Saturday, April 17, 2010

Messages To Consider Delivering If We're Ever Under Alien Attack

Invading Species!!  You can have Lithuania, Belgium, Nepal and Chile, but please leave the rest of us alone!

Attention unidentified Aliens. Piss off!  This is OUR neck of the woods.  Now go on, git!

Warning!  Earth is presently under quarantine for an extremely viral, airborne sexually transmitted disease.  Descent through our atmosphere inadvisable at this time!  (We should probably use yellow strobe lights at different places too.  OH!  And some kind of siren!!)

Beware of Dog!

We got guns you Alien sons of bitches!

Attention Aliens.  Please stand by as we transport up a few Billionaires who always wanted to go into space.  We will consider a cease fire, if you take them and go!

Invading Force.  Before you invade you MUST declare your position on abortion.  Don't worry, whatever your answer is, half of earth will support you.  Of course, the other half will be your worst nightmare!

Message for Aliens orbitting Earth.  There is a 4 million Quatloo fee for orbitting.  Please remit payment before proceeding to invade.

Hey, shitheads!  Tony 'Da Gooch' Tannini don't appreciate your disrespectin' his planet.  Yeah, it's his fuckin' planet, yous got a problem wit dat?!?!  Hey!  Fat Eddie!  Dey got a problem wit dat.  Paint 'em a picture!

To Alien visitors.  Sigourney Weaver was just foolin' with you.  You can have the kid.

Warning!  Humans fart.  A LOT!  Try Alpha Centauri, we hear THEY'RE very civilized and ripe for the picking.

Attention Invasion Force.  Earth is now represented by Johnny Cochrane.  Now unless you want to be intergalactically sued up whatever orifice represents your Wazoo, you'd better back off now!

Unidentified Aliens.  Please prepare to be boarded by Acting General, Judge Judy!

Attention Aliens!  We know why you're here and we understand.  You can find Joyce DeWitt at 122, 1203 Windermere Road, Picton, Iowa.  Don't tell her we told you.  Please, forgive us, we had no idea Three's Company transmitted THAT far into the galaxy and we're very, very sorry.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

You know, and this is just me thinking out loud, mind...

Why are there actresses but not doctresses?

What the hell is the opposite of flammable then?

Who died and made Gilligan owner of the island?

Is there a place for eggs in the brave new metric world?

Eight pack hot dog buns are just stupid.

I think I'm getting too old to have an Ed Asner Pin Up in my room.

Tattoos look horrible on old fat people and we are ALL going to be old fat people.  Ergo...

How come the more money people get, the more they want to eat frogs, slugs, fish eggs, fungus and the like?

Am I the only one who's feeling confident that when I go it won't be in my own private jet, like JFK Jr.?

Why don't they just leave the hatches battened down to begin with?

Does anyone else think that there's an entire untapped market out there for Adult Diapers?

Hats off to the person who invented wigs!

Wigs off to the person who invented hats!

Why do we all wish for a long life and then despise getting older?

I don't get pickles.

Will anyone ever acknowledge that the Rat Pack guys joking about Sammy Davis Jr. being black were just out and out creepy?

Fish in aquariums must go batshit from boredom.

Dr. Drew is simply a dominatrix with a camera crew.

Correct me if I'm wrong but honey comes from a bee's pee pee.  Surely you can spend your money on something a little cleaner.

Seriously, the letter 'C' is superfluous. Of course so is the word 'superfluous'.

You know why we're weird?  We spend our lives wanting to believe the people we're trying to impress are impressive themselves.

How do doctors go home and eat?  OMG! Or DENTISTS?!?!

If fashion changes, is it ever really worth having?

If we were smart we'd make 'fat' the new 'sexy'.  People living during the Renaissance were brilliant!

If a can opener fails, does it become a can't opener?

Winners MUST quit occasionally.  Or don't they ever sleep?

Just so I'm clear.  God actually planted a 'forbidden' tree, pointed it out, stressed that it was 'forbidden' and then was surprised that they tried it?  Is God serious?  Why didn't he just leave his wallet on the dresser too?

Between you and me, I think Mary Poppins was uppity.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Bitching about Twitter

I've got a Twitter confession to make.  I've grown tired of the very things I once jumped up and down with joy over.  I have officially become one of the attention deficit generation (albeit 4 generations behind).  I've discovered that I am delighted with any one thing for precisely 2.36 seconds before becoming disillusioned.  Within 41.2 seconds I progress to annoyed.  This rapidly becomes disinterest (3.79 seconds) followed by noticing something new and TOTALLY COOL!!!  Rinse, Repeat.

I still love Twitter, I really do, but it's given me an insight into many areas, including my own issues, that have left me depleted and, sadly,  nowhere near as dirty as I had hoped.  Need an example or two you say?  Here ya go:

Those of you who have read my earlier blogs (both of you) know that I tried to flag Neil Patrick Harris' attention regarding Shawn of Uncultured Project fame.  Well, that laid on the table for a few meals before the rats gave their own asses and tried a nibble.  Then they headed on down to whatever Pub rats go to and haven't been heard from since.  I don't regret trying, but it's just not possible to get everything you try every TIME you try.  But as I watched his tweets to see if it worked, I started noticing something.  Something insidious.  Something so vile and unimaginable that... okay, I'm just shittin' ya.  But I DID notice SOMETHING.  I was becoming annoyed with Neil Patrick Harris!  And not just NPH.  Slowly but surely, I realized EVERY tweeter was annoying.  It was like we were ALL just humans!  You know, the kind sitting around a table playing Canasta and talking WAY too much.  Which, if you know Canasta conversations, always SEEMS like a good idea - until the Great White Shark shows up...  Okay, I've never played Canasta, I'm just assuming...

One thing that kills me about Twitter Celebs is that the very thing that you think makes them Ubercool at the beginning slowly becomes Uberannoying.   Much like marriage really.  You know - the way that adorable laugh becomes a taunting cackle that eats away at your soul.  Not that I've ever been married.  Like Canasta, I'm just assuming.

I LOVED how ordinary NPH was.  I raved about it.  He's just a guy who tweets and asks for restaurant suggestions, or occasionally asks for people to vote for him in 'Favorite This or That' contests.  Charming, really.  Glitter with the touch of the human.  Just like my friend Corey, though HIS glitter is from WalMart.

Only now, after his last shoulder shrug-esque request for votes (how he shoulder shrugs in a tweet is beyond me - and frankly, for 2.36 seconds I thought it was Ubercool) I've become somewhat uninterested.  My attitude isn't directed at Neil per se, but at ALL wealthy celebs.  WHY do you need awards on top of everything you already have?  I don't get it.

That's like someone having the greatest sex night after night and then hoping to get a Porsche out of it.  AND asking thousands of people who haven't had any sex (OR own a Porsche) to help them out!  It's not criminal, it's not immoral, it's just... innocently greedy - and, worse,  it reminds the rest of us we're not getting any to begin with.  Now hold on.  Like the Canasta example, I'm not saying I'm sexually frustrated, I'm JUST making an analogy, really.  That's all... OH PISS OFF!!! ALL OF YOU!!!! And no, being sexless isn't the reason I'm cranky and playing Canasta!  I just told you I get sex.  Lot's of it.  Okay, next topic.


Whew!  Sorry, 'bout that, I just got carried away, I'm fine now.  Really.  Who's deal is it?

I'm tired of the 'Complainers'.  Can you believe my gall?!?!?  Seriously, even I just raised an eyebrow at me.  But there are so many tweets out there complaining about this, that, and the other thing. I may BLOG complaints, but I'm sorry I just can't fit any of MY complaints into 140 characters or less.  Can't do it.  And I truly believe I shouldn't.  So I just tweet funny stuff or links to weird things.  I save my 'Nomination Worthy' complaints (vote for me Neil!) for Darrenkipedia, where the world comes to nod it's head and say, "That boy's onto something!"

Where was I?  Oh yeah, complainers.  There is something odd about what bitching does.  It almost never gets people to nod and say, "That boy's onto something!" (sigh)  Instead, it makes us all think "What a negative person."  Even if your point is relevant, you shouldn't tweet about what's wrong with someone else.  I'm sure Neil would agree.  YES I see the irony Neil, that's why I mentioned you.

No, don't complain via Tweets. Instead you should stress the positive or at least identify a wrong ONLY to inform. And as annoying as it is to get yet another 'vote for me' tweet from NPH I'll say this about the man.  He NEVER complains or puts anyone else down.  That alone puts him back in the Ubercool zone in my books.  If you MUST complain, I say do so where you can 'splain your thinking.  You just CAN'T accomplish that in a tweet.  Blogs are free (for now) so use 'em!

The next two points are somewhat connected.  Celebs who only tweet about their latest project and celebs who are on Twitter but have never tweeted themselves.  These are sins because they ruin a beautiful internet neighborhood with their e-billboards.

First, let's discuss the 'sellers'.  Those tweets have all the charm of an infomercial.  Seriously, I get WHY it seems like a good marketing tool, but I'm telling you, it isn't.  I don't care what your latest album is or your latest tour dates.  I don't read tweets for that.  You've got a website, I'll check there thank you.  You don't have a website?  You're not a real celebrity are you?  VERIFIED!!!! (which by the way, is the new BAM!!!!)

Anyhoo, the truth is, I read the tweets of people I know to find out wazzup with my friends.  If I've added a celeb I consider them on some level to be in the friend category.  I just want to know how your morning toast was, or what you're doing later NOT what you want me to buy today.  If you don't want to share with your fans, you don't have to.  Seriously, it's okay, you don't know us at all, so cool, just allow your friends to follow you or get off Twitter.  I see nothing wrong with that.  But DON'T be an e-door to e-door salesman.  Just don't.

The next Twitter faux pas, in mho, is the 'fake celeb account'.  I don't mean someone PRETENDING to be a celeb (though I don't even GET that whole scene at all), but the actual celeb doing the SAME THING!!!  Don't use our Twitter Neighborhood to have someone in your management company pretend to be you, or worse yet, (listen up GLEE) the character you play just to make money off of us.  It's insulting and removes you at once from being part of something incredibly powerful.  The communitizing of the world via the internet.  People are savvy.  They catch on to who's a part of a movement and who's trying to take advantage.  And they rarely forget.  I love the show Glee, but the marketing people are turning me off something BIG TIME with their character accounts.  What, am I an idiot and want to interact with some stranger pretending to be the actor pretending to be the character of a fictional TV show?  I've got two words for you - Milli Vanilli. I wonder if THEY'RE on Twitter?  And are they verified?

Confession time.  I didn't actually type that last paragraph.  I hired someone with REALLY strong typing skills to do it for me.  Sorry, it just seemed an important enough point to hire out for. NOTE: I'm still the guy he hired by the way, and I sell lithographs of my fingertips for $50.00 a print.  Come on over to or follow @lithofinger and see what 'must have' prints are still available!  Just don't tell THIS guy what I told you, cause it seems he's touchy about the whole thing.  What a negative person!

Anyhoo.  That's about it.  Those are my Saturday morning bitches.  Next time I'll be funny, but THIS time was really just me being self-indulgent and I LOVED IT!!!!!  Remember, Blog rules allow that, Twitter rules don't.  I AM THE LAW so don't question me.  You may now go and contiue with your day (and don't slouch).  Ciao for now bellas!