Saturday, May 26, 2012

In The Loop - Celebrity News From Around That Testicle Shaped Thing We Live On

Hello children. Sit back and buckle up because it's been tres busy in Hollywood this week and your intrepid reporter was there for it all, to make sure you, my lovely bunch of Coconuts, are as always - In The Loop!

My spies tell me that Charlie Sheen has hired Brett Butler to be on his new show. Finally SOMEONE has decided to take on ratings giant, Celebrity Rehab!

Jennifer Love Hewitt declares war on a successful career, apparently. The oh, so beautiful 'Ghost Whisperer' star is telling friends she intends to take a well deserved hiatus. And by 'friends' I mean people walking past her as she asks for change.

"Will we ever get back together? God, I hope so. Seriously. Just say the word." - every ex-cast member of Friends, Seinfeld, & Frasier that I've spoken to. "Let them know I've got rooms to rent out until that happens," says Willie 'Never Miss An Opportunity' Aames.

"She's still a Diva!" claims hospital staff who care for Zsa Zsa Gabor. My hospital insiders tell me that the 95 year old star absolutely refuses to speak to 'underlings' which is Gabor-speak for anyone conscious. You Go Zsa!

My sources have discovered that James Cameron is planning a trip to North Carolina! Is there NO WHERE that fearless Billionaire won't explore?!

Beloved children's entertainer and legend, 'Tweetie Bird' has been admitted to hospital for 'exhaustion', according to his publicist. That's not what I've heard though... I'm not one to tell tales, but the 'Looney Tunes' bird has apparently been seen doing Hollywood's latest craze, Designer Seed.

Major scare backstage at American Idol when it was discovered some whackjob snuck in, looking to 'off a celebrity'. Fortunately for everyone there, it WAS American Idol and he ended up leaving after a couple of hours, frustrated & disappointed - like the rest of us.

"I'm back!" claims a jubilant Roseanne for like, the umpteenth time. Insiders are just ignoring her now.

Hollywood galpals Jennifer Anniston and Chelsea Handler were seen cracking everyone up at local hotspot, La Vivienda on Saturday. "They were hilarious," said one patron, "They kept acting like they were young & desirable. We just couldn't stop laughing!"

The buzz these days is all about Will Smith backhanding that kissy reporter. Sources close to the reporter tell me that Will tasted like Tom Cruise. Coincidence?

Where Are They Now Dept.: 'D' List star Scott Baio is telling anyone who'll listen that he's still relevant. But things got ugly when the latest person turned around and was none other than Paris Hilton! Seems she ALSO got a job at the till at McDonalds. Will these two egos be able to work together, or will it turn into another dust up like last years Alyssa Milano/Brian Dunkleman Fries Station Fracas? Stay tuned!

Heaven announces 'Golden Girls' reunion! "We're just waiting for you know who," said a diplomatic St. Peter.

Gloria Allred set to represent the Killer Whale that killed it's trainer. "It's either that or another Saturday night at home. Alone. And I just can't... I can't..." said a surprisingly honest Ms. Allred.

Donny & Marie are still wowing 'em! At least in Donnie's finished basement as they perform for family members before dinner. "I think 'wowing' might be a little much," said a family spokesperson.

Legendary Tough Guys, Clint Eastwood & Chuck Norris are planning to get together to 'just dish, do each other's hair & maybe have a little wine.' Age certainly hasn't slowed these two down!

Well, that's enough for one week of celebrity news! Be sure to come back next week to see if I've uncovered the truth behind the rumor of a feud between Angelina Jolie's show offy right leg and it's low keyed partner, who's said to be absolutely livid over the Oscar night kerfuffle!

Till next time kiddies!

1 comment:

  1. Great work once again sir! I can just picture you tailing the celebrities in your Kia. Keep up the good work and let's all pray that that Golden Girls reunion happens sooner rather than later.