As you can imagine, the media started calling me almost immediately after we lost Whitney to get my reaction. Like the rest of us, I was unprepared for the news and I think my quotes were rather slipshod. I still cringe when they play my CNN quote,
'What Aretha said goes double for me... but please, Lord Jesus, in half the time."
Or my MSNBC snippet, 'Get ready Heaven, here come the runs!"
I don't care what my scale says, I'm only one man! And I can make mistakes. So, in order for this to never happen again, I've prepared my 'surprised comments' for most of my Hollywood friends so that I will never again have to say to Piers Brosnan, "Who the hell are you? Put Larry on!"
Below are my 'from the heart, first gut reactions' to news that we've lost another of my dear Hollywood friends far too soon... you know, eventually.
I hope it brings a tear to your eye as much as it did to my staff who cried like babies over each one (except that one guy who didn't and I fired).
Bless you all, and enjoy...
Either Olson Twin:
"OMG! No! Which one? Not the less psychotic one. Oh Dear God, PLEASE not the less psychotic one! I'm sorry, I'm too devastated to listen to your answer."
"I blame the Ham industry for this. Have we learned NOTHING since we lost Mama Cass?! Hmmm? Yes, I'll be singing the tribute, but not from her catalog. I prefer Stevie Wonder. Goodbye my Aretha, you will forever be Ebony and Ivory to me."
"Seriously? HOW many years ago? Wow."
Queen Elizabeth II:
"I prefer to remember her back when she was just a struggling Princess with big dreams."
"She brought laughter to millions. I remember peeing my pants after her twenty third surgery."
"NO! Not Janice too!?! Janet. Whatever."
"Oops I've got another call, can you hold?"
Sir Paul McCartney:
"He showed us all how to thwart Satan by selling your soul here on earth. Rest In Peace, you dear, ugly man."
"People lining up to pee on his corpse is rather distasteful. But let me be clear here! I'm only guessing about the taste."
Dolly Parton and/or Kenny Rogers:
"Their music will live forever, much like their skin."
Lisa Marie Presley:
She proved, rather eloquently I think, what I said at her Dad's funeral. There will never be another like him."
Bebe or Cece Winans:
"My thoughts are with Dede through Zeze at this devastating time."
"I hope all the haters out there are happy now! Cause I sure am."
"I see her as an Angel now. All those feathers, and the back hair... no, it's too horrible to contemplate."
"My heart is too full to say anything other than what my dear friend Maya Angelou has already said, 'Strength', followed by the single word 'Oprah' 187 times for some reason. Yeah. I think they did 'it'."
"I'm waiting for a Pizza delivery & can't tie up the line."
"I have proof in this envelope that the man in that casket is NOT the corpse!"
"Even without her feet, she really bloated up there at the end."
Any American Idol:
"I'm reminded of his immortal words... uh... well he must have... his wisdom lives o.. seriously? He said NOTHING? Wow. We lost an amazingly expensive male prostitute."