The BCDarr Interviews

Those of you who have followed my career from the beginning know that just before the Ernest Borgnine/Jackie O/Me threesome scandal broke, I had hopes of being an interviewer. Naturally, after becoming a Media Darling I wasn't able to pursue my dream, but things have finally settled down.

Like Barbara Walters, I too have an annual 'Hottest' show where I interview the shakers and their movers (you'd be amazed at the how many of them hire out of the papers) who made the current year what it was. In this case, (okay at this point read with a Barbara Walters accent, 'kay?) the year was 2012. The people. Slightly drunk. The goal? To find 5 women with their own... Oh, sorry. (Drop the accent or I'll get lost).
Any old hoo, here are some excerpts from my year end show. Enjoy!

BRAD PITT

Me: Brad, first of all thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit with me today.

Brad: Sunset.

Me: Ha Ha. So true. Now, I understand you've become a spokesperson for Chanel No. 5. What inspired you to do that?

Brad: The wind blowing your shirt away from your body.

Me: You're back on the drugs aren't you?

Brad: Searching for the key to a soul that was never locked.

Me: Anyone know where I put Dr. Drew's number?

Brad: Kadoinka doink.

Me: YAAAAGGGHH!! MY EYES!! HE JUST SPRAYED SOMETHING IN MY EYES!!

THE JONAS BROTHERS

Me: I'm sorry guys, there must have been some mistake. You haven't been someone for years.

Brother #2: We thought it was a little weird when the phone rang.

Me: Tommy? Who's doing the screening? (To the camera) We'll be right back.

MITT ROMNEY

Me: Governor, you're now considered a 'contender' in this year's Presidential race, after being written off early on. What happened?

Mitt: I just started lying and the next thing I knew, I had momentum. Truly amazing.

Me:  Lying?

Mitt:  Yes. It's like a magic genie!

Me: Which brings me to your religion...

ANN ROMNEY

Me: When did you last poop?

Ann: People have to understand. It's hard!

Me: When?

Ann: Wow. You're making this so hard.

Me: When?

Ann: (Sigh) 16 years ago. Right after I had Snoot.

Me:  Here's a laxative. Go on, we'll wait.

{16 hours later}

Me: OMG! Look how pretty you are now!

Ann: {Giggling} Thanks! I feel like a schoolgirl again!

Me: Now, let's talk about the hair...

TAYLOR SWIFT

Me: Taylor thank you for being here.

Taylor: OMG! Who said that?

Me:  Sweetie? You need to turn your chair around.

Taylor:  Oh. There you are! Wow! That was scary.

Me:  Why can't you hold on to a man?

Taylor:  {Giggle} You'll have to buy my next album.

Me: {Desperate to get off THAT topic} You're so pretty.

Taylor: Thanks!

Me:  Yet you come across like a gangly teen boy. What's your secret?

Taylor:  Just bad genes, I guess. Tee Hee.

Me:  Walk me back to 25 years ago.

Taylor: I wasn't born then.

Me: I know...

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Me: You cheated on your wife.

Arnold: Please! I'm not here to discuss that. Everyone knows that whole story. I'm here to discuss my book.

Me: Okay, let's talk about Chapter 12: I Cheated On Maria.

Arnold: Much better, thank you. I started cheating on her when...

MADONNA

Me: Madonna, great to see you again. What's it like being a super hot rock star?

Madonna: How the hell would I know?

Me:  Okay, let's talk about the pressure of being in the limelight AND being a full time mother of 4 rambunctious 40 year olds.

Madonna: I should have douched before coming.

Me:  We'll get to that in a moment, but first, let's make sure you're strapped safely in that scooter. Oops, you dropped your teeth. Tommy? Can we get some help?

PRINCE HARRY

Me: Hello your Royal Highness. Nice to meet you.

PH: I'm sorry, I don't shake hands.

Me: Is that a Royal Etiquette thing?

PH: No, I just need both to cup my genitals.

Me: Hmmm, both?

PH: {blushing} Better safe than sorry, what what?

Me: Okay. Let's start with the obvious question. Do these jeans make me look fat?

and of course...

ANN COULTER

Me:  Hello Ann. Welcome.

Ann:  SCRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Me:  We'll be right back after I get the blood out of my ears & this message from our sponsors.

I hope you enjoyed the titillating teasings I've offered up. It will be airing right before the Oscars... what? They're over? Seriously? But I thought... Well, another brilliant moment of TV ruined by scheduling. PFFFFFFTT!

Please join me next Oscar night to see me bring Maya Angelou to tears as we say 'Oprah' over and over again for the full 20 minute interview!

Yul Brynner, The Queen & I

"Pulling a Crawfie".

That's what the Royal family called the act of anyone close to them selling their memoirs. Queen Elizabeth II (then, Princess Lillibet)'s Governess, named Marion 'Crawfie' Crawford did just that and they never spoke to her again. That's one of the reasons Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother pulled me aside at a Taffy Pull competition to ask that I 'Set the record straight' by writing THE definitive Royal Family Memoir. The other reason was she never let an opportunity to touch my butt go by... dirty old woman, heh heh. If it wasn't for my need for a dominatrix, I'd have probably told her 'No'. But that day, I just wasn't interested in the whole red ball strapped into my mouth thing. Anyway... here are some randomly selected blurbs from my runaway bestseller 'Yul Brynner, The Queen, & I'.

Frankly it's kind of a relief to be able to share my most intimate stories with you (e-mail me if you want some nudie pics). Enjoy!


"... are you sure Lillibet? Your knuckle is pretty big," I said with some trepidation, but she was adamant. I felt so sorry for that equerry...

"... let Princess Whatever Her Name Is do it," I said. I'd always had a soft spot for the younger sister, or whatever she was.

...was just the way the Queen Mother was. Always looking to give a lap dance...

...The Pope looked at me and I just shook my head. I figured she was already under his robes so there was no way to stop the inevitable without someone looking foolish. "I understand your priests like little boys," I said, trying desperately to relieve the tension...

"You've no one to blame but yourself, Margaret," I said with real anger as the horse disappeared into her Vagina, "Now you've made us late for the Trooping The Color!"...

 ...of course we were young and had never heard of the phrase, 'Scat Fetish', but that's what Lillibet had, alright...

 "... Your Majesty!" I cried, but the stuttering fool just kept kissing me. That's when John F. Kennedy & Elvis walked in. The awkward silence that followed was brutal as they disrobed. All of us trying to ignore the horrifying breach of etiquette of not waiting...

... she may have been in her 90's by this time, but she was adamant that I hold nothing back as I slapped her ass...

"... I think I'm going to ask her to marry me," Philip said, somewhat shyly. I was too stunned to do anything but writhe beneath him, but I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes via the intricate set up of mirrors...

"... isn't it funny how all your boys are really princesses and Anne's a prince?" The room went silent in shock. I'd forgotten to call Anne 'His Royal Higness'. I knew the Queen would never forget this indiscretion and I'd hear about it that night as we worked the stripper pole...

"... the day of the funeral was grey and cold. The silence of the London streets was overwhelming as the body of Queen Mary - that venerable symbol of times past - was rolled down the street by 6 clowns and one puppeteer. I remember thinking we were at the end of an era, when suddenly Princess Margaret turned to me and said, "I think I just peed a little..."

"... I won't marry her if it costs me the throne. I mean it!" King Edward VIII said to me. "Trust me, they'll back down," I replied, "It's a sure thing." To this day, I feel kind of bad, but the look on his face when he had to abdicate still cracks me up...

... still wish the Queen Mother had worn more feathers and chiffon. But I was so busy making sure that Lillibet had blocky shoes and 40 pound purses that I just didn't have the time to help her dress, as I would have liked...

"... my advice? You want my advice? I'll give you, [hic] my advice! Marry the bitch! What's the worst that can happen?" and with those words to Prince Andrew, I downed my 18th (and as it would turn out, last) Triple Bloody Mary...

... the Lord Chamberlain shot me a warning glance, but I was young and headstrong. "I'd love to see your stamp collection, Your Majesty, but what's with the finger quotes?"...

... she lifted her breasts and I was devastated to see the bruises on her knees. "Philip did this?" I asked, my words choked with emotion...

No! No more. You've been given a taste, but if you want more of the real truth behind the public figures, you're going to have to buy the book. I hope you enjoyed my honest recollections of my times with the Royals and look forward to the receipts.

I leave you with one last word. A word uttered by the Queen herself, on the day she and I were getting her ready for her wedding.

"Horny!"

Celebrity Party Talk

For many of us, talking to a celebrity at a party is simply not going to happen.

Of course, 'many of us' has never included me (but you know that), so I've composed a list of things that celebrities have said to me over the years that I'd like to share with you. THIS way, you too, will know what it's like to be a mover and/or a shaker, like me moving and/or shaking.

I'm so excited for you, because NOW is your moment to really understand how magical a Hollywood 'Doo' can be, as well as gain intimate knowledge of what the celebs REALLY talk about... You know, I'm too good to you.


WHAT CELEBS HAVE CONFIDED TO ME AT PARTIES OVER THE YEARS

"Get off me!" - Brad Pitt

"Yoo hoo! Over here!" - John Travolta

"Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Snork! Huh? What happ... zzzzzzzzz." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Oh! I'm so terribly sorry. What a decidedly bad time for my boil to drain." - Prince Harry

"I have to have the rubber tube inserted just right to achieve the 'look'." - Paris Hilton

"Me too. But of course, I define 'look' as 'smile'." - Perez Hilton

"Ka Ching!" - Caroline Kennedy at THREE different parties!

"I just asked if that was your finger. I didn't say 'stop'." - Justin Bieber

"Did you just eat? Can I smell your breath? PLEASE!?!" - Angelina Jolie

"What tray of h'ordeurves? And before you answer, I can BUUUUUY YOUUUU!" - Oprah

"The money's just too damned good. I don't DARE risk my career by coming clean about preferring men." - Ellen Degeneres

"Oh Christ! If Brett Butler asks, you didn't see me!" - Charlie Sheen

"See you if Christ Sheen Oh Charlie me didn't! Okay?! Charlie! Hey Charo!" - Brett Butler

"Maree a widdo tight. But I loo gorjuuus, light?" - Joan Rivers

"Still, I stand in the corner alone." - Maya Angelou

"It's really our children's party. Go talk to them. GO! TALK TO THEM! LOVE THEM! LOOOVE THEEEMMMM!" - Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith

"So are we gonna do it? Be cool! Be cool! Here comes Katie." - Do you really need attribution?

"Wait till I tell you about my latest project. Too late, you're handcuffed." - Kirstie Ally

"It's so hard to hire a maid these days. They're all looking for someone 'younger'. Judgemental beetches." - Arnold Schwarzenneger

"So I said, 'Bitch. I wear the dress around here. Hee Hee! Anyhoo, I need some blow. Chat with ya later." - The Pope

"More wine, sir?" - Scott Baio

"Is it me, or do those curtains look just like my arms?" - Madonna

"It's called 'Blind Love' but it kinda sounds like 'Is it me, or do those curtains look just like my arms'." - Lady Gaga

"I can't believe I'm here! I guess I've really arrived!" - One of the Glee kids... God knows which one.

"Dahling. Be sweet and help me move my body over to the bar. Oh, you're so brave and I love you." - Ivana Trump

"Can I get you to sign this petition? Remember though, I didn't know anything about it. I'm serious. I'll cut you." - Betty White

"Yeah, the Jubilee was fun, but I couldn't stop farting. Fucking banquet food." - The Queen

"Fame sucks. People are too afraid to tell you the truth. Will you? Please? I just want to know. Am I dead?" - Michael Jackson

"Wow. What's HIS problem?" - Whitney Houston

There you have it. You're one of the 'In' crowd now. Don't say I never do anything for you... It's been said by too many already. xoxo

In The Loop - Celebrity News From Around That Testicle Shaped Thing We Live On

Hello children. Sit back and buckle up because it's been tres busy in Hollywood this week and your intrepid reporter was there for it all, to make sure you, my lovely bunch of Coconuts, are as always - In The Loop!

My spies tell me that Charlie Sheen has hired Brett Butler to be on his new show. Finally SOMEONE has decided to take on ratings giant, Celebrity Rehab!

Jennifer Love Hewitt declares war on a successful career, apparently. The oh, so beautiful 'Ghost Whisperer' star is telling friends she intends to take a well deserved hiatus. And by 'friends' I mean people walking past her as she asks for change.

"Will we ever get back together? God, I hope so. Seriously. Just say the word." - every ex-cast member of Friends, Seinfeld, & Frasier that I've spoken to. "Let them know I've got rooms to rent out until that happens," says Willie 'Never Miss An Opportunity' Aames.

"She's still a Diva!" claims hospital staff who care for Zsa Zsa Gabor. My hospital insiders tell me that the 95 year old star absolutely refuses to speak to 'underlings' which is Gabor-speak for anyone conscious. You Go Zsa!

My sources have discovered that James Cameron is planning a trip to North Carolina! Is there NO WHERE that fearless Billionaire won't explore?!

Beloved children's entertainer and legend, 'Tweetie Bird' has been admitted to hospital for 'exhaustion', according to his publicist. That's not what I've heard though... I'm not one to tell tales, but the 'Looney Tunes' bird has apparently been seen doing Hollywood's latest craze, Designer Seed.

Major scare backstage at American Idol when it was discovered some whackjob snuck in, looking to 'off a celebrity'. Fortunately for everyone there, it WAS American Idol and he ended up leaving after a couple of hours, frustrated & disappointed - like the rest of us.

"I'm back!" claims a jubilant Roseanne for like, the umpteenth time. Insiders are just ignoring her now.

Hollywood galpals Jennifer Anniston and Chelsea Handler were seen cracking everyone up at local hotspot, La Vivienda on Saturday. "They were hilarious," said one patron, "They kept acting like they were young & desirable. We just couldn't stop laughing!"

The buzz these days is all about Will Smith backhanding that kissy reporter. Sources close to the reporter tell me that Will tasted like Tom Cruise. Coincidence?

Where Are They Now Dept.: 'D' List star Scott Baio is telling anyone who'll listen that he's still relevant. But things got ugly when the latest person turned around and was none other than Paris Hilton! Seems she ALSO got a job at the till at McDonalds. Will these two egos be able to work together, or will it turn into another dust up like last years Alyssa Milano/Brian Dunkleman Fries Station Fracas? Stay tuned!

Heaven announces 'Golden Girls' reunion! "We're just waiting for you know who," said a diplomatic St. Peter.

Gloria Allred set to represent the Killer Whale that killed it's trainer. "It's either that or another Saturday night at home. Alone. And I just can't... I can't..." said a surprisingly honest Ms. Allred.

Donny & Marie are still wowing 'em! At least in Donnie's finished basement as they perform for family members before dinner. "I think 'wowing' might be a little much," said a family spokesperson.

Legendary Tough Guys, Clint Eastwood & Chuck Norris are planning to get together to 'just dish, do each other's hair & maybe have a little wine.' Age certainly hasn't slowed these two down!

Well, that's enough for one week of celebrity news! Be sure to come back next week to see if I've uncovered the truth behind the rumor of a feud between Angelina Jolie's show offy right leg and it's low keyed partner, who's said to be absolutely livid over the Oscar night kerfuffle!

Till next time kiddies!

Did you know blog facts don't HAVE to be true? The things you learn on the internet...

You're about to learn more in one reading, than you probably have learned in an entire Enquirer. I don't do this to be called a saint. I don't do this to be called a great man. But it would be nice, you know? Anyhoo, enjoy my questionably valid list of things I'll bet you didn't know.


Did you know 'to town' is Latin for 'in your hair'? Enjoy next Christmas.

Did you know that for every trillion trimmed off the US debt, Angelina Jolie has vowed to gain a pound?

Did you know Brad Pitt just rolls his eyes when she tells anyone?

Did you know Dionne Warwick KNEW how to get to San Jose all along? (Bitch)

Did you know that I know that you know I know? Cause I didn't.

Did you know Truffles are tree fungus? Or that the French made a bet on how stupid we are? And that they won?

Did you know that if you lined up every person living right now side by side, we'd want to choke each other in 5 minutes?

Did you know Julia Roberts wasn't the first choice for 'Pretty Woman'? At least not mine.

Did you know a full grown Great White Shark has only one natural enemy? Himself, when he tries to make small talk at the bar.

Did you know that the ancient Mayans were predicting their own demise? Or that they were overly optimistic? 2012? In your dreams Mayans! Booya!

Did you know Lucille Ball? You're old.

Did you know that saying 'God was watching out for me' is kinda slapping the face of everyone else who died on the plane?

Did you know Rome had Vomitoriums? And that they needed them because their politicians were all corrupt, selfish bastards who ruined their civilization?

Did you know Vomitoriums are making a comeback?

Did you know that when the 'e' is silent, it's just being passive aggressive?

Did you know that Luke Skywalker is just Jesus Waterwalker upside down?

Did you know every celebrity who dies on a downswing was on the verge of a comeback?

Did you know Danny Bonaducci has apparently been dying for 43 years?

Did you know Morgan Freeman's real name is Morgan Fairchild?

Did you know that if you accidentally spill Proactive on a pizza it turns into a pretty teen girl?

Did you know if you play any Bjork song backwards you're finally hearing it right?

Did you know Lee Majors wasn't really bionic? Then you're one up on Farrah.

Did you know William Shatner is Gaelic for Bill Poopedner?

Did you know that abstinence in the third trimester of a pregnancy is kind of a given? At least for men.

Congratulations, you are now smart enough to be on 'Celebrity Apprentice'. But I'm sure you already knew that.

Live Tweets From A Funeral - Ironic, No?

You know, The Reverend Al Sharpton live tweeting from Whitney Houston's funeral isn't as crass as some people (and by 'some', I mean all) may think. I did it myself, during Elvis' funeral - of course, back then, only a few select people were aware of Twitter (John Wayne, Me, the Rat Pack, and Streisand)  - and I think it was cathartic.

I'd like to share those tweets with you all now, because I think they're as relevant today as they were the day 'E' (I called him 'E', we were close - Wellll, not 'F' close, just 'E' close) died. I hope they are as healing for your hearts as they were for the fourteen of us on Twitter back then. Please remember, this was us at a raw time, there's no editing for viewers. Just real. Damned real.


@bcdarr: Am I the only one who thinks Priscilla's lips could use some plumping? The music's nice though.

RT @ShirleyMacLaine: "These pews are killing my ass!" ~ Ha Ha! Bitch!

@bcdarr: I hear Michael Jackson's got a new movie coming out. 'The Wiz'. Why doesn't he just quit while he's ahead? His time has come and gone, now it's just getting embarrassing. Hey, @Sinatra! Can I get a what what?!

@Sinatra: @bcdarr - You are one far out cat. Was that even English?

 RT @SDavisJr: Sha Boing Boing Boing!

@bcdarr: How long is this thing?

RT @DonRickles: "Quit playing with it!" ~ see my reply to @ShirleyMacLaine... bitch.

@bcdarr: I'm just guessing, but counting his entire entourage I think there's just over an acre of sideburns here.

RT @JoeyBishop: "Who's up for going to Star Wars again? Man, that show was outta sight!" ~ I'm in!

@bcdarr: Was offered the lead in a show called 'Dallas' that's airing next year, but it's about this bad guy in the oil business, so I turned it down. (Shoot me now!) They've given it to the guy from "I Dream Of Jeanie" instead, no lie! I'm laughing out loud over that (wish there was a more efficient way to write that).

RT @FarrahFawcett: "When is Rex Humbard going to shut up? It's enough to make me use Coke, and you know how against THAT I am. (Rolling On Floor Laughing)" - Ha Ha. You bad.

@bcdarr: A little off topic, but that Jimmy Carter is going to be a 2 termer. Mark my words!

RT @Sinatra: "Fuck Scorsese!" - It was FIVE years ago, boss, let it go. You need a pill that chills you out. A chill pill, so to speak. Hey! That's kinda catchy!

@bcdarr: Anyone else think Ann Margaret looks old?

RT @DonRickles: "Is the orgy still on at MacLaine's?" - Not if you're getting naked! (You can't tell, but I'm Laughing My Ass Off)


Well, it kinda got dirty from there, so I'll stop here, but I hope it helped heal the wounds of today, you know, for those of you who are wounded.

I'd forgotten how innocent everything was back then. Did you know that we were all FavStar Board Leaders then? Good times. I remember Sammy telling me after the funeral that he wished he had a book with all of our faces in it. The man was a prophet, I tell you. A prophet. (except he was going to call it Book of Faces and put it to music, but still....)

We all went our separate ways after that and truthfully I never saw any of them again. I assume they're all doing well, especially Frank, but who knows? Anyhoo, I have to run, I'm scheduled to give a CNN interview defending Al Sharpton's CNN interview, and we're having trouble getting my entire entourage into the studios (something about a 'guest limit'). I leave you with Elvis' last words to me, 'Toodles' (which would be soooo much cooler if that had been a title of one of his songs. But it wasn't, he was just really gay at the end.)

The Importance of Being Prepared: Eulogy Edition

As you can imagine, the media started calling me almost immediately after we lost Whitney to get my reaction. Like the rest of us, I was unprepared for the news and I think my quotes were rather slipshod. I still cringe when they play my CNN quote,
'What Aretha said goes double for me... but please, Lord Jesus, in half the time."
Or my MSNBC snippet, 'Get ready Heaven, here come the runs!"

I don't care what my scale says, I'm only one man! And I can make mistakes. So, in order for this to never happen again, I've prepared my 'surprised comments' for most of my Hollywood friends so that I will never again have to say to Piers Brosnan, "Who the hell are you? Put Larry on!"

Below are my 'from the heart, first gut reactions' to news that we've lost another of my dear Hollywood friends far too soon... you know, eventually.

I hope it brings a tear to your eye as much as it did to my staff who cried like babies over each one (except that one guy who didn't and I fired).

Bless you all, and enjoy...

Either Olson Twin:

"OMG! No! Which one? Not the less psychotic one. Oh Dear God, PLEASE not the less psychotic one! I'm sorry, I'm too devastated to listen to your answer."

Aretha Franklin:

"I blame the Ham industry for this. Have we learned NOTHING since we lost Mama Cass?! Hmmm? Yes, I'll be singing the tribute, but not from her catalog. I prefer Stevie Wonder. Goodbye my Aretha, you will forever be Ebony and Ivory to me."

Corey Haim:

"Seriously? HOW many years ago? Wow."

Queen Elizabeth II:

"I prefer to remember her back when she was just a struggling Princess with big dreams."

Joan Rivers:

"She brought laughter to millions. I remember peeing my pants after her twenty third surgery."

Janet Jackson:

"NO! Not Janice too!?! Janet. Whatever."

Mariah Carey:

"Oops I've got another call, can you hold?"

Sir Paul McCartney:

"He showed us all how to thwart Satan by selling your soul here on earth. Rest In Peace, you dear, ugly man."

 Donald Trump:

"People lining up to pee on his corpse is rather distasteful. But let me be clear here! I'm only guessing about the taste."

Betty White:

"Again?"

Dolly Parton and/or Kenny Rogers:

"Their music will live forever, much like their skin."

Lisa Marie Presley:

She proved, rather eloquently I think, what I said at her Dad's funeral. There will never be another like him."

Bebe or Cece Winans:

"My thoughts are with Dede through Zeze at this devastating time."

Paris Hilton:

"I hope all the haters out there are happy now! Cause I sure am."

Kim Kardashian:

"I see her as an Angel now. All those feathers, and the back hair... no, it's too horrible to contemplate."

Oprah Winfrey:

"My heart is too full to say anything other than what my dear friend Maya Angelou has already said, 'Strength', followed by the single word 'Oprah' 187 times for some reason. Yeah. I think they did 'it'."

Carly Simon:

"I'm waiting for a Pizza delivery & can't tie up the line."

Maury Povitch:

"I have proof in this envelope that the man in that casket is NOT the corpse!"

Paula Deen:

"Even without her feet, she really bloated up there at the end."

Any American Idol:

"Who?"

Brad Pitt:

"I'm reminded of his immortal words... uh... well he must have... his wisdom lives o.. seriously? He said NOTHING? Wow. We lost an amazingly expensive male prostitute."