Saturday, February 18, 2012

Live Tweets From A Funeral - Ironic, No?

You know, The Reverend Al Sharpton live tweeting from Whitney Houston's funeral isn't as crass as some people (and by 'some', I mean all) may think. I did it myself, during Elvis' funeral - of course, back then, only a few select people were aware of Twitter (John Wayne, Me, the Rat Pack, and Streisand)  - and I think it was cathartic.

I'd like to share those tweets with you all now, because I think they're as relevant today as they were the day 'E' (I called him 'E', we were close - Wellll, not 'F' close, just 'E' close) died. I hope they are as healing for your hearts as they were for the fourteen of us on Twitter back then. Please remember, this was us at a raw time, there's no editing for viewers. Just real. Damned real.

@bcdarr: Am I the only one who thinks Priscilla's lips could use some plumping? The music's nice though.

RT @ShirleyMacLaine: "These pews are killing my ass!" ~ Ha Ha! Bitch!

@bcdarr: I hear Michael Jackson's got a new movie coming out. 'The Wiz'. Why doesn't he just quit while he's ahead? His time has come and gone, now it's just getting embarrassing. Hey, @Sinatra! Can I get a what what?!

@Sinatra: @bcdarr - You are one far out cat. Was that even English?

 RT @SDavisJr: Sha Boing Boing Boing!

@bcdarr: How long is this thing?

RT @DonRickles: "Quit playing with it!" ~ see my reply to @ShirleyMacLaine... bitch.

@bcdarr: I'm just guessing, but counting his entire entourage I think there's just over an acre of sideburns here.

RT @JoeyBishop: "Who's up for going to Star Wars again? Man, that show was outta sight!" ~ I'm in!

@bcdarr: Was offered the lead in a show called 'Dallas' that's airing next year, but it's about this bad guy in the oil business, so I turned it down. (Shoot me now!) They've given it to the guy from "I Dream Of Jeanie" instead, no lie! I'm laughing out loud over that (wish there was a more efficient way to write that).

RT @FarrahFawcett: "When is Rex Humbard going to shut up? It's enough to make me use Coke, and you know how against THAT I am. (Rolling On Floor Laughing)" - Ha Ha. You bad.

@bcdarr: A little off topic, but that Jimmy Carter is going to be a 2 termer. Mark my words!

RT @Sinatra: "Fuck Scorsese!" - It was FIVE years ago, boss, let it go. You need a pill that chills you out. A chill pill, so to speak. Hey! That's kinda catchy!

@bcdarr: Anyone else think Ann Margaret looks old?

RT @DonRickles: "Is the orgy still on at MacLaine's?" - Not if you're getting naked! (You can't tell, but I'm Laughing My Ass Off)

Well, it kinda got dirty from there, so I'll stop here, but I hope it helped heal the wounds of today, you know, for those of you who are wounded.

I'd forgotten how innocent everything was back then. Did you know that we were all FavStar Board Leaders then? Good times. I remember Sammy telling me after the funeral that he wished he had a book with all of our faces in it. The man was a prophet, I tell you. A prophet. (except he was going to call it Book of Faces and put it to music, but still....)

We all went our separate ways after that and truthfully I never saw any of them again. I assume they're all doing well, especially Frank, but who knows? Anyhoo, I have to run, I'm scheduled to give a CNN interview defending Al Sharpton's CNN interview, and we're having trouble getting my entire entourage into the studios (something about a 'guest limit'). I leave you with Elvis' last words to me, 'Toodles' (which would be soooo much cooler if that had been a title of one of his songs. But it wasn't, he was just really gay at the end.)

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Importance of Being Prepared: Eulogy Edition

As you can imagine, the media started calling me almost immediately after we lost Whitney to get my reaction. Like the rest of us, I was unprepared for the news and I think my quotes were rather slipshod. I still cringe when they play my CNN quote,
'What Aretha said goes double for me... but please, Lord Jesus, in half the time."
Or my MSNBC snippet, 'Get ready Heaven, here come the runs!"

I don't care what my scale says, I'm only one man! And I can make mistakes. So, in order for this to never happen again, I've prepared my 'surprised comments' for most of my Hollywood friends so that I will never again have to say to Piers Brosnan, "Who the hell are you? Put Larry on!"

Below are my 'from the heart, first gut reactions' to news that we've lost another of my dear Hollywood friends far too soon... you know, eventually.

I hope it brings a tear to your eye as much as it did to my staff who cried like babies over each one (except that one guy who didn't and I fired).

Bless you all, and enjoy...

Either Olson Twin:

"OMG! No! Which one? Not the less psychotic one. Oh Dear God, PLEASE not the less psychotic one! I'm sorry, I'm too devastated to listen to your answer."

Aretha Franklin:

"I blame the Ham industry for this. Have we learned NOTHING since we lost Mama Cass?! Hmmm? Yes, I'll be singing the tribute, but not from her catalog. I prefer Stevie Wonder. Goodbye my Aretha, you will forever be Ebony and Ivory to me."

Corey Haim:

"Seriously? HOW many years ago? Wow."

Queen Elizabeth II:

"I prefer to remember her back when she was just a struggling Princess with big dreams."

Joan Rivers:

"She brought laughter to millions. I remember peeing my pants after her twenty third surgery."

Janet Jackson:

"NO! Not Janice too!?! Janet. Whatever."

Mariah Carey:

"Oops I've got another call, can you hold?"

Sir Paul McCartney:

"He showed us all how to thwart Satan by selling your soul here on earth. Rest In Peace, you dear, ugly man."

 Donald Trump:

"People lining up to pee on his corpse is rather distasteful. But let me be clear here! I'm only guessing about the taste."

Betty White:


Dolly Parton and/or Kenny Rogers:

"Their music will live forever, much like their skin."

Lisa Marie Presley:

She proved, rather eloquently I think, what I said at her Dad's funeral. There will never be another like him."

Bebe or Cece Winans:

"My thoughts are with Dede through Zeze at this devastating time."

Paris Hilton:

"I hope all the haters out there are happy now! Cause I sure am."

Kim Kardashian:

"I see her as an Angel now. All those feathers, and the back hair... no, it's too horrible to contemplate."

Oprah Winfrey:

"My heart is too full to say anything other than what my dear friend Maya Angelou has already said, 'Strength', followed by the single word 'Oprah' 187 times for some reason. Yeah. I think they did 'it'."

Carly Simon:

"I'm waiting for a Pizza delivery & can't tie up the line."

Maury Povitch:

"I have proof in this envelope that the man in that casket is NOT the corpse!"

Paula Deen:

"Even without her feet, she really bloated up there at the end."

Any American Idol:


Brad Pitt:

"I'm reminded of his immortal words... uh... well he must have... his wisdom lives o.. seriously? He said NOTHING? Wow. We lost an amazingly expensive male prostitute."