Wisdom isn't earned, it's stolen... Oh hey, that's good! Thanks Maya...

"Aaaaaanother Saturday night and I aint got nobodyyyyyy!"
Wait... that's been made into a song?

If I could ask Celine Dion only one question? Wow! That's a toughie.
Probably something like, "Could you go away now?"
Oooh! Does it have to be only one?!

As a fat man I like to rate things on a scale of 1 to 10 buckets of chicken. Sorry, I meant on a scale WITH 1 to 10 buckets of chicken.

Hey William Shatner. Pick a show and stick with it for God's sake!

I'm disappointed my candlelight vigil to protect bees from being exploited by the wax industry turned out to be so ironic.

Not one person from just 150 years ago is alive today. Try to remember that the next time you're feeling cocky.

Of course I know it's spelled Pilates. I just thought it was pronounced Potatoes.
FYI my course has been cancelled until further notice.

Whenever I hear the saying 'Every time God closes a door, he opens a window' I wonder why he doesn't just sit on the veranda.

I'd like to remind all you people who laugh at Justin Bieber that you laughed at Sean Cassidy too.
(You know, it sounded better in my head.)

I'm beginning to think saving all these 'Team Coco' shirts for my big Summer Flea Market wasn't such a good idea.

Hey, sourpuss. Remember a sideways frown emoticon is just a reverse sideways smile emoticon!
I gotta say, the internet is just KILLING 'annoyingly perky'!

It's true, a Crabapple a day keeps the doctor who should have retired years ago away.

Anyone else notice Maya Angelou's poem for Oprah was just the word 'Oprah' 100 times? And she STILL had to read it from a piece of paper!

I would never have encouraged Betty White if I'd thought she'd live this long.

I think it's wonderful that Prince William found a girl who loves him for himself.
Oh and look! A Unicorn!

What did you think 'A little less jaw and a little more booby' meant when he talked in his sleep Maria?!

We loved Julia Roberts in ONE movie. Just how in denial is Hollywood anyway?

When I was a child, my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be.
Yet still I'm a human!

I only have one rule when cooking. SLIDE the dollops of lard into the deep fryer because grease burns hurt like a summabitch and NO salad is worth that.