Saturday, June 16, 2012

Yul Brynner, The Queen & I

"Pulling a Crawfie".

That's what the Royal family called the act of anyone close to them selling their memoirs. Queen Elizabeth II (then, Princess Lillibet)'s Governess, named Marion 'Crawfie' Crawford did just that and they never spoke to her again. That's one of the reasons Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother pulled me aside at a Taffy Pull competition to ask that I 'Set the record straight' by writing THE definitive Royal Family Memoir. The other reason was she never let an opportunity to touch my butt go by... dirty old woman, heh heh. If it wasn't for my need for a dominatrix, I'd have probably told her 'No'. But that day, I just wasn't interested in the whole red ball strapped into my mouth thing. Anyway... here are some randomly selected blurbs from my runaway bestseller 'Yul Brynner, The Queen, & I'.

Frankly it's kind of a relief to be able to share my most intimate stories with you (e-mail me if you want some nudie pics). Enjoy!

"... are you sure Lillibet? Your knuckle is pretty big," I said with some trepidation, but she was adamant. I felt so sorry for that equerry...

"... let Princess Whatever Her Name Is do it," I said. I'd always had a soft spot for the younger sister, or whatever she was.

...was just the way the Queen Mother was. Always looking to give a lap dance...

...The Pope looked at me and I just shook my head. I figured she was already under his robes so there was no way to stop the inevitable without someone looking foolish. "I understand your priests like little boys," I said, trying desperately to relieve the tension...

"You've no one to blame but yourself, Margaret," I said with real anger as the horse disappeared into her Vagina, "Now you've made us late for the Trooping The Color!"...

 ...of course we were young and had never heard of the phrase, 'Scat Fetish', but that's what Lillibet had, alright...

 "... Your Majesty!" I cried, but the stuttering fool just kept kissing me. That's when John F. Kennedy & Elvis walked in. The awkward silence that followed was brutal as they disrobed. All of us trying to ignore the horrifying breach of etiquette of not waiting...

... she may have been in her 90's by this time, but she was adamant that I hold nothing back as I slapped her ass...

"... I think I'm going to ask her to marry me," Philip said, somewhat shyly. I was too stunned to do anything but writhe beneath him, but I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes via the intricate set up of mirrors...

"... isn't it funny how all your boys are really princesses and Anne's a prince?" The room went silent in shock. I'd forgotten to call Anne 'His Royal Higness'. I knew the Queen would never forget this indiscretion and I'd hear about it that night as we worked the stripper pole...

"... the day of the funeral was grey and cold. The silence of the London streets was overwhelming as the body of Queen Mary - that venerable symbol of times past - was rolled down the street by 6 clowns and one puppeteer. I remember thinking we were at the end of an era, when suddenly Princess Margaret turned to me and said, "I think I just peed a little..."

"... I won't marry her if it costs me the throne. I mean it!" King Edward VIII said to me. "Trust me, they'll back down," I replied, "It's a sure thing." To this day, I feel kind of bad, but the look on his face when he had to abdicate still cracks me up...

... still wish the Queen Mother had worn more feathers and chiffon. But I was so busy making sure that Lillibet had blocky shoes and 40 pound purses that I just didn't have the time to help her dress, as I would have liked...

"... my advice? You want my advice? I'll give you, [hic] my advice! Marry the bitch! What's the worst that can happen?" and with those words to Prince Andrew, I downed my 18th (and as it would turn out, last) Triple Bloody Mary...

... the Lord Chamberlain shot me a warning glance, but I was young and headstrong. "I'd love to see your stamp collection, Your Majesty, but what's with the finger quotes?"...

... she lifted her breasts and I was devastated to see the bruises on her knees. "Philip did this?" I asked, my words choked with emotion...

No! No more. You've been given a taste, but if you want more of the real truth behind the public figures, you're going to have to buy the book. I hope you enjoyed my honest recollections of my times with the Royals and look forward to the receipts.

I leave you with one last word. A word uttered by the Queen herself, on the day she and I were getting her ready for her wedding.


Friday, June 15, 2012

Celebrity Party Talk

For many of us, talking to a celebrity at a party is simply not going to happen.

Of course, 'many of us' has never included me (but you know that), so I've composed a list of things that celebrities have said to me over the years that I'd like to share with you. THIS way, you too, will know what it's like to be a mover and/or a shaker, like me moving and/or shaking.

I'm so excited for you, because NOW is your moment to really understand how magical a Hollywood 'Doo' can be, as well as gain intimate knowledge of what the celebs REALLY talk about... You know, I'm too good to you.


"Get off me!" - Brad Pitt

"Yoo hoo! Over here!" - John Travolta

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Snork! Huh? What happ... zzzzzzzzz." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Oh! I'm so terribly sorry. What a decidedly bad time for my boil to drain." - Prince Harry

"I have to have the rubber tube inserted just right to achieve the 'look'." - Paris Hilton

"Me too. But of course, I define 'look' as 'smile'." - Perez Hilton

"Ka Ching!" - Caroline Kennedy at THREE different parties!

"I just asked if that was your finger. I didn't say 'stop'." - Justin Bieber

"Did you just eat? Can I smell your breath? PLEASE!?!" - Angelina Jolie

"What tray of h'ordeurves? And before you answer, I can BUUUUUY YOUUUU!" - Oprah

"The money's just too damned good. I don't DARE risk my career by coming clean about preferring men." - Ellen Degeneres

"Oh Christ! If Brett Butler asks, you didn't see me!" - Charlie Sheen

"See you if Christ Sheen Oh Charlie me didn't! Okay?! Charlie! Hey Charo!" - Brett Butler

"Maree a widdo tight. But I loo gorjuuus, light?" - Joan Rivers

"Still, I stand in the corner alone." - Maya Angelou

"It's really our children's party. Go talk to them. GO! TALK TO THEM! LOVE THEM! LOOOVE THEEEMMMM!" - Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith

"So are we gonna do it? Be cool! Be cool! Here comes Katie." - Do you really need attribution?

"Wait till I tell you about my latest project. Too late, you're handcuffed." - Kirstie Ally

"It's so hard to hire a maid these days. They're all looking for someone 'younger'. Judgemental beetches." - Arnold Schwarzenneger

"So I said, 'Bitch. I wear the dress around here. Hee Hee! Anyhoo, I need some blow. Chat with ya later." - The Pope

"More wine, sir?" - Scott Baio

"Is it me, or do those curtains look just like my arms?" - Madonna

"It's called 'Blind Love' but it kinda sounds like 'Is it me, or do those curtains look just like my arms'." - Lady Gaga

"I can't believe I'm here! I guess I've really arrived!" - One of the Glee kids... God knows which one.

"Dahling. Be sweet and help me move my body over to the bar. Oh, you're so brave and I love you." - Ivana Trump

"Can I get you to sign this petition? Remember though, I didn't know anything about it. I'm serious. I'll cut you." - Betty White

"Yeah, the Jubilee was fun, but I couldn't stop farting. Fucking banquet food." - The Queen

"Fame sucks. People are too afraid to tell you the truth. Will you? Please? I just want to know. Am I dead?" - Michael Jackson

"Wow. What's HIS problem?" - Whitney Houston

There you have it. You're one of the 'In' crowd now. Don't say I never do anything for you... It's been said by too many already. xoxo