Friday, February 17, 2012

The Importance of Being Prepared: Eulogy Edition

As you can imagine, the media started calling me almost immediately after we lost Whitney to get my reaction. Like the rest of us, I was unprepared for the news and I think my quotes were rather slipshod. I still cringe when they play my CNN quote,
'What Aretha said goes double for me... but please, Lord Jesus, in half the time."
Or my MSNBC snippet, 'Get ready Heaven, here come the runs!"

I don't care what my scale says, I'm only one man! And I can make mistakes. So, in order for this to never happen again, I've prepared my 'surprised comments' for most of my Hollywood friends so that I will never again have to say to Piers Brosnan, "Who the hell are you? Put Larry on!"

Below are my 'from the heart, first gut reactions' to news that we've lost another of my dear Hollywood friends far too soon... you know, eventually.

I hope it brings a tear to your eye as much as it did to my staff who cried like babies over each one (except that one guy who didn't and I fired).

Bless you all, and enjoy...

Either Olson Twin:

"OMG! No! Which one? Not the less psychotic one. Oh Dear God, PLEASE not the less psychotic one! I'm sorry, I'm too devastated to listen to your answer."

Aretha Franklin:

"I blame the Ham industry for this. Have we learned NOTHING since we lost Mama Cass?! Hmmm? Yes, I'll be singing the tribute, but not from her catalog. I prefer Stevie Wonder. Goodbye my Aretha, you will forever be Ebony and Ivory to me."

Corey Haim:

"Seriously? HOW many years ago? Wow."

Queen Elizabeth II:

"I prefer to remember her back when she was just a struggling Princess with big dreams."

Joan Rivers:

"She brought laughter to millions. I remember peeing my pants after her twenty third surgery."

Janet Jackson:

"NO! Not Janice too!?! Janet. Whatever."

Mariah Carey:

"Oops I've got another call, can you hold?"

Sir Paul McCartney:

"He showed us all how to thwart Satan by selling your soul here on earth. Rest In Peace, you dear, ugly man."

 Donald Trump:

"People lining up to pee on his corpse is rather distasteful. But let me be clear here! I'm only guessing about the taste."

Betty White:


Dolly Parton and/or Kenny Rogers:

"Their music will live forever, much like their skin."

Lisa Marie Presley:

She proved, rather eloquently I think, what I said at her Dad's funeral. There will never be another like him."

Bebe or Cece Winans:

"My thoughts are with Dede through Zeze at this devastating time."

Paris Hilton:

"I hope all the haters out there are happy now! Cause I sure am."

Kim Kardashian:

"I see her as an Angel now. All those feathers, and the back hair... no, it's too horrible to contemplate."

Oprah Winfrey:

"My heart is too full to say anything other than what my dear friend Maya Angelou has already said, 'Strength', followed by the single word 'Oprah' 187 times for some reason. Yeah. I think they did 'it'."

Carly Simon:

"I'm waiting for a Pizza delivery & can't tie up the line."

Maury Povitch:

"I have proof in this envelope that the man in that casket is NOT the corpse!"

Paula Deen:

"Even without her feet, she really bloated up there at the end."

Any American Idol:


Brad Pitt:

"I'm reminded of his immortal words... uh... well he must have... his wisdom lives o.. seriously? He said NOTHING? Wow. We lost an amazingly expensive male prostitute."


  1. Another great blog! I'm pretty sure that when Bebe and Cece pass, Dede and Zeze will take it hard, and will likely end up in AA.

  2. Hee Hee! (See what I did there? Besides steal your joke format, I mean?)