"Tragic news today about the young woman who went missing 3 weeks ago. Her ship was found crashed on an deserted planet, and after an intense search, rescuers found both her and her eggs dead at the scene. Authorities are looking for an Alien reputed to be an earthing who has blood for acid. Police are asking the public to stay in their homes as they investigate this horrible scene of carnage. Becky Miller was 425." - Alien newscast
I've sent a form letter to all my creditors. It reads, "Dear creditor, in an effort to streamline my bill paying process, I've decided not to pay you anymore. If this is acceptable to you please respond with a letter stamped 'Past Due'. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter, yours truly, etc. etc."
With Oprah off the air, how am I going to know which celebrity is in denial now?
I have Fridays off, so I decided to go to Mcdonald's for breakfast. There was an uncountable number of overweight welfare recipients matched by an equal number of fit laborers in their coveralls.
I totally get 'Middle Child' syndrome now.
Divorce can be hard on children. That's why I feel so strongly that they shouldn't be allowed to marry until they're at least 12.
I don't like to disparage the dead, but I don't think that girl 'trained' her Killer Whale very well.
"OMG! NO WAY! But that's our PEE!" - Bee teenager learning about the birds and the humans.
Did anyone stop to think that maybe Gadhafi just needs a hug? I'll bet we could build a powerful machine that could do that at well over 1,000 pounds per square inch.
Hey, you don't know if you don't try, right?
I pity the day nurse when Jim Carrey gets Alzheimer's.
Why does every woman who gets cheek implants look like every other woman who gets cheek implants?
(And a freak, but I don't think that part's a mystery.)
I'm going to share something very private with you, because I feel I can.
Every time a rock hits me in my chest, it breaks my heart.
I've already thought up a celebrity couple name for when Paris Hilton gets a new boyfriend!
'Dumb and Dumber'.