With all the drama of the Oksana and Mel tapes being leaked on the internet, the one thing that's been overlooked is, we haven't heard from Mel Gibson about these conversations. We know nothing of the context, or the underlying issues at the time these calls were made. Maybe there's a logical explanation we haven't heard yet.
And in that vein I'm happy to provide some possible explanations that Mel could be offering up in the near future. I've come up with a few and I think the odds are really good we'll be seeing one or more of them on Entertainment Tonight sometime soon. You're welcome. Enjoy the spoilers...
1) Ladies and Gentlemen, good evening. First let me explain to you all that I'm a big Fred Travolina fan (have you heard him do me? Oh! Ha! Ha! Of course you have.) and though he's lost it, I don't apologize for taking him in and looking after him during his medical crisis. The shocking thing is that Oksana knew we were having trouble keeping him off the phone. I can't believe she'd leak her conversations with him. What a FUCKING CUNT!!!!!! WHAT?!?! I HATE HER!! (PANT!) I DON'T WANT HER!! (PANT! PANT!) HER BOOBS MAKE HER LOOK..."
2) Hee! Hee! Me say boo boo! Me adorable. Me forgiven?
3) Yes I've heard the leaked tapes and like the rest of the civilized world I was horrified by what came out! I didn't pay Steve Jobs $700.00 for the iPhone 4 to have my side of the conversation sound so scratchy. Rest assured my lawyers will be contacting Apple.
4) It's all a misunderstanding. Please! If you'll just let me explain. What I meant to say was, "Hi Oksana, s'new?" Now if you're a Jew, naturally you're going to put a bad spin on my way of saying that... that's what Jews do, they try to make you look anti-semitic, profane, psycho, and all racist. Kooky fact: did you know they started all the wars in the world? Anyhoo, can we please move on to discussing my new movie "If OJ was a Jew who did it"?
5) This'll all blow over. You'll see. Hey! Who wants to see my naked bum again?!?
6) It's all that fucking Joe Pesci's fault. The dumb shit put cinnamon on my Meth. I'm allergic to cinnamon... and sanity.
7) Me? Racist? Come ooooon!!! Coooome ooooon!!!! I mean, cooooooooooome oooooooooooooon!!!!
Okay, fuck you all.
8) I've got $600 million. My looks are shot. NO ONE wants to see my films anymore. I can't even find someone under 40 to have an affair with. Really, if ever there was a time for me to go all batshit, you know? Guys, AMIRITE?!?!
9) I realize some of you are shocked by the revelations of my demeanor on those tapes. I just want to set the record straight by saying I built a church on my property, divorced my wife while professing to be an Uber Catholic and already ranted after a DUI about Jews and 'sugar tits' and all. Seriously, it's not like you couldn't see this coming. In a way this is more your fault than mine.
10) What part of "I need my child and a maid' don't you FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!?!? Okay, fine, for the rest of this press conference you can direct all your questions to my attorney, Lindsay Lohan. Get up here bitch! I GOT YOU OUT OF FUCKIN' JAIL. YOU OWE ME!!!! WHA?!?! WHA?!? HOW DARE YOU?!?! YOU FUCKIN" WHORE!!! Okay, Tom, in the third row, did you have a question?