Sunday, April 17, 2011

Lesser Known Historical Quotes

Of course, there are famous quotes throughout history. But what about the lesser known ones? Myself, I think we can learn a great deal from the reactions of people in the past to the less profound (or known) moments. The REAL meat and potatoes, if you will.

In fact, I, and my crack team of 700 operatives have spent the last 5 years unearthing the most astonishing (and some would argue, useless) quotes from history. This, we do for you. Feel free to express your thanks via credit card or money order. To quote Egypt's first known architect, Imhotep, "No cash please, it hasn't been invented yet."

See how relevant these quotes can be? So sit back, grab a coffee (or beer, if it's after 10am where you are) and be prepared to get a little bit smarter. You're welcome.


"After their blatant disregard for the entire process, the Von Trapps have been barred from future singing competitions." - Adolph Hitler (with the full support of the Vienna Idol panel).

"Oh God, here comes the town council! Take the vaseline, chicken carcass, torn panties and leather mask and hide behind the house! They've seen this damned kite with the key on it, so I'll stay and come up with some frickin' explanation. GO!" - Benjamin Franklin

"Sir, that's your 10th free sample. I'm going to have to ask you to either buy something or leave." Supermarket manager to Ghandi

"Okay be very careful, but I'm ready for the second knuckle. OW!! Back it up! Back it... no wait, okay, it's okay. Give me a second. Alright, now ask me to divulge secrets in a German accent." - Winston Churchill

"Yes son, I DO realize he could have built this Ark in the blink of an eye. Hand me another #%$#! plank and shut the @#&! up already!" - Noah

"Life is good. I'm getting a HUGE payout from Rome for my trouble and I'm going to bask on the beach forev... OH MY RA! NOBODY MOVE! It's an asp! I'll get it, but you all need to be VERY still. That includes you Parkinsonskamun!" - Cleopatra

"Your son will join the army. He'll achieve HUGE success before the age of 25 and be retired by 40. The world will remember him as the greatest Five Star General who has ever lived Mr. and Mrs. Sanders!" - Worst medium in history

"Of course you should buy that plane, John John. Remember, we're Kennedys, nothing happens to us." - Ted during another jag.

"My grade 12 education tells me I should be fine as Monarch. As long as I take good care to raise my puppies, all will be well. Hmmm? Oh, yes. Ha ha, I mean babies." - Elizabeth II

"Oh no. I FINALLY get a chance to rid the world of Mary Todd Lincoln and my eye twitch starts acting up again. Luck don't fail me now!" - John Wilkes Booth

"It's simple Ahmed. If, and that's a big if, Gadhafi turns out to be a mistake, we vote him out at the NEXT election. Now come on, let's go vote." - All Libyans Not Named Ahmed.

"A NINE?! Are you serious?! Listen, Suki, at that point, how well we've built these Nuclear Reactors will be the LEAST of our problems. A nine. PFFFFTTTT! Does anyone have any REALISTIC concerns?" - Head architect of the new Fukushima Daiichi Reactor project.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Global Wealth... or is that Global poverty?

I did a little Saturday morning figuring and let's just say it's ruined my mood. Do you have any idea how poor you are? And how you got that way? I think the following calculations make for some sober thinking. Keep in mind, I"m ballparking everything, but the numbers are pretty close to the mark (check it out yourself by doing a little research). It's mind boggling and, quite frankly, a sign that evil DOES exist in this world. It's called greed.

These are the present numbers for global wealth (approx):

200,000,000,000,000 dollars. That's 200 Trillion estimated total wealth to be distributed in the world.

7,000,000,000 people. 7 Billion people SHOULD be able to enjoy 200 Trillion, no?

But these numbers are so HUGE it's tough to really see the whole picture.

So, let's reduce it accurately to something we can wrap our minds around by dividing everything by 1 billion:
7 people.
Nice and simple.

200,000 dollars is divided between 7 people in the following manner:

How it IS (based on 2010 global wealth calculations by world population):
6 people have less than $10.00 each (but let's be generous and say an even 10):

                                                              =               $60.00 (92% of pop)
1 person has $199,940.00                      =      $199,940.00 (Millionaires & Billionaires are about 8% of pop, so frighteningly, this number is probably HIGHER)

Yes, those numbers are relatively accurate. The top 2% of the world's population control 50% of the wealth, so I assure you the next 6% take the rest. Aint life grand? Now remind me WHY 92% of us are asked to donate to disaster relief by the 8% who could actually make a difference, but don't?

How it SHOULD be:
7 people have $28,571.43 EACH!

Why it won't be:
That one person, that one greedy, selfish son of a bitch, is AMAZING at convincing us other 6 that if we try REALLY hard, we too can earn the 199,940.00 he's got (as if somehow he'll let it go, OR we'll invent more money). And WE BELIEVE HIM! (btw 'HIM' means the richies out there)

Until we, the other 6, wise up we will ALWAYS be poor. They don't have a right to that money. They used it to pass laws that help them keep it. Stop buying iPads and iPhones and other distractions and start DEMANDING that the rich pay taxes that are fair and that prices be lowered on EVERY product out there so that they aren't stealing what's left of our $60.00 anymore.

FYI These rich assholes are NOT creating jobs, they're creating slaves. BIG difference.

Man, after this eye opener, I need a coffee... that the guy who picked the beans made 1 cent on and the assholes who do nothing, made 8.00 on. I see I'm STILL part of the problem, and so it goes...