You're about to learn more in one reading, than you probably have learned in an entire Enquirer. I don't do this to be called a saint. I don't do this to be called a great man. But it would be nice, you know? Anyhoo, enjoy my questionably valid list of things I'll bet you didn't know.
Did you know 'to town' is Latin for 'in your hair'? Enjoy next Christmas.
Did you know that for every trillion trimmed off the US debt, Angelina Jolie has vowed to gain a pound?
Did you know Brad Pitt just rolls his eyes when she tells anyone?
Did you know Dionne Warwick KNEW how to get to San Jose all along? (Bitch)
Did you know that I know that you know I know? Cause I didn't.
Did you know Truffles are tree fungus? Or that the French made a bet on how stupid we are? And that they won?
Did you know that if you lined up every person living right now side by side, we'd want to choke each other in 5 minutes?
Did you know Julia Roberts wasn't the first choice for 'Pretty Woman'? At least not mine.
Did you know a full grown Great White Shark has only one natural enemy? Himself, when he tries to make small talk at the bar.
Did you know that the ancient Mayans were predicting their own demise? Or that they were overly optimistic? 2012? In your dreams Mayans! Booya!
Did you know Lucille Ball? You're old.
Did you know that saying 'God was watching out for me' is kinda slapping the face of everyone else who died on the plane?
Did you know Rome had Vomitoriums? And that they needed them because their politicians were all corrupt, selfish bastards who ruined their civilization?
Did you know Vomitoriums are making a comeback?
Did you know that when the 'e' is silent, it's just being passive aggressive?
Did you know that Luke Skywalker is just Jesus Waterwalker upside down?
Did you know every celebrity who dies on a downswing was on the verge of a comeback?
Did you know Danny Bonaducci has apparently been dying for 43 years?
Did you know Morgan Freeman's real name is Morgan Fairchild?
Did you know that if you accidentally spill Proactive on a pizza it turns into a pretty teen girl?
Did you know if you play any Bjork song backwards you're finally hearing it right?
Did you know Lee Majors wasn't really bionic? Then you're one up on Farrah.
Did you know William Shatner is Gaelic for Bill Poopedner?
Did you know that abstinence in the third trimester of a pregnancy is kind of a given? At least for men.
Congratulations, you are now smart enough to be on 'Celebrity Apprentice'. But I'm sure you already knew that.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Live Tweets From A Funeral - Ironic, No?
You know, The Reverend Al Sharpton live tweeting from Whitney Houston's funeral isn't as crass as some people (and by 'some', I mean all) may think. I did it myself, during Elvis' funeral - of course, back then, only a few select people were aware of Twitter (John Wayne, Me, the Rat Pack, and Streisand) - and I think it was cathartic.
I'd like to share those tweets with you all now, because I think they're as relevant today as they were the day 'E' (I called him 'E', we were close - Wellll, not 'F' close, just 'E' close) died. I hope they are as healing for your hearts as they were for the fourteen of us on Twitter back then. Please remember, this was us at a raw time, there's no editing for viewers. Just real. Damned real.
@bcdarr: Am I the only one who thinks Priscilla's lips could use some plumping? The music's nice though.
RT @ShirleyMacLaine: "These pews are killing my ass!" ~ Ha Ha! Bitch!
@bcdarr: I hear Michael Jackson's got a new movie coming out. 'The Wiz'. Why doesn't he just quit while he's ahead? His time has come and gone, now it's just getting embarrassing. Hey, @Sinatra! Can I get a what what?!
@Sinatra: @bcdarr - You are one far out cat. Was that even English?
RT @SDavisJr: Sha Boing Boing Boing!
@bcdarr: How long is this thing?
RT @DonRickles: "Quit playing with it!" ~ see my reply to @ShirleyMacLaine... bitch.
@bcdarr: I'm just guessing, but counting his entire entourage I think there's just over an acre of sideburns here.
RT @JoeyBishop: "Who's up for going to Star Wars again? Man, that show was outta sight!" ~ I'm in!
@bcdarr: Was offered the lead in a show called 'Dallas' that's airing next year, but it's about this bad guy in the oil business, so I turned it down. (Shoot me now!) They've given it to the guy from "I Dream Of Jeanie" instead, no lie! I'm laughing out loud over that (wish there was a more efficient way to write that).
RT @FarrahFawcett: "When is Rex Humbard going to shut up? It's enough to make me use Coke, and you know how against THAT I am. (Rolling On Floor Laughing)" - Ha Ha. You bad.
@bcdarr: A little off topic, but that Jimmy Carter is going to be a 2 termer. Mark my words!
RT @Sinatra: "Fuck Scorsese!" - It was FIVE years ago, boss, let it go. You need a pill that chills you out. A chill pill, so to speak. Hey! That's kinda catchy!
@bcdarr: Anyone else think Ann Margaret looks old?
RT @DonRickles: "Is the orgy still on at MacLaine's?" - Not if you're getting naked! (You can't tell, but I'm Laughing My Ass Off)
Well, it kinda got dirty from there, so I'll stop here, but I hope it helped heal the wounds of today, you know, for those of you who are wounded.
I'd forgotten how innocent everything was back then. Did you know that we were all FavStar Board Leaders then? Good times. I remember Sammy telling me after the funeral that he wished he had a book with all of our faces in it. The man was a prophet, I tell you. A prophet. (except he was going to call it Book of Faces and put it to music, but still....)
We all went our separate ways after that and truthfully I never saw any of them again. I assume they're all doing well, especially Frank, but who knows? Anyhoo, I have to run, I'm scheduled to give a CNN interview defending Al Sharpton's CNN interview, and we're having trouble getting my entire entourage into the studios (something about a 'guest limit'). I leave you with Elvis' last words to me, 'Toodles' (which would be soooo much cooler if that had been a title of one of his songs. But it wasn't, he was just really gay at the end.)
I'd like to share those tweets with you all now, because I think they're as relevant today as they were the day 'E' (I called him 'E', we were close - Wellll, not 'F' close, just 'E' close) died. I hope they are as healing for your hearts as they were for the fourteen of us on Twitter back then. Please remember, this was us at a raw time, there's no editing for viewers. Just real. Damned real.
@bcdarr: Am I the only one who thinks Priscilla's lips could use some plumping? The music's nice though.
RT @ShirleyMacLaine: "These pews are killing my ass!" ~ Ha Ha! Bitch!
@bcdarr: I hear Michael Jackson's got a new movie coming out. 'The Wiz'. Why doesn't he just quit while he's ahead? His time has come and gone, now it's just getting embarrassing. Hey, @Sinatra! Can I get a what what?!
@Sinatra: @bcdarr - You are one far out cat. Was that even English?
RT @SDavisJr: Sha Boing Boing Boing!
@bcdarr: How long is this thing?
RT @DonRickles: "Quit playing with it!" ~ see my reply to @ShirleyMacLaine... bitch.
@bcdarr: I'm just guessing, but counting his entire entourage I think there's just over an acre of sideburns here.
RT @JoeyBishop: "Who's up for going to Star Wars again? Man, that show was outta sight!" ~ I'm in!
@bcdarr: Was offered the lead in a show called 'Dallas' that's airing next year, but it's about this bad guy in the oil business, so I turned it down. (Shoot me now!) They've given it to the guy from "I Dream Of Jeanie" instead, no lie! I'm laughing out loud over that (wish there was a more efficient way to write that).
RT @FarrahFawcett: "When is Rex Humbard going to shut up? It's enough to make me use Coke, and you know how against THAT I am. (Rolling On Floor Laughing)" - Ha Ha. You bad.
@bcdarr: A little off topic, but that Jimmy Carter is going to be a 2 termer. Mark my words!
RT @Sinatra: "Fuck Scorsese!" - It was FIVE years ago, boss, let it go. You need a pill that chills you out. A chill pill, so to speak. Hey! That's kinda catchy!
@bcdarr: Anyone else think Ann Margaret looks old?
RT @DonRickles: "Is the orgy still on at MacLaine's?" - Not if you're getting naked! (You can't tell, but I'm Laughing My Ass Off)
Well, it kinda got dirty from there, so I'll stop here, but I hope it helped heal the wounds of today, you know, for those of you who are wounded.
I'd forgotten how innocent everything was back then. Did you know that we were all FavStar Board Leaders then? Good times. I remember Sammy telling me after the funeral that he wished he had a book with all of our faces in it. The man was a prophet, I tell you. A prophet. (except he was going to call it Book of Faces and put it to music, but still....)
We all went our separate ways after that and truthfully I never saw any of them again. I assume they're all doing well, especially Frank, but who knows? Anyhoo, I have to run, I'm scheduled to give a CNN interview defending Al Sharpton's CNN interview, and we're having trouble getting my entire entourage into the studios (something about a 'guest limit'). I leave you with Elvis' last words to me, 'Toodles' (which would be soooo much cooler if that had been a title of one of his songs. But it wasn't, he was just really gay at the end.)
Friday, February 17, 2012
The Importance of Being Prepared: Eulogy Edition
As you can imagine, the media started calling me almost immediately after we lost Whitney to get my reaction. Like the rest of us, I was unprepared for the news and I think my quotes were rather slipshod. I still cringe when they play my CNN quote,
'What Aretha said goes double for me... but please, Lord Jesus, in half the time."
Or my MSNBC snippet, 'Get ready Heaven, here come the runs!"
I don't care what my scale says, I'm only one man! And I can make mistakes. So, in order for this to never happen again, I've prepared my 'surprised comments' for most of my Hollywood friends so that I will never again have to say to Piers Brosnan, "Who the hell are you? Put Larry on!"
Below are my 'from the heart, first gut reactions' to news that we've lost another of my dear Hollywood friends far too soon... you know, eventually.
I hope it brings a tear to your eye as much as it did to my staff who cried like babies over each one (except that one guy who didn't and I fired).
Bless you all, and enjoy...
Either Olson Twin:
"OMG! No! Which one? Not the less psychotic one. Oh Dear God, PLEASE not the less psychotic one! I'm sorry, I'm too devastated to listen to your answer."
Aretha Franklin:
"I blame the Ham industry for this. Have we learned NOTHING since we lost Mama Cass?! Hmmm? Yes, I'll be singing the tribute, but not from her catalog. I prefer Stevie Wonder. Goodbye my Aretha, you will forever be Ebony and Ivory to me."
Corey Haim:
"Seriously? HOW many years ago? Wow."
Queen Elizabeth II:
"I prefer to remember her back when she was just a struggling Princess with big dreams."
Joan Rivers:
"She brought laughter to millions. I remember peeing my pants after her twenty third surgery."
Janet Jackson:
"NO! Not Janice too!?! Janet. Whatever."
Mariah Carey:
"Oops I've got another call, can you hold?"
Sir Paul McCartney:
"He showed us all how to thwart Satan by selling your soul here on earth. Rest In Peace, you dear, ugly man."
Donald Trump:
"People lining up to pee on his corpse is rather distasteful. But let me be clear here! I'm only guessing about the taste."
Betty White:
"Again?"
Dolly Parton and/or Kenny Rogers:
"Their music will live forever, much like their skin."
Lisa Marie Presley:
She proved, rather eloquently I think, what I said at her Dad's funeral. There will never be another like him."
Bebe or Cece Winans:
"My thoughts are with Dede through Zeze at this devastating time."
Paris Hilton:
"I hope all the haters out there are happy now! Cause I sure am."
Kim Kardashian:
"I see her as an Angel now. All those feathers, and the back hair... no, it's too horrible to contemplate."
Oprah Winfrey:
"My heart is too full to say anything other than what my dear friend Maya Angelou has already said, 'Strength', followed by the single word 'Oprah' 187 times for some reason. Yeah. I think they did 'it'."
Carly Simon:
"I'm waiting for a Pizza delivery & can't tie up the line."
Maury Povitch:
"I have proof in this envelope that the man in that casket is NOT the corpse!"
Paula Deen:
"Even without her feet, she really bloated up there at the end."
Any American Idol:
"Who?"
Brad Pitt:
"I'm reminded of his immortal words... uh... well he must have... his wisdom lives o.. seriously? He said NOTHING? Wow. We lost an amazingly expensive male prostitute."
'What Aretha said goes double for me... but please, Lord Jesus, in half the time."
Or my MSNBC snippet, 'Get ready Heaven, here come the runs!"
I don't care what my scale says, I'm only one man! And I can make mistakes. So, in order for this to never happen again, I've prepared my 'surprised comments' for most of my Hollywood friends so that I will never again have to say to Piers Brosnan, "Who the hell are you? Put Larry on!"
Below are my 'from the heart, first gut reactions' to news that we've lost another of my dear Hollywood friends far too soon... you know, eventually.
I hope it brings a tear to your eye as much as it did to my staff who cried like babies over each one (except that one guy who didn't and I fired).
Bless you all, and enjoy...
Either Olson Twin:
"OMG! No! Which one? Not the less psychotic one. Oh Dear God, PLEASE not the less psychotic one! I'm sorry, I'm too devastated to listen to your answer."
Aretha Franklin:
"I blame the Ham industry for this. Have we learned NOTHING since we lost Mama Cass?! Hmmm? Yes, I'll be singing the tribute, but not from her catalog. I prefer Stevie Wonder. Goodbye my Aretha, you will forever be Ebony and Ivory to me."
Corey Haim:
"Seriously? HOW many years ago? Wow."
Queen Elizabeth II:
"I prefer to remember her back when she was just a struggling Princess with big dreams."
Joan Rivers:
"She brought laughter to millions. I remember peeing my pants after her twenty third surgery."
Janet Jackson:
"NO! Not Janice too!?! Janet. Whatever."
Mariah Carey:
"Oops I've got another call, can you hold?"
Sir Paul McCartney:
"He showed us all how to thwart Satan by selling your soul here on earth. Rest In Peace, you dear, ugly man."
Donald Trump:
"People lining up to pee on his corpse is rather distasteful. But let me be clear here! I'm only guessing about the taste."
Betty White:
"Again?"
Dolly Parton and/or Kenny Rogers:
"Their music will live forever, much like their skin."
Lisa Marie Presley:
She proved, rather eloquently I think, what I said at her Dad's funeral. There will never be another like him."
Bebe or Cece Winans:
"My thoughts are with Dede through Zeze at this devastating time."
Paris Hilton:
"I hope all the haters out there are happy now! Cause I sure am."
Kim Kardashian:
"I see her as an Angel now. All those feathers, and the back hair... no, it's too horrible to contemplate."
Oprah Winfrey:
"My heart is too full to say anything other than what my dear friend Maya Angelou has already said, 'Strength', followed by the single word 'Oprah' 187 times for some reason. Yeah. I think they did 'it'."
Carly Simon:
"I'm waiting for a Pizza delivery & can't tie up the line."
Maury Povitch:
"I have proof in this envelope that the man in that casket is NOT the corpse!"
Paula Deen:
"Even without her feet, she really bloated up there at the end."
Any American Idol:
"Who?"
Brad Pitt:
"I'm reminded of his immortal words... uh... well he must have... his wisdom lives o.. seriously? He said NOTHING? Wow. We lost an amazingly expensive male prostitute."
Friday, September 23, 2011
I'm just saying...
Why do people keep going on about Jacqueline Kennedy? It's not like she ever submitted anyone in the Octagon. ...other than Gore Vidal, but who hasn't?
People who put down 'The Vagina Monologues' are just participating in a smear campaign.
Does no one remember when Fonzie donned a pair of Moccasins to dance with Joanie?! I'm sorry, but the shark jump pales in comparison.
Just want to be clear. Chaz Bono was criticized for going on 'Dancing With The Stars' because some people feel he's not really a man? Not the 'not really a star' thing? Or the 'not really a show worth watching' thing?
Amy Winehouse died. Oh, I know it's old news, but on the off chance any of her friends visited earth recently I just wanted to let them know too.
Anyone know how Papua New Guinea is doing these days? They've been pretty low key.
What with the breast implants, the svelte new body and the longer hair, I hardly recognized Matt Le Blanc in his new show 'Whitney', but there's no hiding that kind of talent.
I think Charlie Sheen said it best when he puked into his pillow. He should write a book.
Whenever I hear those kids singing 'Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?' all I hear is an Amber Alert gearing up.
Frankly I can't even picture a 'Ball Peeing Hammer' let alone want to buy one.
Hey does anyone else remember 'Groin Hair Cher' dolls? (am I spelling that right?)
At this point, if you want to stand out in the world of Rap, calling yourself 'Leonard' should work.
When did everyone start calling bird shit, 'fascinators'?
I understand their 'equal rights' argument but if we let women go topless, then 40 year old men are going to start demanding the same thing.
I can only assume 'Hewitt' is Gaelic for 'To Show Off Her Huge Knockers'.
I'm experienced enough to know that somewhere there's a repulsive little puke who's going to make me miss Justin Bieber.
Ironically I pray each night for help with my obsessive praying. So far no answer.
You don't want to know how many really disturbing sexual experiences had to take place for thousands of years for Gary Busey to exist to make it onto 'Celebrity Apprentice'.
Did you know a real princess can feel a pea under a stack of mattresses? Proving my point that they're all bitching unpleasable skanks.
It may not be appropriate, but I STILL think we should hold a 'He's Dead!' parade when Ashton Kutcher dies. Relax! We can have a black flowered float if you cry babies absolutely insist.
People who put down 'The Vagina Monologues' are just participating in a smear campaign.
Does no one remember when Fonzie donned a pair of Moccasins to dance with Joanie?! I'm sorry, but the shark jump pales in comparison.
Just want to be clear. Chaz Bono was criticized for going on 'Dancing With The Stars' because some people feel he's not really a man? Not the 'not really a star' thing? Or the 'not really a show worth watching' thing?
Amy Winehouse died. Oh, I know it's old news, but on the off chance any of her friends visited earth recently I just wanted to let them know too.
Anyone know how Papua New Guinea is doing these days? They've been pretty low key.
What with the breast implants, the svelte new body and the longer hair, I hardly recognized Matt Le Blanc in his new show 'Whitney', but there's no hiding that kind of talent.
I think Charlie Sheen said it best when he puked into his pillow. He should write a book.
Whenever I hear those kids singing 'Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?' all I hear is an Amber Alert gearing up.
Frankly I can't even picture a 'Ball Peeing Hammer' let alone want to buy one.
Hey does anyone else remember 'Groin Hair Cher' dolls? (am I spelling that right?)
At this point, if you want to stand out in the world of Rap, calling yourself 'Leonard' should work.
When did everyone start calling bird shit, 'fascinators'?
I understand their 'equal rights' argument but if we let women go topless, then 40 year old men are going to start demanding the same thing.
I can only assume 'Hewitt' is Gaelic for 'To Show Off Her Huge Knockers'.
I'm experienced enough to know that somewhere there's a repulsive little puke who's going to make me miss Justin Bieber.
Ironically I pray each night for help with my obsessive praying. So far no answer.
You don't want to know how many really disturbing sexual experiences had to take place for thousands of years for Gary Busey to exist to make it onto 'Celebrity Apprentice'.
Did you know a real princess can feel a pea under a stack of mattresses? Proving my point that they're all bitching unpleasable skanks.
It may not be appropriate, but I STILL think we should hold a 'He's Dead!' parade when Ashton Kutcher dies. Relax! We can have a black flowered float if you cry babies absolutely insist.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
I call it a 'blog' so no one thinks I have Twitter Diarrhea... but I do.
"Tragic news today about the young woman who went missing 3 weeks ago. Her ship was found crashed on an deserted planet, and after an intense search, rescuers found both her and her eggs dead at the scene. Authorities are looking for an Alien reputed to be an earthing who has blood for acid. Police are asking the public to stay in their homes as they investigate this horrible scene of carnage. Becky Miller was 425." - Alien newscast
I've sent a form letter to all my creditors. It reads, "Dear creditor, in an effort to streamline my bill paying process, I've decided not to pay you anymore. If this is acceptable to you please respond with a letter stamped 'Past Due'. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter, yours truly, etc. etc."
With Oprah off the air, how am I going to know which celebrity is in denial now?
I have Fridays off, so I decided to go to Mcdonald's for breakfast. There was an uncountable number of overweight welfare recipients matched by an equal number of fit laborers in their coveralls.
I totally get 'Middle Child' syndrome now.
Divorce can be hard on children. That's why I feel so strongly that they shouldn't be allowed to marry until they're at least 12.
I don't like to disparage the dead, but I don't think that girl 'trained' her Killer Whale very well.
"OMG! NO WAY! But that's our PEE!" - Bee teenager learning about the birds and the humans.
Did anyone stop to think that maybe Gadhafi just needs a hug? I'll bet we could build a powerful machine that could do that at well over 1,000 pounds per square inch.
Hey, you don't know if you don't try, right?
I pity the day nurse when Jim Carrey gets Alzheimer's.
Why does every woman who gets cheek implants look like every other woman who gets cheek implants?
(And a freak, but I don't think that part's a mystery.)
I'm going to share something very private with you, because I feel I can.
Every time a rock hits me in my chest, it breaks my heart.
I've already thought up a celebrity couple name for when Paris Hilton gets a new boyfriend!
'Dumb and Dumber'.
I've sent a form letter to all my creditors. It reads, "Dear creditor, in an effort to streamline my bill paying process, I've decided not to pay you anymore. If this is acceptable to you please respond with a letter stamped 'Past Due'. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter, yours truly, etc. etc."
With Oprah off the air, how am I going to know which celebrity is in denial now?
I have Fridays off, so I decided to go to Mcdonald's for breakfast. There was an uncountable number of overweight welfare recipients matched by an equal number of fit laborers in their coveralls.
I totally get 'Middle Child' syndrome now.
Divorce can be hard on children. That's why I feel so strongly that they shouldn't be allowed to marry until they're at least 12.
I don't like to disparage the dead, but I don't think that girl 'trained' her Killer Whale very well.
"OMG! NO WAY! But that's our PEE!" - Bee teenager learning about the birds and the humans.
Did anyone stop to think that maybe Gadhafi just needs a hug? I'll bet we could build a powerful machine that could do that at well over 1,000 pounds per square inch.
Hey, you don't know if you don't try, right?
I pity the day nurse when Jim Carrey gets Alzheimer's.
Why does every woman who gets cheek implants look like every other woman who gets cheek implants?
(And a freak, but I don't think that part's a mystery.)
I'm going to share something very private with you, because I feel I can.
Every time a rock hits me in my chest, it breaks my heart.
I've already thought up a celebrity couple name for when Paris Hilton gets a new boyfriend!
'Dumb and Dumber'.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
THIS blog now comes with scrubbing bubbles!
"We've had a working theory on how untalented people can become successful for years, but we haven't published because there's a HUGE ongoing debate over whether to call it the the 'Jonas Brothers' or 'Taylor Swift' Principle." - Scientists
I'd like to write a tribute song for Elton John but it's like the man JUST WON'T DIE!!
I'll take this one Tea Baggers.
By blaming man for this supposed 'extreme weather' we're letting Satan off the hook! It's World War II all over again... yw.
So, guess who had the sexual experience of a lifetime last night? Nope, not me. Guess again.
I'm not a religious man, but lately I've been kneeling down to pray. I realize now, it's going to take Divine intervention to ease Jennifer Anniston off the stage.
Say what you want about Oprah, ...seriously.
Whatever happened to 'working hard for an honest dollar'?! My dollars SAY they'll cover my bills, but they never do. Liars!
I assume people who spend the day at 'the Spa' don't understand how good binge drinking can feel.
Yeah, I got taken. 'Run for the Pedicure' should have been the tip off.
I've begun positioning myself for what's coming, by mentioning to people that for just 'pennies a day' they can already buy me a coffee.
Know what's fun? Yelling 'Shut up Fred!' at a Monster Truck Rally & then just sitting back to watch the fights.
Maybe I'm a musical 'purist' but it's all been shit since 'Green Sleeves'.
If they ever DO find intelligent life out in the cosmos, can we PLEASE give it a couple of days before hitting them with telemarketing?!
I'd like to write a tribute song for Elton John but it's like the man JUST WON'T DIE!!
I'll take this one Tea Baggers.
By blaming man for this supposed 'extreme weather' we're letting Satan off the hook! It's World War II all over again... yw.
So, guess who had the sexual experience of a lifetime last night? Nope, not me. Guess again.
I'm not a religious man, but lately I've been kneeling down to pray. I realize now, it's going to take Divine intervention to ease Jennifer Anniston off the stage.
Say what you want about Oprah, ...seriously.
Whatever happened to 'working hard for an honest dollar'?! My dollars SAY they'll cover my bills, but they never do. Liars!
I assume people who spend the day at 'the Spa' don't understand how good binge drinking can feel.
Yeah, I got taken. 'Run for the Pedicure' should have been the tip off.
I've begun positioning myself for what's coming, by mentioning to people that for just 'pennies a day' they can already buy me a coffee.
Know what's fun? Yelling 'Shut up Fred!' at a Monster Truck Rally & then just sitting back to watch the fights.
Maybe I'm a musical 'purist' but it's all been shit since 'Green Sleeves'.
If they ever DO find intelligent life out in the cosmos, can we PLEASE give it a couple of days before hitting them with telemarketing?!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Too many tweets too little time (in solitary)
Prosecutor: "Sir, did you or did you not counsel the victim not to run, and indeed, say just prior to the stabbing, and I quote, 'This kind of trouble is lots of fun'?
(Court room erupts in shock)
Judge: "Order! Order! I will clear this courtroom if there are any further outbursts!"
Witness: "Sob! I was so sure he was going to pop a six..."
The Hasboro Trial of the Century continues to rivet a nation.
"I remember when Rock was young." - Elton John
"Right back at you, Elton." - Rock
"You don't just 'jump' into the movie business. It takes years and years of being pretty." - Orlando Bloom
I'll bet Jennifer Love Hewitt sees a LOT of her career these days. Hope she can get it to go into the light.
"There's a whole swath of Twilight Films that make us wish we COULD, though. Heh Heh." - Elephants.
Give Brad 10 more years and Brangelina will FINALLY have some kick ass tits.
I suppose my Ivy eating started because of a kid I knew. Really bad influence. Now I'm eating Ivy before my feet even hit the floor in the morning.
Whenever I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, I think 'There but for the grace of an inked TV deal'.
I'm not trying to 'start' anything with Cyndi Lauper, but anorexia, getting breast implants & marrying 98 year olds doesn't sound like fun to me.
I bet I spend anywhere from 3 to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week in the Jim. No, that's not a typo, he's HUGE & his intestine is like a maze! It's good clean... well, good fun.
The girl in my pinup poster keeps getting younger. This isn't going to end well for Betty White.
(Court room erupts in shock)
Judge: "Order! Order! I will clear this courtroom if there are any further outbursts!"
Witness: "Sob! I was so sure he was going to pop a six..."
The Hasboro Trial of the Century continues to rivet a nation.
"I remember when Rock was young." - Elton John
"Right back at you, Elton." - Rock
"You don't just 'jump' into the movie business. It takes years and years of being pretty." - Orlando Bloom
I'll bet Jennifer Love Hewitt sees a LOT of her career these days. Hope she can get it to go into the light.
"There's a whole swath of Twilight Films that make us wish we COULD, though. Heh Heh." - Elephants.
Give Brad 10 more years and Brangelina will FINALLY have some kick ass tits.
I suppose my Ivy eating started because of a kid I knew. Really bad influence. Now I'm eating Ivy before my feet even hit the floor in the morning.
Whenever I watch Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, I think 'There but for the grace of an inked TV deal'.
I'm not trying to 'start' anything with Cyndi Lauper, but anorexia, getting breast implants & marrying 98 year olds doesn't sound like fun to me.
I bet I spend anywhere from 3 to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week in the Jim. No, that's not a typo, he's HUGE & his intestine is like a maze! It's good clean... well, good fun.
The girl in my pinup poster keeps getting younger. This isn't going to end well for Betty White.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)