Yul Brynner, The Queen & I

"Pulling a Crawfie".

That's what the Royal family called the act of anyone close to them selling their memoirs. Queen Elizabeth II (then, Princess Lillibet)'s Governess, named Marion 'Crawfie' Crawford did just that and they never spoke to her again. That's one of the reasons Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother pulled me aside at a Taffy Pull competition to ask that I 'Set the record straight' by writing THE definitive Royal Family Memoir. The other reason was she never let an opportunity to touch my butt go by... dirty old woman, heh heh. If it wasn't for my need for a dominatrix, I'd have probably told her 'No'. But that day, I just wasn't interested in the whole red ball strapped into my mouth thing. Anyway... here are some randomly selected blurbs from my runaway bestseller 'Yul Brynner, The Queen, & I'.

Frankly it's kind of a relief to be able to share my most intimate stories with you (e-mail me if you want some nudie pics). Enjoy!


"... are you sure Lillibet? Your knuckle is pretty big," I said with some trepidation, but she was adamant. I felt so sorry for that equerry...

"... let Princess Whatever Her Name Is do it," I said. I'd always had a soft spot for the younger sister, or whatever she was.

...was just the way the Queen Mother was. Always looking to give a lap dance...

...The Pope looked at me and I just shook my head. I figured she was already under his robes so there was no way to stop the inevitable without someone looking foolish. "I understand your priests like little boys," I said, trying desperately to relieve the tension...

"You've no one to blame but yourself, Margaret," I said with real anger as the horse disappeared into her Vagina, "Now you've made us late for the Trooping The Color!"...

 ...of course we were young and had never heard of the phrase, 'Scat Fetish', but that's what Lillibet had, alright...

 "... Your Majesty!" I cried, but the stuttering fool just kept kissing me. That's when John F. Kennedy & Elvis walked in. The awkward silence that followed was brutal as they disrobed. All of us trying to ignore the horrifying breach of etiquette of not waiting...

... she may have been in her 90's by this time, but she was adamant that I hold nothing back as I slapped her ass...

"... I think I'm going to ask her to marry me," Philip said, somewhat shyly. I was too stunned to do anything but writhe beneath him, but I knew he could see the hurt in my eyes via the intricate set up of mirrors...

"... isn't it funny how all your boys are really princesses and Anne's a prince?" The room went silent in shock. I'd forgotten to call Anne 'His Royal Higness'. I knew the Queen would never forget this indiscretion and I'd hear about it that night as we worked the stripper pole...

"... the day of the funeral was grey and cold. The silence of the London streets was overwhelming as the body of Queen Mary - that venerable symbol of times past - was rolled down the street by 6 clowns and one puppeteer. I remember thinking we were at the end of an era, when suddenly Princess Margaret turned to me and said, "I think I just peed a little..."

"... I won't marry her if it costs me the throne. I mean it!" King Edward VIII said to me. "Trust me, they'll back down," I replied, "It's a sure thing." To this day, I feel kind of bad, but the look on his face when he had to abdicate still cracks me up...

... still wish the Queen Mother had worn more feathers and chiffon. But I was so busy making sure that Lillibet had blocky shoes and 40 pound purses that I just didn't have the time to help her dress, as I would have liked...

"... my advice? You want my advice? I'll give you, [hic] my advice! Marry the bitch! What's the worst that can happen?" and with those words to Prince Andrew, I downed my 18th (and as it would turn out, last) Triple Bloody Mary...

... the Lord Chamberlain shot me a warning glance, but I was young and headstrong. "I'd love to see your stamp collection, Your Majesty, but what's with the finger quotes?"...

... she lifted her breasts and I was devastated to see the bruises on her knees. "Philip did this?" I asked, my words choked with emotion...

No! No more. You've been given a taste, but if you want more of the real truth behind the public figures, you're going to have to buy the book. I hope you enjoyed my honest recollections of my times with the Royals and look forward to the receipts.

I leave you with one last word. A word uttered by the Queen herself, on the day she and I were getting her ready for her wedding.

"Horny!"