Sunday, July 31, 2011

THIS blog now comes with scrubbing bubbles!

"We've had a working theory on how untalented people can become successful for years, but we haven't published because there's a HUGE ongoing debate over whether to call it the the 'Jonas Brothers' or 'Taylor Swift' Principle." - Scientists

I'd like to write a tribute song for Elton John but it's like the man JUST WON'T DIE!!

I'll take this one Tea Baggers.
By blaming man for this supposed 'extreme weather' we're letting Satan off the hook! It's World War II all over again... yw.

So, guess who had the sexual experience of a lifetime last night? Nope, not me. Guess again.

I'm not a religious man, but lately I've been kneeling down to pray. I realize now, it's going to take Divine intervention to ease Jennifer Anniston off the stage.

Say what you want about Oprah, ...seriously.

 Whatever happened to 'working hard for an honest dollar'?! My dollars SAY they'll cover my bills, but they never do. Liars!

I assume people who spend the day at 'the Spa' don't understand how good binge drinking can feel.

Yeah, I got taken. 'Run for the Pedicure' should have been the tip off.

I've begun positioning myself for what's coming, by mentioning to people that for just 'pennies a day' they can already buy me a coffee.

Know what's fun? Yelling 'Shut up Fred!' at a Monster Truck Rally & then just sitting back to watch the fights.

Maybe I'm a musical 'purist' but it's all been shit since 'Green Sleeves'.

If they ever DO find intelligent life out in the cosmos, can we PLEASE give it a couple of days before hitting them with telemarketing?!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Too many tweets too little time (in solitary)

Prosecutor: "Sir, did you or did you not counsel the victim not to run, and indeed, say just prior to the stabbing, and I quote, 'This kind of trouble is lots of fun'?
(Court room erupts in shock)
Judge: "Order! Order! I will clear this courtroom if there are any further outbursts!"
Witness: "Sob! I was so sure he was going to pop a six..."

       The Hasboro Trial of the Century continues to rivet a nation.

 "I remember when Rock was young." - Elton John
"Right back at you, Elton." - Rock

"You don't just 'jump' into the movie business. It takes years and years of being pretty." - Orlando Bloom

I'll bet Jennifer Love Hewitt sees a LOT of her career these days. Hope she can get it to go into the light.

"There's a whole swath of Twilight Films that make us wish we COULD, though. Heh Heh." - Elephants.

Give Brad 10 more years and Brangelina will FINALLY have some kick ass tits.

I suppose my Ivy eating started because of a kid I knew. Really bad influence. Now I'm eating Ivy before my feet even hit the floor in the morning.

Whenever I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, I think 'There but for the grace of an inked TV deal'.

I'm not trying to 'start' anything with Cyndi Lauper, but anorexia, getting breast implants & marrying 98 year olds doesn't sound like fun to me.

I bet I spend anywhere from 3 to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week in the Jim. No, that's not a typo, he's HUGE & his intestine is like a maze! It's good clean... well, good fun.

The girl in my pinup poster keeps getting younger. This isn't going to end well for Betty White.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Boy Oh Boyhood Memories...

When I was a kid, a classmate, Billy Gates, & I both saw our teacher's brand new electric typewriter for the very first time. Almost in unison we said, 'Imagine what you could do with this if...'
We looked at each other and laughed, but we each knew we would have a major project, one that consumed our every waking moment, for that coming summer.
I don't know what his turned out to be, because he moved away, but by summer's end mine, with it's feathers, sequins & ribbons, was gorgeous!

"Nelson did it! Nelson did it!" Those words STILL haunt me. I was the one who had actually done it, but I was too afraid of my mother's wrath if the police talked to her. So, I blamed my shocked friend. He was older and I figured he could handle it better than me. And so it was he who was put in the back of that cop car while I rode off on my bike, my head bowed in shame.
We lost touch after that, so I don't know whether or not he caught hell from his mom, Mrs. Mandela.

Who ever forgets their first kiss? For me it seems like a lifetime ago, but the memory of it is still so vivid in my mind. I was just a wild eyed, mop haired boy with scabby knees and he was just a newly elected Pope, but that weekend we were more. Much more.

My mom once told me that air conditioners could cause Lou Gehrig's disease. I know that's crazy now, but I remember one summer years ago when my buddy Steve came to stay. He was one of those smart kids your mom always compares you too, 'Why can't you study more, like your friend Steve?' 'I'll bet Steve never talks back to his mother,' etc. She damned near drove me up the wall that visit and I determined to get even with him by keeping our air conditioner on the ENTIRE summer to give him the disease! Ha ha! We damned near
Wonder whatever happened to good old Hawking?

We didn't mean to kill him. It was an accident. We knew we shouldn't have been playing with her Dad's gun, but at that age you don't understand consequences.
He was a hobo and we figured no one would miss him if we just buried the body. I don't know why, maybe the adrenalin rush overwhelmed us, but we ended up making wild, passionate love, like animals, right after the gruesome deed.
I know I've never said anything about it before today, but I've always wondered if Queen Elizabeth II was able to keep her big mouth shut.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Some times I just NEED 141 characters

A quick recap for you on the news this year and then we'll begin.

Rich people had relationship problems and/or babies this year.

There was unrest in every country that had more poor people than middle class, except for China which doesn't have middle class (duh!).

The opposition party in every country disagreed vehemently with the ruling party's decisions.

Several irrelevant old people died and we all pretended they impacted our lives. Would have been far more poignant if we'd been able to spell their names right. Which reminds me, RIP Betty Fjord.

As always, that incorrigible imp Mohamar Gadhafi kept us laughing to forget our troubles. Love u Mo Mo!

We all got poorer AND an iPad!

Okay, I think you're up to speed. Now we can start.

First, please understand this is difficult for me. I have a shy keyboard and find it tough to type while you're watching. No no! I HAVE to get through this, I just want you to be aware... uh, my 'i's are up here by the way...

Don't blame the government for your tax woes, blame...
okay, okay, still working on this one but I hope to throw in Britney Spears for old time's sake (and it's not like she's busy).

SIR Mick Jagger?! I sincerely doubt he can lift a 15lb sword let alone ride a horse. If ever the Queen needed a wake up call about her heroin problem, huh? (By the way, that's an RT from the Pope's account, in case you thought I was stealing tweets.)

Saw an old SNL last night with Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson hosting. 'Dumb' is so much cuter when it's coupled with 'thin'. And by 'cuter' I mean 'more ignorable'.

I have this recurring nightmare that I am at a Justin Bieber at 50 concert. He's fine, but the audience jumping up and down, and the loose hair on the floor... Oh God! I'm cold sweating again.

When people tell me I'm so funny they laughed until they fell off their dinosaur, I think they're lying. I don't say anything, of course, but come on! Isn't it illegal to import those things now?

Every time something bad happens to Aretha Franklin I just want to give her a big hug.
But she's not exactly making it easy.

Apparently I'm 'Team Didn't Get Around To Watching Any Of The Vampire Movies And Can Live With.... See Next T-Shirt'. TDGATWAOFTVMACLWI RULES WOOOOOO!

"I know it seems like the end of the world now. But you'll find someone new and guess what? He'll be worth the wait." - what I like to write in teen girls' diaries after I break into their homes while the family's at a restaurant. I guess I'm just an old softy.

Why aren't OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony buying group Lottery Tickets together?!?! Crazy. Just crazy.

Can't get rid of those pesky last 50 pounds? Go to Wal-Mart.
You'll feel like a Super Model.

Here's a secret. The trendiest restaurant in town, isn't. You're just stupid.

I used to dream that I would grow up and become a world famous anything.
1 out of 2 aint bad, right?

I hardly think I'm going to date someone who looks like me. I deserve better than that.

Isn't it weird how accurate the 70 lb itch thing is? 7 years/70 lbs... potato/potawto

How bad is my home?! My Chia Pet hasn't come back.

Anyone notice how it's only the living that say Sharks have a bad reputation?

Of course I fear Polygamy. Look what the Osmonds did with only ONE wife!

People who love 'collections' are more than welcome to come look over my bills and take what they want. But PLEASE! The car payments and tickets are a set, don't ask me to break them up.

The recipe for a female superstar: Look like women THINK is sexy to a man but have a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a way of making the mundane things in life funny. OR, look sexy to a man. Boom you're done.

The recipe for a male superstar: Look sexy to a woman but have a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a way of making the mundane things in life funny. OR say something cool after you punch someone. Boom you're done.

Do the producers of 'Dancing With The Stars' even KNOW the median surface temperature of a star like our sun?! It's suicide!

Their tweets pretty much guarantee they won't ever have the chance, but it's still fun to read what all these guys on Twitter would do with a girl.

On a Justin Bieber scale where 1 Justin means 'Totally' and 10 Justins mean 'Totally, like FOREVER totally!' where would you rate yourself? - Just working on questions for my big Tiger Beat interview with Jaden Smith.