Saturday, July 31, 2010

Coffee thoughts

I'm not one of those people who obsess over bladder control. In fact, I actively encourage my bladder to explore it's creative side without interfering in it's journey of discovery.

Whenever someone starts a sentence with 'I'm sorry, but...', they never are.

People are always making fun of the South by implying they're stupid.  I'm sorry, but anyone who invents putting a hot dog on a stick and deep frying it, is a genius in my books.  (See what I did there? I'm not really sorry.)

I realize that I can be a bitter Betty but I don't think it's me when I get tired of hearing about Brangelina.

Every time I hear the argument that a woman has the right to dress any way she wants without having to fear being raped, I know I"m supposed to agree and intellectually I do. But I can't help hearing, 'A Zebra has the right to be as lame as it wants on the Savannah without having to fear being attacked by a Lion.'

Maybe the Universe is some unfathomable fetus. If so, the Big Bang Theory just got hilariously appropriate.

Condoms have expiry dates. I had no idea they were edible.

I have never heard of anyone who can give themselves a raise, giving themselves a pay cut. EVER.

I HAVE, however, heard of folks who can give OTHER people a raise, giving them a pay cut...

When it comes to the Twilight films I'm Team Sweet Jesus Give It A Rest.

I think I can help Big Business. Attracting someone who's greedy and willing to rape your company for every penny they can before leaving it a sad, wheezing husk of what it once was, is not actually attracting 'talent'. At least not the right kind.

For all you do gooders who say that big breasts don't matter, just think how much more good Mother Theresa could have done if she'd had a nice rack.

I fear that the digital age has all but destroyed the pencil industry.  Whole towns are going under in Pencilvania.

Here's a simple rule of thumb. If it's on your hand, but it's not a finger...

I can't believe Bette Davis won't respond to any of my tweets. I mean, I'm her biggest fan and she's just ignoring me. Say what now? Dead? Well, alright, maybe not her BIGGEST fan. RIP Bette Davis.

I dream of a world where people listen to my dreams with interest rather than rolling their eyes all the time. Okay! THERE! Just like that!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Mel Gibson's possible explanations

With all the drama of the Oksana and Mel tapes being leaked on the internet, the one thing that's been overlooked is, we haven't heard from Mel Gibson about these conversations.  We know nothing of the context, or the underlying issues at the time these calls were made.  Maybe there's a logical explanation we haven't heard yet.

And in that vein I'm happy to provide some possible explanations that Mel could be offering up in the near future.  I've come up with a few and I think the odds are really good we'll be seeing one or more of them on Entertainment Tonight sometime soon. You're welcome. Enjoy the spoilers...

1)  Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening.  First let me explain to you all that I'm a big Fred Travolina fan (have you heard him do me? Oh! Ha! Ha! Of course you have.) and though he's lost it, I don't apologize for taking him in and looking after him during his medical crisis. The shocking thing is that Oksana knew we were having trouble keeping him off the phone. I can't believe she'd leak her conversations with him.  What a FUCKING CUNT!!!!!! WHAT?!?! I HATE HER!! (PANT!) I DON'T WANT HER!! (PANT! PANT!) HER BOOBS MAKE HER LOOK..."

2)  Hee! Hee! Me say boo boo! Me adorable. Me forgiven?

3)  Yes I've heard the leaked tapes and like the rest of the civilized world I was horrified by what came out! I didn't pay Steve Jobs $700.00 for the iPhone 4 to have my side of the conversation sound so scratchy. Rest assured my lawyers will be contacting Apple.

4)  It's all a misunderstanding. Please! If you'll just let me explain. What I meant to say was, "Hi Oksana, s'new?" Now if you're a Jew, naturally you're going to put a bad spin on my way of saying that... that's what Jews do, they try to make you look anti-semitic, profane, psycho, and all racist. Kooky fact: did you know they started all the wars in the world? Anyhoo, can we please move on to discussing my new movie "If OJ was a Jew who did it"?

5)  This'll all blow over. You'll see. Hey! Who wants to see my naked bum again?!?

6)  It's all that fucking Joe Pesci's fault. The dumb shit put cinnamon on my Meth. I'm allergic to cinnamon... and sanity.

7)  Me? Racist? Come ooooon!!! Coooome ooooon!!!! I mean, cooooooooooome oooooooooooooon!!!!
Okay, fuck you all.

8)  I've got $600 million. My looks are shot. NO ONE wants to see my films anymore. I can't even find someone under 40 to have an affair with.  Really, if ever there was a time for me to go all batshit, you know? Guys, AMIRITE?!?!

9)  I realize some of you are shocked by the revelations of my demeanor on those tapes. I just want to set the record straight by saying I built a church on my property, divorced my wife while professing to be an Uber Catholic and already ranted after a DUI about Jews and 'sugar tits' and all. Seriously, it's not like you couldn't see this coming. In a way this is more your fault than mine.

10)  What part of "I need my child and a maid' don't you FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?!? Okay, fine, for the rest of this press conference you can direct all your questions to my attorney, Lindsay Lohan. Get up here bitch! I GOT YOU OUT OF FUCKIN' JAIL. YOU OWE ME!!!! WHA?!?! WHA?!? HOW DARE YOU?!?! YOU FUCKIN" WHORE!!! Okay, Tom, in the third row, did you have a question?