Saturday, October 27, 2012

The BCDarr Interviews

Those of you who have followed my career from the beginning know that just before the Ernest Borgnine/Jackie O/Me threesome scandal broke, I had hopes of being an interviewer. Naturally, after becoming a Media Darling I wasn't able to pursue my dream, but things have finally settled down.

Like Barbara Walters, I too have an annual 'Hottest' show where I interview the shakers and their movers (you'd be amazed at the how many of them hire out of the papers) who made the current year what it was. In this case, (okay at this point read with a Barbara Walters accent, 'kay?) the year was 2012. The people. Slightly drunk. The goal? To find 5 women with their own... Oh, sorry. (Drop the accent or I'll get lost).
Any old hoo, here are some excerpts from my year end show. Enjoy!


Me: Brad, first of all thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit with me today.

Brad: Sunset.

Me: Ha Ha. So true. Now, I understand you've become a spokesperson for Chanel No. 5. What inspired you to do that?

Brad: The wind blowing your shirt away from your body.

Me: You're back on the drugs aren't you?

Brad: Searching for the key to a soul that was never locked.

Me: Anyone know where I put Dr. Drew's number?

Brad: Kadoinka doink.



Me: I'm sorry guys, there must have been some mistake. You haven't been someone for years.

Brother #2: We thought it was a little weird when the phone rang.

Me: Tommy? Who's doing the screening? (To the camera) We'll be right back.


Me: Governor, you're now considered a 'contender' in this year's Presidential race, after being written off early on. What happened?

Mitt: I just started lying and the next thing I knew, I had momentum. Truly amazing.

Me:  Lying?

Mitt:  Yes. It's like a magic genie!

Me: Which brings me to your religion...


Me: When did you last poop?

Ann: People have to understand. It's hard!

Me: When?

Ann: Wow. You're making this so hard.

Me: When?

Ann: (Sigh) 16 years ago. Right after I had Snoot.

Me:  Here's a laxative. Go on, we'll wait.

{16 hours later}

Me: OMG! Look how pretty you are now!

Ann: {Giggling} Thanks! I feel like a schoolgirl again!

Me: Now, let's talk about the hair...


Me: Taylor thank you for being here.

Taylor: OMG! Who said that?

Me:  Sweetie? You need to turn your chair around.

Taylor:  Oh. There you are! Wow! That was scary.

Me:  Why can't you hold on to a man?

Taylor:  {Giggle} You'll have to buy my next album.

Me: {Desperate to get off THAT topic} You're so pretty.

Taylor: Thanks!

Me:  Yet you come across like a gangly teen boy. What's your secret?

Taylor:  Just bad genes, I guess. Tee Hee.

Me:  Walk me back to 25 years ago.

Taylor: I wasn't born then.

Me: I know...


Me: You cheated on your wife.

Arnold: Please! I'm not here to discuss that. Everyone knows that whole story. I'm here to discuss my book.

Me: Okay, let's talk about Chapter 12: I Cheated On Maria.

Arnold: Much better, thank you. I started cheating on her when...


Me: Madonna, great to see you again. What's it like being a super hot rock star?

Madonna: How the hell would I know?

Me:  Okay, let's talk about the pressure of being in the limelight AND being a full time mother of 4 rambunctious 40 year olds.

Madonna: I should have douched before coming.

Me:  We'll get to that in a moment, but first, let's make sure you're strapped safely in that scooter. Oops, you dropped your teeth. Tommy? Can we get some help?


Me: Hello your Royal Highness. Nice to meet you.

PH: I'm sorry, I don't shake hands.

Me: Is that a Royal Etiquette thing?

PH: No, I just need both to cup my genitals.

Me: Hmmm, both?

PH: {blushing} Better safe than sorry, what what?

Me: Okay. Let's start with the obvious question. Do these jeans make me look fat?

and of course...


Me:  Hello Ann. Welcome.


Me:  We'll be right back after I get the blood out of my ears & this message from our sponsors.

I hope you enjoyed the titillating teasings I've offered up. It will be airing right before the Oscars... what? They're over? Seriously? But I thought... Well, another brilliant moment of TV ruined by scheduling. PFFFFFFTT!

Please join me next Oscar night to see me bring Maya Angelou to tears as we say 'Oprah' over and over again for the full 20 minute interview!

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant! Simply brilliant! I feel like I know these people. And now I really need a shower. You truly are a wealth of misinformation. WELL DONE!!