Sunday, June 12, 2011

Royal Etiquette tips

Their Royal Highnesses the Duke and Ducky of Cambridge will be visiting Canada this July and Canadians are abuzz with excitement! But we're also stressed as women furiously shop for satellite dishes to slap on their foreheads and call a 'hat', men practice their curtsies, dominatrixes polish their red balls, heroin addicts stock up so they're not jonesing on the big day and all of us are on ebay trying to buy children to increase our chances that Prince William and Kate will take OUR flowers over someone else's. Oh, the preparations!

But all of it will be for not if we don't practice proper etiquette.  So, as a good Canadian I've decided to post online the definitive DO's and DON'T's list to help us get ready.

By the time you've memorized my advice you'll be ready to hold your own should you be invited to attend a Royal Dinner, a Royal Orgy, a Royal Crime Spree, or even just an informal Royal Slap and Tickle.

DO

GRAB THEIR ASS
Remember, the Royal Couple are just people like you and me, so of course they enjoy a good butt squeeze. Don't be shy, they hate half-hearted attempts (who wouldn't?) so if you intend to cop a feel, do it with confidence! I've seen members of the Royal Family ask folks to 'do it again' when it's done right. Maybe this time it will be you!

SPIT WHEN YOU TALK
The constant walk abouts tend to dry their faces out. You have no idea how much they appreciate a good spray on hot days. Words that start with 'P' and 'SH' are the preferred form of spraying but feel free to be creative.

COMPLIMENT THE 'HOTNESS' FACTOR
Prince William did not go to the bother of marrying a sexy gal just so you'd ignore his accomplishment. Tell him how much you'd 'do her' if you had the chance. He'll appreciate the feedback.

FART
The Royals are big on horses. The more you can imitate one, the more likely you are to win them over. And nothing farts like a horse. Show your Canadian pride and if you should be one of the fortunate ones that Kate speaks to, bend over and let rip! It will be sure to bring a smile to her face. Just be sure not to light it, which is frowned upon by most Royals (Prince Philip excluded).

PARTICIPATE
Nothing is worse for a Royal than to say 'Knock Knock,' and have no one say 'Who's There?' It's just common sense people.

OFFER LOCAL PORN
One of the main reasons the Royals visit other countries is to get a taste of international porn. Don't give them 'Cockney Cocks' or 'The Biggest Tits In Brighton', because they've probably already watched it. They want something new. Hint: S&M, Water Sports and Tranny stuff is never turned down by Their Royal Highnesses!

DON'T

PLAY HARD TO GET
These kids may be Royal, but they're extremely busy. They don't have time to pursue you, so it is very appreciated if you simply drop your pants and bend over when spoken to.

GIVE THEM YOUR CHILDREN
The Royals (to a one) are very particular when it comes to breeding so it's always awkward when they have to return a child who's 'trashy'. And seriously, have you looked at your child lately?

GRAB THEM AND BEGIN AN IMPROMPTU POLKA
Unless they're wearing their polka outfits, it's considered bad manners.

CHALLENGE THEM TO AN OIL WRESTLING MATCH
Like the Polka rule, it's okay if they're already oiled down and in speedos. But remember, Royals loathe tag team matches. And please remember to use a clean inflatable pool. Basically, with this one, just use common sense & you'll be fine.

DRAW ATTENTION TO YOUR LARGE CROTCH (MEN) OR BREASTS (WOMEN)
They have enough insecurities.

ASK PERSONAL QUESTIONS
It's always inappropriate. For example, Prince William loves to carry bananas in his pocket. Imagine his embarrassment at having to say he's not happy to see you.

FORGET TO REACH INTO WILLIAM'S POCKET & SQUEEZE
He's not carrying those bananas for his health.

Okay, you're set. Get out there and meet and greet the Royals. Your mastery of Royal Etiquette will guarantee they never forget meeting you!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Wisdom isn't earned, it's stolen... Oh hey, that's good! Thanks Maya...

"Aaaaaanother Saturday night and I aint got nobodyyyyyy!"
Wait... that's been made into a song?

If I could ask Celine Dion only one question? Wow! That's a toughie.
Probably something like, "Could you go away now?"
Oooh! Does it have to be only one?!

As a fat man I like to rate things on a scale of 1 to 10 buckets of chicken. Sorry, I meant on a scale WITH 1 to 10 buckets of chicken.

Hey William Shatner. Pick a show and stick with it for God's sake!

I'm disappointed my candlelight vigil to protect bees from being exploited by the wax industry turned out to be so ironic.

Not one person from just 150 years ago is alive today. Try to remember that the next time you're feeling cocky.

Of course I know it's spelled Pilates. I just thought it was pronounced Potatoes.
FYI my course has been cancelled until further notice.

Whenever I hear the saying 'Every time God closes a door, he opens a window' I wonder why he doesn't just sit on the veranda.

I'd like to remind all you people who laugh at Justin Bieber that you laughed at Sean Cassidy too.
(You know, it sounded better in my head.)

I'm beginning to think saving all these 'Team Coco' shirts for my big Summer Flea Market wasn't such a good idea.

Hey, sourpuss. Remember a sideways frown emoticon is just a reverse sideways smile emoticon!
I gotta say, the internet is just KILLING 'annoyingly perky'!

It's true, a Crabapple a day keeps the doctor who should have retired years ago away.

Anyone else notice Maya Angelou's poem for Oprah was just the word 'Oprah' 100 times? And she STILL had to read it from a piece of paper!

I would never have encouraged Betty White if I'd thought she'd live this long.

I think it's wonderful that Prince William found a girl who loves him for himself.
Oh and look! A Unicorn!

What did you think 'A little less jaw and a little more booby' meant when he talked in his sleep Maria?!

We loved Julia Roberts in ONE movie. Just how in denial is Hollywood anyway?

When I was a child, my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be.
Yet still I'm a human!

I only have one rule when cooking. SLIDE the dollops of lard into the deep fryer because grease burns hurt like a summabitch and NO salad is worth that.