Sunday, April 17, 2011

Lesser Known Historical Quotes

Of course, there are famous quotes throughout history. But what about the lesser known ones? Myself, I think we can learn a great deal from the reactions of people in the past to the less profound (or known) moments. The REAL meat and potatoes, if you will.

In fact, I, and my crack team of 700 operatives have spent the last 5 years unearthing the most astonishing (and some would argue, useless) quotes from history. This, we do for you. Feel free to express your thanks via credit card or money order. To quote Egypt's first known architect, Imhotep, "No cash please, it hasn't been invented yet."

See how relevant these quotes can be? So sit back, grab a coffee (or beer, if it's after 10am where you are) and be prepared to get a little bit smarter. You're welcome.


"After their blatant disregard for the entire process, the Von Trapps have been barred from future singing competitions." - Adolph Hitler (with the full support of the Vienna Idol panel).

"Oh God, here comes the town council! Take the vaseline, chicken carcass, torn panties and leather mask and hide behind the house! They've seen this damned kite with the key on it, so I'll stay and come up with some frickin' explanation. GO!" - Benjamin Franklin

"Sir, that's your 10th free sample. I'm going to have to ask you to either buy something or leave." Supermarket manager to Ghandi

"Okay be very careful, but I'm ready for the second knuckle. OW!! Back it up! Back it... no wait, okay, it's okay. Give me a second. Alright, now ask me to divulge secrets in a German accent." - Winston Churchill

"Yes son, I DO realize he could have built this Ark in the blink of an eye. Hand me another #%$#! plank and shut the @#&! up already!" - Noah

"Life is good. I'm getting a HUGE payout from Rome for my trouble and I'm going to bask on the beach forev... OH MY RA! NOBODY MOVE! It's an asp! I'll get it, but you all need to be VERY still. That includes you Parkinsonskamun!" - Cleopatra

"Your son will join the army. He'll achieve HUGE success before the age of 25 and be retired by 40. The world will remember him as the greatest Five Star General who has ever lived Mr. and Mrs. Sanders!" - Worst medium in history

"Of course you should buy that plane, John John. Remember, we're Kennedys, nothing happens to us." - Ted during another jag.

"My grade 12 education tells me I should be fine as Monarch. As long as I take good care to raise my puppies, all will be well. Hmmm? Oh, yes. Ha ha, I mean babies." - Elizabeth II

"Oh no. I FINALLY get a chance to rid the world of Mary Todd Lincoln and my eye twitch starts acting up again. Luck don't fail me now!" - John Wilkes Booth

"It's simple Ahmed. If, and that's a big if, Gadhafi turns out to be a mistake, we vote him out at the NEXT election. Now come on, let's go vote." - All Libyans Not Named Ahmed.

"A NINE?! Are you serious?! Listen, Suki, at that point, how well we've built these Nuclear Reactors will be the LEAST of our problems. A nine. PFFFFTTTT! Does anyone have any REALISTIC concerns?" - Head architect of the new Fukushima Daiichi Reactor project.

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