You're about to learn more in one reading, than you probably have learned in an entire Enquirer. I don't do this to be called a saint. I don't do this to be called a great man. But it would be nice, you know? Anyhoo, enjoy my questionably valid list of things I'll bet you didn't know.
Did you know 'to town' is Latin for 'in your hair'? Enjoy next Christmas.
Did you know that for every trillion trimmed off the US debt, Angelina Jolie has vowed to gain a pound?
Did you know Brad Pitt just rolls his eyes when she tells anyone?
Did you know Dionne Warwick KNEW how to get to San Jose all along? (Bitch)
Did you know that I know that you know I know? Cause I didn't.
Did you know Truffles are tree fungus? Or that the French made a bet on how stupid we are? And that they won?
Did you know that if you lined up every person living right now side by side, we'd want to choke each other in 5 minutes?
Did you know Julia Roberts wasn't the first choice for 'Pretty Woman'? At least not mine.
Did you know a full grown Great White Shark has only one natural enemy? Himself, when he tries to make small talk at the bar.
Did you know that the ancient Mayans were predicting their own demise? Or that they were overly optimistic? 2012? In your dreams Mayans! Booya!
Did you know Lucille Ball? You're old.
Did you know that saying 'God was watching out for me' is kinda slapping the face of everyone else who died on the plane?
Did you know Rome had Vomitoriums? And that they needed them because their politicians were all corrupt, selfish bastards who ruined their civilization?
Did you know Vomitoriums are making a comeback?
Did you know that when the 'e' is silent, it's just being passive aggressive?
Did you know that Luke Skywalker is just Jesus Waterwalker upside down?
Did you know every celebrity who dies on a downswing was on the verge of a comeback?
Did you know Danny Bonaducci has apparently been dying for 43 years?
Did you know Morgan Freeman's real name is Morgan Fairchild?
Did you know that if you accidentally spill Proactive on a pizza it turns into a pretty teen girl?
Did you know if you play any Bjork song backwards you're finally hearing it right?
Did you know Lee Majors wasn't really bionic? Then you're one up on Farrah.
Did you know William Shatner is Gaelic for Bill Poopedner?
Did you know that abstinence in the third trimester of a pregnancy is kind of a given? At least for men.
Congratulations, you are now smart enough to be on 'Celebrity Apprentice'. But I'm sure you already knew that.