Friday, December 18, 2009

Where are they now?

Yosemite Sam 1994 Hallmark Ornament QX5346Yosemite Sam in happier days

The cancellation of The Bugs Bunny Road Runner Show hit Yosemite Sam hard. "He was typecathththed ththththomething terrible," his former co-star, Sylvester told the Hollywood Reporter, "He tried to act like it didn't bother him, but we all knew he was devathththtated."

Things looked like they might turn around when he won the lead in "Silence of the Lambs" but an old leg injury acquired during a classic skit on the Bugs Bunny Show where he played a Shiek with a difficult Camel, reared it's ugly head.

"He was sidelined son, sidelined for 2 months and the producers couldn't wait. They went with Anthony Hopkins instead and Sam never, I say, he never recovered," said an obviously emotional Foghorn Leghorn, during a break at his Vegas Review Show, "When Tony won the Oscar, waaaal, that just about, I say, that just about done him in.  I mean Yosemite is one of the greatest character actors of our generation, are y'all listenin' to me son?  Who else could play a Klondike miner, a sheik, a cowboy, a devious schemer trying to woo a rich widow, with such conviction?  And there he sat watching Tony take what was his, I say his." 

On Tuesday, November 26th, 1999, he was found face down in an alley in Cincinnati, Ohio where he had gone to open up a Dinner Theater with his good friend Willie Ames. According to police he had overdosed on Black Tar Heroin. Yosemite Sam was 56. "I'll be watching for you in heaven, you sassafrassin' no good son of a mule ijit." wrote Bugs Bunny in his online blog. No good son of a mule ijit, indeed.

A Flintstones Christmas CarolThe cast of The Flintstones in one of the rare promotional appearances in the later years.
Beloved by millions of children, star of a hit TV sitcom, and millionaire by the age of 23, Barnaby Edward Rubble appeared to have it all. Yet there was a dark side to this charming and effervescent actor that very few people knew.
"Oh he could be vicious," said Fred Flintstone on a recent Oprah airing, "I don't want to speak badly about Barn, but there were days. One time, Gazoo called him a 'Dum dum', which was IN THE SCRIPT, but Barn heard something in his tone and he just lost it. It took 5 guys on the crew to pull him off. Hoo boy! Gazoo was badly hurt and his agent wanted to take him off the show right then and there if they didn't fire Barney. In the end everyone apologized to everyone and Gazoo stayed, but the set was never really the same. It's a shame, because Gazoo was the sweetest guy. He'd give you the helmet off his green head if you needed it. But after Barn wailed on him that day, he just kept to his trailer between takes, most of us did, really. Of course by then, Wilma was coked out all the time, Betty was in that crazy assed affair with Bam Bam and Pebbles was doing everything possible to leave the show and get into film."

A spokesperson for Gazoo claimed later that, "Mr. Gazoo does not recall the incident Mr. Flintstone was referring to and wishes nothing but the best for Mr. Rubble."

Archie Modern Jughead BustForsythe P. Jones
"Some genius I am!" exclaimed Dilton Doiley when he heard that his old pal Jughead Jones had come out of the closet, "I mean, HOW did I miss that?!?!" From what we understand, he shouldn't be too hard on himself, as no one seemed to notice Jughead's unnaturally close relationship with 'girl crazy' Archie Andrews. "The thing about Archie," Mr. Jones once said to Barbara Walters, "He's got a real charm that the ladies love. Couple that with an incredible ass, and it's not surprising that Betty and Veronica are always fighting over him. Don't believe me? Check him coming out of the water at Riverdale Beach sometime. Hummanah!!"

The statement caused a small sensation at the time, but Mr. Jones was able to brush it off and blame his overdependance on Vicodin for his 'crazy rants'. It was a dependance that was to cost him his job as drummer for the incredibly popular band, "The Archies".

Surprisingly silent during most of the coming out scandal was Jughead's 'nemesis' Reggie Mantle. "I have no comment," was his ONLY comment during the crisis. Rumor had it that Jughead and Reggie were in fact more 'friends' than 'enemies' and that Reggie was terrified that Jughead might 'blab'. Though no one has gone on record to confirm this rumor, it's interesting to note, that when asked about it, Archie Andrews said, "You know, it's hard enough to find love, why do we have to judge these guys? Reggie and Jug are good friends of mine and I support them both in this difficult transition period." When asked what he meant by that, his handlers declared the interview over.

Ty Scooby DooBefore the dizzying descent into madness.
Scooby Dooby Doo, Where are you? Would you believe the Wentworth Hospital for the Criminally Insane? It's true. After years of playing a loveably inept and easily spooked dog who solved dastardly crimes, Richard Alvarez 'Scooby' Parker-Doo was arrested by the San Bernadino Police Department when they discovered nearly 20 decomposing bodies under his house while attending a domestic abuse call.

"It was chilling," said Lieutenant Mike Jones who was one of the police on the scene, "And definitely surreal. I mean us guys were all excited to be at Scooby Frickin' Doo's house and suddenly one of us goes, 'Hey, you smell that?' And we all were like, 'yeah, whew! How can you miss it?' We went to the basement and the bodies were just piled up. And the weirdest thing that sticks with me is how blank his expression was as we started uncovering all these corpses. He just kept saying, 'I'm rorry. Ro Rorry.' I'll never forget it."

Scooby hired famed celebrity attorney Johnny Cochrane who managed to help him avoid any jail time with an impressive Insanity defense that had America on the edge of it's seat during the 'Rial of the Rentury' as it was called.

1 comment:

  1. OMG! I can tell by your writing style that you are one sexy man who lives by his own rules. You ROCK!!! Of course I am you and so this post could just be me blowin' it out yer ass. But what do you care? It's MY ass! By the way, you're gorgeous!

    Love your biggest fan!
    PS: Don't forget to tape Dexter