A quick recap for you on the news this year and then we'll begin.
Rich people had relationship problems and/or babies this year.
There was unrest in every country that had more poor people than middle class, except for China which doesn't have middle class (duh!).
The opposition party in every country disagreed vehemently with the ruling party's decisions.
Several irrelevant old people died and we all pretended they impacted our lives. Would have been far more poignant if we'd been able to spell their names right. Which reminds me, RIP Betty Fjord.
As always, that incorrigible imp Mohamar Gadhafi kept us laughing to forget our troubles. Love u Mo Mo!
We all got poorer AND an iPad!
Okay, I think you're up to speed. Now we can start.
First, please understand this is difficult for me. I have a shy keyboard and find it tough to type while you're watching. No no! I HAVE to get through this, I just want you to be aware... uh, my 'i's are up here by the way...
Don't blame the government for your tax woes, blame...
okay, okay, still working on this one but I hope to throw in Britney Spears for old time's sake (and it's not like she's busy).
SIR Mick Jagger?! I sincerely doubt he can lift a 15lb sword let alone ride a horse. If ever the Queen needed a wake up call about her heroin problem, huh? (By the way, that's an RT from the Pope's account, in case you thought I was stealing tweets.)
Saw an old SNL last night with Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson hosting. 'Dumb' is so much cuter when it's coupled with 'thin'. And by 'cuter' I mean 'more ignorable'.
I have this recurring nightmare that I am at a Justin Bieber at 50 concert. He's fine, but the audience jumping up and down, and the loose hair on the floor... Oh God! I'm cold sweating again.
When people tell me I'm so funny they laughed until they fell off their dinosaur, I think they're lying. I don't say anything, of course, but come on! Isn't it illegal to import those things now?
Every time something bad happens to Aretha Franklin I just want to give her a big hug.
But she's not exactly making it easy.
Apparently I'm 'Team Didn't Get Around To Watching Any Of The Vampire Movies And Can Live With.... See Next T-Shirt'. TDGATWAOFTVMACLWI RULES WOOOOOO!
"I know it seems like the end of the world now. But you'll find someone new and guess what? He'll be worth the wait." - what I like to write in teen girls' diaries after I break into their homes while the family's at a restaurant. I guess I'm just an old softy.
Why aren't OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony buying group Lottery Tickets together?!?! Crazy. Just crazy.
Can't get rid of those pesky last 50 pounds? Go to Wal-Mart.
You'll feel like a Super Model.
Here's a secret. The trendiest restaurant in town, isn't. You're just stupid.
I used to dream that I would grow up and become a world famous anything.
1 out of 2 aint bad, right?
I hardly think I'm going to date someone who looks like me. I deserve better than that.
Isn't it weird how accurate the 70 lb itch thing is? 7 years/70 lbs... potato/potawto
How bad is my home?! My Chia Pet hasn't come back.
Anyone notice how it's only the living that say Sharks have a bad reputation?
Of course I fear Polygamy. Look what the Osmonds did with only ONE wife!
People who love 'collections' are more than welcome to come look over my bills and take what they want. But PLEASE! The car payments and tickets are a set, don't ask me to break them up.
The recipe for a female superstar: Look like women THINK is sexy to a man but have a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a way of making the mundane things in life funny. OR, look sexy to a man. Boom you're done.
The recipe for a male superstar: Look sexy to a woman but have a great personality, an infectious laugh, and a way of making the mundane things in life funny. OR say something cool after you punch someone. Boom you're done.
Do the producers of 'Dancing With The Stars' even KNOW the median surface temperature of a star like our sun?! It's suicide!
Their tweets pretty much guarantee they won't ever have the chance, but it's still fun to read what all these guys on Twitter would do with a girl.
On a Justin Bieber scale where 1 Justin means 'Totally' and 10 Justins mean 'Totally, like FOREVER totally!' where would you rate yourself? - Just working on questions for my big Tiger Beat interview with Jaden Smith.