Wednesday, February 17, 2010

#1 reasons - The list

#1 reason no one cares about online sex tapes anymore:
Realizing that it's just a matter of time before one of Maya Angelou's surface.

#1 reason people love to see Susan Boyle on stage:
Guarantees she won't be sitting at your table hitting on you.

#1 reason to see Avatar:
To piss off Linda Hamilton.

#1 reason to ease up on 'living healthy':
You'll spend the best years of your life miserable just to gain 10 more years - 10 YEARS of trying to go pee.

#1 reason to hang out with Liza Minnelli:
 You might get to marry her - if you're gay... and desperate.

#1 reason to clip your nose hair:
People might start having lunch with you again.  Might.

#1 reason William Shatner changed his name:
It was just way less creepy in the past tense.  (Give it a minute)

#1 reason to miss Michael Jackson:

#1 reason to make a #1 reason list:
A #2 list just sounds like some sort of scat fetish.

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Brave New World and freshly washed socks

Lately I've been getting more and more uncomfortable with Facebook.  Nothing too serious, nothing too annoying, but the composite of all the little things added up and I finally said, 'What's wrong with deactivating?'.

So I did it.  It's weird but I felt like I was leaving in a huff or something.  I don't know why.

Maybe it's that you feel like you're leaving all your friends.  You don't get to leave a note when you deactivate, you're just... gone.  Like you've hoisted a stick with a bandana holding all your belongings, over your shoulder and bid adieu to civilization.

But there are many reasons I no longer enjoyed being on Facebook.  Here, in no particular order, they be.

1)  Privacy issues.  Facebook keeps intellectual ownership of your  pictures, videos, ramblings (hee hee, MY thoughts... that's THEIR problem now - good luck making sense of THOSE!).  I just feel like that's heavy handed.  I don't like it, but not enough to really care.  This is just ONE of many reasons that added up.  It's not like I'm going to take them to court over my status updates so I can make a book out of them.  Or should I?  Maybe they'll settle and I'll get juuuuuust enough to pay the lawyers... okay, bad plan.

2)  Too many people on my 'friends' list.  I wanted to get rid of some, but they're called 'friends' and I felt too guilty.  Also, I never heard from some of those 'friends'.  Why was I on their list?  Why were they on mine?  And WHY did it just feel RUDE to even think of removing them?  And if you DO get rid of them, you have to BLOCK them in order for Facebook not to suggest you to them as a new friend!!!  YAAGGHH!!!!  If I felt guilt about removing them what are the odds I wouldn't end up in therapy if I blocked them?!?!?!

3)  News feeds.  God almighty.  I don't want to know what quiz you just took or read the 'Cut and Paste this into your status' status updates.  I know no one puts them in my newsfeeds other than Facebook, so if you're reading this, I don't mean 'YOU' per se.  I mean Facebook on your behalf.

4)  Facebook on your behalf.  I felt like they had all the control and I didn't.  Stop telling others what I did, what I'm doing, what I'm viewing, what I played!!!!!  Nyet more Comrade! Nyet more!!!

5)  They're making a fortune off me being there and giving me nothing.  I know, that can be said for anything online, but still, they're TOO big and making TOO much money and I'm STILL getting nothing.  I'm gone and it feels great to not be a part of the machinery.

6)  It's old, I'm old, and changes are bad for both of us.  They keep changing the look with no notice, and I have to try to find out how to use it all over again.  22 year olds everywhere just rolled their eyes at me, but it's STILL TRUE!!!!

Anyway, those are some of the reasons I left.  Now all I have to deal with is the withdrawal.  I just know I'm going to miss some parts of it.  Like ... OH NO!!!  I was in the middle of a Scrabble game with Corey (@Coreyoke1 for all you Tweeters out there) he's going to kill me!  Oh well, he reads these blogs (poor, bored bastard) so, sorry Corey, I completely forgot we had a game going when I deactivated!  I'll make you a bran muffin someday to make amends... but just the one, you know bran's not good for you.

Will I survive in my self-induced Post-Facebook existence?  Yup.
Will I grow wild and begin eating wild beasts? Nope.
Will I become a Twitter addict. Yup, already am one.  But I also hope this will give me more online time for blogging which I'm truly coming to love.

Well, I've nattered long enough for now, but I just wanted to proclaim my joy at making a change.  I don't often accomplish that, so it's definitely a reason to Hoot and Holler.  Wish me luck on my brave new journey.  My journey of discovery.  Oh damn, the arm's stuck and I can't get out of my 'Laz-y-boy.'

Okay, wish me luck tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Who knew my brain had all this garbage in it?

There are over 1 billion galaxies in the Universe (and counting) and in each of those galaxies there are over 1 billion stars.  Most, if not all of those stars have planets orbiting them.

If the odds of one earth-like planet existing around any one of those stars in a 'livable' zone is even .0000001%, then there are potentially 1 billion planets capable of supporting life.

My Point?  Can you believe WE got Courtney Love?!?!

Divorce is a billion dollar industry.  Ted Bundy got married in prison.  Queen Elizabeth II married her cousin.  American men can 'order' a bride from the Philippines.  But 2 women fall in love?  NOW the sanctity of marriage is threatened...

I think the Egyptians, Greeks and Romans proved that we're capable of building things that last, except maybe for successful civilizations.

I think we all remember where we were when Bea Arthur died.  Myself, I was on the Lanaii.

James Cameron really painted himself into a corner this time!  Good luck making a THIRD billion dollar movie sucka!

Albert Einstein, Julius Caesar, Mahatma Ghandi or me.  Who would you most like to have dinner with?  May I remind you, the other three are rotting corpses?  Take your time, I'll wait.

I guess I thought Mel Gibson had it together.  That MUST be the reason I can't believe what his life's become.  And as bizarre and pathetic as he appears, he can still buy and sell me.  Anyhoo, I'm off to stick my head in my oven...

When I die I want to be remembered as that guy.  You know, that guy that did that thing.

Can you believe that 'Asteroids' was a word they DIDN'T use for hemorrhoids? DON'T tell ME that asteroids were discovered first, no way, no how!

Poor people are so easily distracted from the fact that they are USED by the rich that it really makes me want to be rich.

Did you know that practice DOESN'T always get you to Carnegie Hall?  It's true!  However, you won't have any better luck taking the 113 Straight Line... it's shitty.

I was SO hoping Ellen Degeneres would get that second job.  Poor thing can barely get by on the first one.

I believe we have all made the mistake of taking the donut for granted.  Shame on us.

What goals do people born into the British Royal Family have?  They can't really social climb, aim to make their first million, or try to get laid more than they do.  I suppose all you can really aim for, in their position, is to NOT marry a golddigger.  Hoo Haa, good luck with that playas!!!!