Saturday, July 31, 2010

Coffee thoughts

I'm not one of those people who obsess over bladder control. In fact, I actively encourage my bladder to explore it's creative side without interfering in it's journey of discovery.

Whenever someone starts a sentence with 'I'm sorry, but...', they never are.

People are always making fun of the South by implying they're stupid.  I'm sorry, but anyone who invents putting a hot dog on a stick and deep frying it, is a genius in my books.  (See what I did there? I'm not really sorry.)

I realize that I can be a bitter Betty but I don't think it's me when I get tired of hearing about Brangelina.

Every time I hear the argument that a woman has the right to dress any way she wants without having to fear being raped, I know I"m supposed to agree and intellectually I do. But I can't help hearing, 'A Zebra has the right to be as lame as it wants on the Savannah without having to fear being attacked by a Lion.'

Maybe the Universe is some unfathomable fetus. If so, the Big Bang Theory just got hilariously appropriate.

Condoms have expiry dates. I had no idea they were edible.

I have never heard of anyone who can give themselves a raise, giving themselves a pay cut. EVER.

I HAVE, however, heard of folks who can give OTHER people a raise, giving them a pay cut...

When it comes to the Twilight films I'm Team Sweet Jesus Give It A Rest.

I think I can help Big Business. Attracting someone who's greedy and willing to rape your company for every penny they can before leaving it a sad, wheezing husk of what it once was, is not actually attracting 'talent'. At least not the right kind.

For all you do gooders who say that big breasts don't matter, just think how much more good Mother Theresa could have done if she'd had a nice rack.

I fear that the digital age has all but destroyed the pencil industry.  Whole towns are going under in Pencilvania.

Here's a simple rule of thumb. If it's on your hand, but it's not a finger...

I can't believe Bette Davis won't respond to any of my tweets. I mean, I'm her biggest fan and she's just ignoring me. Say what now? Dead? Well, alright, maybe not her BIGGEST fan. RIP Bette Davis.

I dream of a world where people listen to my dreams with interest rather than rolling their eyes all the time. Okay! THERE! Just like that!

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