors, that jumped the shark?

"A little Meth, some paper and a pen and you'd be blown away at the shit I come up with." - Maya Angelou

Charlie Sheen has inspired drug addicts everywhere to demand double welfare.

"Somehow, our message is being lost in today's world events." - Potato industry

I don't mind the alien probes, it's the eye contact that's awkward.

I've got one goal, and one goal only. To die on the toilet. The rest is just fluff.